"Hello... Hello...Hello... Is There Anybody In There...?"

Anti-depressants.
Against all my better judgement, knowledge, training...
I agreed with my doctor to try them.
BIG mistake.
And I was never really "depressed" from the Interferon anyway...
just a bit extra "weepy" at Hallmark commercials, and sad movies.
I've been in a fog for a week now.
Constant feeling of detachment, being "slightly right of center"...
when I actually hang slightly left.
Very little emotions, and no will to do anything.
They're also 'sposed be for "obcessive/compulsive disorders".
Sometimes a little OCD goes a long way.
It gets the house cleaned, the computer fixed, the cat's box dumped...
I've been forgetting to eat, and going to sleep eating a handful of grapes and a few chocolate chip cookies...
and the PC's still broke, and the house is a mess.
I got stuff to do... people to see, places to go, things to take care of.
Instead I wake up in the morning, and stare blankly at a TV show I have no interest in, and vibrate for 6 hrs with that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I have to go to the principal's office.
Then around four o' clock I muster all the strength I have, to get in the shower, and go over to the hospital to see mom...

A week ago, mom had problems breathing.
It got worse throughout the night, and after much arguing with her to go to the hospital (stubborn old Pollock), she agreed to go to the emergency room the next day.
I rushed her there in an ambulance, and spent the next nine hours in the ER.
At first they said it looked like a bit of pneumonia in her lung, so they admitted her. A few days later after x-rays, catscans and tests... they found "shadows".
Both sides.
After today's lungoscopy biopsy procedure, what they kinda had been guessing about all week is now positive... 2 inoperable tumors...
one on each side.
Mom had breast cancer... TWICE some years ago, and had two mastectomies on different occasions.
She's had a pretty good run for the past 15 years.
Looks like it's back.
She's 80.
She's fraile, with diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, walking around with a hernia, and a host of other assorted lil nasties wrong with her.
She's a tough old Pollock... but this time...
she just wants to go home to see the cat... Spooky.

And having to fill out your mother's "living will", and writing down...
"DO NOT RESUSITATE"
is a punch in the gut I wouldn't wish on anyone.

As if there was a "good time"...
this could'nt've happened at a worse time.
This is a senior citizen's building my mom and I live in.
She's helped me raise my kids here for the past 15 or so years.
They've grown and left the nest recently, leaving just me, mom and Spooky here together.
But technically, we were never really "allowed" to live here with her.
And I've been outta work for awhile now, and had to go on public assistance to help pay for my Hep C treatment and other medical problems.
And I need to stay on it for the next 10 months or so...
or stop my treatment.
Because at around 2 grand a month...
I'd never be able to afford it otherwise.
So basically, depending on how much longer mom has...
I'll be homeless.
Without the proverbial "pot to piss in".
No friends or family to put me up, no substantial money coming in except for a very few bucks I get a month in cash and foodstamps.
And when someone kicks off in this building...
they want your shit out.
Quickly.
Nowhere to put all our belongings, nor the people and resources to move it.
And no one wants a little black cat with "attitude issues".

So now, we wait till monday...
to see exactly which variety of cancer mom has...
and if there's anything that can be done to buy us a bit more precious time.

I have become... "uncomfortably numb"...