Tuesday, March 24, 2009


"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."


So what the fuck is up with the recent "trend" of all the weird & funky names for social networking websites, IM/chat, video conferencing, search engines and various other web services, web communities, websites & software lately…???

I would imagine in an effort to be “noticed”… these “geniuses” who create these things figured…
“The weirder the name… the more we’ll get remembered”.

Now these names are thought up by people who are "supposed" to be a LOT smarter than the average Joe on the street. Folks who have all sorts of college degrees in computer science, marketing and whatnot.
Actual smart, intelligent, "grownups" who not only are smart...
but pull down extremely lucrative salaries.

But in an effort to dream up these “catchy, kitschy, whacky & unforgettable” names (mostly in a copycat effort to mimic the largest & most successful search engine on the web)…
I dunno… most seem pretty stupid, annoying, insipid and downright GOOFY if ya ask me.

And after awhile… most become extremely… FORGETABLE.

In no particular order… here are just some of them that are out there…

(I have one, but dat don't mean I'm happy wit da dumb name for it.)
(“Wiki” anything for that matter. There are lots of these.
Wiki this, wiki that.
Wut da fuck iz a "wiki"... and who da fuck cares anyhoo...?)




Who ARE these muppets working at bigtime IT companies that are dreaming up these imbecilic, jibberishy names...
and what kind of spacemonkey crackweed are they smoking in the break rooms...???

C’mon guys… my 3 yr. old granddaughter or a possessed televangelist minister “speaking in tongues” could think up better, more crerative & memorable names for stuff than this…!

Stop it!

These dumb names aren’t “cute, whacky or whimsical",
or MEMORABLE for that matter…
they’re just plain DUMB.

Just stop it right now!

Grow up & stop it before you make me puke!

[Kicking feet, pounding keyboard & banging head against desk]

Also... while on the subject of internet names, etc.

As a website designer & owner myself, some webmasters out there oughta give a little more thought into what they use as their website domain names…

Here is a small list that I “borrowed” (stole) from a forum on the web, of some actual website domain names that the designers gave very little pondering to…

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity:

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder:

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company:

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in
New South Wales:

7. If you're looking for computer software:

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church:

9. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?

10. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers:

Think guys… think…

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

50 Things...

I turned 50 this past Sunday.

There were no fanfares, no parties, no whizzbang hootenannies to usher in the milestone birthday.

The only two people that wished me a Happy Birthday were the only two people on the planet that matter to me... my daughters.

Just a quiet day, mostly spent in thought, and then off to work later that night... just like any other day.

I didn't feel any older, any wiser or any different than I did the day before.

As a matter of fact inside I feel younger. It's just my body that bursts the bubble of that illusion.

But over the years I did learn a thing or two along the way. It hasn't been a total waste of time.

Here are 50 random things to name a few.

I've learned that...

1. It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I'm not there yet... but getting closer.

2. It’s 10 times easier to fall in love than to stay in love. And no matter what the sad songs say about romance, broken hearts do mend.

3. The singlemost solitary thing that I've ever done, that is to this day a neverending, constant source of happiness, pride & joy for me... has been to have children.

4. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

5. No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

6. Two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

7. It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

8. Never feed hamsters beer.

9. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

10. If you love them, cherish & tolerate your parents even with all of their quirks & faults. You'll never know just how quickly they could be gone. And no matter how much you think you may be... your never ready for it.

11. We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

12. Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

13. Books are overrated.
Books are fine, but this is the new millenium & information age. And how you get your stories, information, data, news, etc. can be from various sources. Whether it be television, radio, movies, documentaries, books, magazines, or the internet is entirely up to you. Don't ever listen to pseudo intellectual snobs who act as if books are the only "proper" way to get a story or information.
The only real plus side of books over other media is that it's an easier way to increase your vocabulary.
It's all just a matter of preference and your prerogative.
And people who would have you believe otherwise, are full of shit.

14. The same goes with personal taste.
Don't ever let someone dictate to you which movies, art, music, books, clothes, food, activities or any other thing in life are somehow better, cooler, more refined, classier or more enjoyable than what your own personal tastes and favorites are. Shakespere isn't necessarily any better than a Superman comic book. Classical music isn't particularly any better or more enjoyable to listen to than the Ramones. (Just maybe a bit more complicated) A film like My Dinner With Andre isn't any better a movie than Howard the Duck. (As a matter of fact it was an extremely disappointing BORE. Not Howard... but Andre. But then... that's just ME.)
It's all just a matter of taste.
Whatever you like and enjoy is up to... you.
And people who would have you believe otherwise, are full of shit.

15. I can squirt snot out my eye when I blow my nose. Probably milk too if I had the guts to try it.

16. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.

17. Money is a lousy way of keeping score.
It also doesn't dictate the type of person you are.

18. Credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
(Or particularly intelligent for that matter...)

19. Given my past history & experience, I find I'm an amazingly stronger a person than I ever thought I could be.
The expression "If it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger" is in fact very true.

20. Cheesburger + milkshake = Uncertain danger for me and anyone in a 5 mile radius of me.

21. Alcoholism & addiction is a disease for which there is no cure yet.
A recovering addict or alcoholic isn't a bad person getting better,
merely a sick person getting well.
And they aren't responsible for their disease... just their recovery.

22. It doesn't matter if people judge you, people who judge you don't matter.

23. Mental illness is as real as diabetes, arthritis or any other disease, and no more disgraceful. It’s the stigma that’s disgraceful.

24. It’s never a shame when you admit you don’t know something, and often a shame when you assume that you do.

25. Nobody is "normal".

26. Most "all natural" & folk remedies are nonsense. Never listen anyone who wants you to use garlic suppositories for a cold.

27. 1000 sheets of good old fashioned Scott toilet paper wins hands down over any of that expensive, fluffy & extra soft crap everytime.
Trust me on this the next time your stuck on the toilet when that fluffy stuff runs out on you.

28. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

29. The Bible, The Koran and similar "Holy Books" are nothing more than collections old stories, proverbs, fairy tales and morality lessons written by MAN not by God. Though meant for good, they have been the cause of more of man's wars, hatred & misfortune than anything else during our brief history on Earth.

30. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

31. The further you get away from New York City is directly proportional to the degree that pizza sucks everywhere else.

32. Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

33. Never try to make your own firecrackers.

34. You should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

35. Relationships come & go. Friends,lovers even family members come in & out of your life. But the best person to develop a relationship with is yourself.
Because no matter what... your stuck with you.

36. Laughing, crying, joy and anger… All are a vital. All make us human.

37. Never compromise your own reality.
What's true for you... is true for you. And nothing should ever shake that.

38. Cough syrup doesn’t work.

39. Keeping an open mind is as big a challenge as you get older as keeping a consistent waistline.

40. My biggest source of fear, anxiety, sadness & depression... is loneliness.

41. It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think your a fool, than to open your mouth and confirm it.

42. The older I get, the less I find that I really know.
I used to think I had it all figured out years ago, but I find that there is just so much out there to learn that it boggles my mind and makes me sometimes feel as though I don't know anything. Things that I thought were certain aren't, and things I thought I was unsure about I now find that I actually was sure about all along. I never stop asking questions. I never had it all figured out, I never will... and I never stop learning.

43. Love completely & unconditionally.

44. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

45. I'm a lot better person than I have ever allowed myself to believe that I was.

46. Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today, and you make your tommorrows.

47. My life is a Gift. One for which I am and always will be eternally grateful for and humbled by... especially the last 12 yrs. Which has been when I've learned the most about Life... so far. As much as I'd like to complain about things... I can't really. I'm grateful for everything that's happened to me, including the bad... which has been what I've learned the most from. My life has been charmed. Everyone should be as lucky as me and to have experienced what I have.

48. Never lick a steak knife.

49. I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy it.

50. Readers love lists.

(You got to the bottom of this one, didn’t you?)

Monday, November 10, 2008

iPhone Blogging Test

"This is a test of The Emergency iPhone Blogging System. Should there have been an ACTUAL emergency, you would've been instructed to plant your face firmly between your legs and to kiss your ass goodbye..."

Hmmm... Wonder if this ting is gonna work and send this picture and post from my phone to the website?

Guess I'll know when I check online in a minute on the old iPhone web browser...

If so... I could send pix 'n stuff to my blogsite from ANYWHERE on da globe!!! It already can post LIVE video onto another video blogging website that I have. Pretty AMAZING shit!

Haven't posted here in a dogs age.

Check back.

More to come soon...

[Did I mention that I got an iPhone? Wut a DANGEROUS new toy I have... it does EVERYTHING! It figgedyfarkifookin' ROCKS! Brag-brag-brag-brag... LOL!]

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

"Happy Birthday Momma...!"

Dear Momma,

Last year was a bad one Momma.
The worst I ever had.
More bad things happened to me last year than any one person could ever bear.
At times I just didn't know what I was gonna do.
Bein' very sick myself and abandoned by a lover made caring for you even that much harder. And watching you slowly become consumed by the lung cancer caused me more pain than anything else that I was going through.

Seeing you in SO much pain just tore me apart inside.

It made me sicker,
it filled me with sorrow,
it made me angry as it ate away at me,
and more than anything...
it left me feeling so very, very HELPLESS.

Because your cancer was at it's last stages, and nothing more could be done for you... the home hospice care people advised me to do nothing but to just stay with you and make you comfortable.

That night that you left me... when you went into that seizure.
I held onto you tightly as you looked up into my eyes and said,
"Eddie.... please help me..."

And all I could do was to cradle you and stroke your head,
distressed and knowing you were leaving me.

That memory will haunt me for the rest of my life.

And even though I knew it was best to just hold you as I let you go... I still felt an overwhelming sense of anxious fear & urgency.
I wanted to DO something,
to call someone,
to cry for help,
to scream out loud...
even though nothing could be done for you.
And I'm still tormented by a deep feelng like I need to somehow be forgiven by you.

At that moment I knew exactly what it was like for Superman,
in that old 70's movie...
when the earthquake killed Lois Lane.
And as he knelt there weeping, holding her in his arms, he knew...
despite ALL of his amazing powers... even HE was powerless.
There was nothing he could do.

A part of me went away with you that day Momma.
But an even bigger part stayed.

The part that is YOU Momma.

Through your simple ways,
the one thing that you taught & blessed me with,
is that part of you that is all of your strength, wisdom and grace.
The part of you that I carry deep inside me,
that saw me thru all of that pain & sorrow.

You bestowed upon me powers greater than Superman's.
He was a fictional character who was an alien from another planet.
You gave me by your example,
the greatest gift that I have Momma...
you taught me how to be... HUMAN.

And now, even though your gone for a year...
I see your echoes everywhere.

I see you whenever I'm thrilled with something that I know you would've liked.
I see you whenever I look at my daughters,
whom you helped me care for and raise.
I see you whenever I look at my granddaughter, lil Kadee.
And I see your eyes more & more now Momma...
whenever I look at my own aging eyes in the mirror.

And even though these old eyes of mine are crying right now Momma,
they're no longer tears from pain & sorrow.
They're tears of joy, knowing that your no longer suffering,
that I had you to watch over me for 48 years...
and that your in a better place.
My tears are a celebration of your beautiful life,
knowing that you've done a wonderful job while you were here taking care of me and the girls.

So today on your birthday Momma...
I just want you to know that we send you our love and thank you Ma.
And your never far from our thoughts.
The girls are doing good, and you'd be proud of them.
And me... I'm doin' alright too.
I've gotten better, and I've fallen in love again.
[I think you'd like this one Momma. She's a nut just like your son.]
And my life just keeps getting more & more exciting & adventurous.

Thank you so very much Momma, for everything you've taught me and for my wonderful life.
Happy Birthday!

I'm sleepy right now Ma.
Gonna lay down to take a nap.
Come visit me in my dreams...
I like it when you do that.

Till I see you again...
I Love You Momma.


Monday, April 09, 2007

"There Are Places I'll Remember..."

A few months ago, I rediscovered a very old, near & dear friend.
Way back in the seventies, while going thru high school, and trying to become a budding new magician...
I met a girl who left an indelible fingerprint upon my soul.

Unfortunately at the time, she was my high school girlfriend's best friend, going out with someone herself.
She was also one of my assistants back when I was performing as "Candini & The Illusionettes".
Whenever we spoke to each other at any length back then,
we connected in a most magical way.
Our eyes always seemed to lock and twinkle.
And it was as if you could see an arch of electricity like a Tesla's coil shoot from our heads and briefly dance together above in midair.
But at the time, nothing happened, because in the litle circle of friends & couples that gathered together on weekends at my apartment, she had he... and I had her...
and anything else would've been unthinkable at the time.

So we just managed to all remain friends, knocking about and having our little seventies, hippie wine and reefer parties, listening to music, envisioning our futures, and dreaming of days to come.

More years passed, and we all went our separate ways, leading separates lives, and trudged on thru this amazing journey of ours called Life.

And as I mentioned before... Life just has these little ways of bringing you "surprises" sometimes... wonderfully crazy, unexpected, exciting and joyful little... GIFTS.

Now... 30 something years later... MY gift is...

Awhile back I found her on a website called Classmates that finds old school chums.
I sent her an email, she replied, but didn't seem too interested in communicating with an old "ghost from her past".
She was involved with someone, and so was I at that time.
So we again kinda lost each other for awhile again.

Then some months back I found her again on Myspace.
I sent her a few emails, and got kind of a similar responses at first...
brief replies, again with seemingly little interest.
But then after awhile and out of the blue...
she wrote back to me at quite some length!
She confessed to me exactly how she had always felt about me.
And we both ended up sharing the fact that we always had a mutual "crush" on each other for years.

We emailed each other back and forth for a bit,
then ever so cautiously...
ventured into trying a now ancient form of technology...
the telephone.
[imagine dat...!]

I've managed to burn out my cordless phone battery every single night since...
switching to my cell, then burning that out only to switch back to my cordless again sometimes!

The small but unfortunate "glitch" in this whole adventure is...
she lives in Oklahoma!
And I live in Georgia now.

So a bit ago, I took a trip out there to be with her.
And I just haven't been the same since.

The trip getting there to be with her... was one from Hell.
Two days previous, a tornado barreled down thru her town only a few streets away.
It is... "Tornado Alley" yanno...?
Weather had been completely "full tilt Bozo" that week.
My flight had a layover in Dallas. And it was postponed for 3 hrs due to "extreme weather conditions".
I had worked the whole night before from 10pm to 6am, and had already been awake for 24 hrs. Once on the plane, I crashed and fell into a drooling deep coma for a little bit.
I awoke 3 hrs. later, not having taken off yet, and to the captain's voice saying that...
"What we're trying to fix that prevented us from taking off in the first place, might just be finished after a bit more testing.".
But he also mentioned that weather in Dallas just wasn't conducive to us landing there, and we would now have to land in Shreveport, Louisiana.

AND, once we got there, due to FAA standards and his being awake since 4am...
he wouldn't be able to fly anymore!
AND, that there were...
AND... quite possibly not any more flights there till Monday...
3 DAYS LATER!!!!!!


This was totally wrong & unacceptable on SO many levels,
and I didn't relish the idea of being up now for 35 hrs. and having to get my much needed sleep on da floor of some airport,
in "West Timbukthree, Looozeeana"...
and missing out on finally being with and sleeping with my baby!
You think the Postmen have a creed...?
Frickin' thunderstorms, tornados, floods, tsunamis... not nuffin' would've stopped me from getting there that night!
It wuz like I wuz in fuckin' FEDEX mode...
"Guaranteed Overnight Delivery!"

So I immediately called American Airlines and...
"freaked out on they monkey asses".
I told them that I,
"just hafta be in Oklahoma City tonight cuz I'm getting married this weekend!"
A very nice man took my cellphone number, said,
"Lemme see what I can come up with."
and he later called me with glorious news...

A flight leaving on DELTA directly to Oklahoma city was leaving later that night at 9:30, and because of this wonderful man...
I now had a ticket all booked on it waitng for me!

So I went over to Delta to anxiously scoff up my reserved ticket to Neverland, sat down to some much needed Sesame Chicken at an airport Chinese joint, and narfed it down while waiting for my later flight.

I arrived in Oklahoma City around 10:30 feeling completely knackered.
I was originally going to do the 15 hr. drive out there, but figured I would give "The White Shadow", my old jaloopy a break...
and that flying would be a lot quicker,
leaving me more time with my honey.
Double "HA!" I say!
Apparently not.

"Where is she... where IS she...?"
I moved thru the crowd, and searched all the faces for my darling... but din't see her!
"Did she get tired of waiting and go home...!?!"

And then all of a sudden,
I felt something pressed tightly against my chest...
my sweetheart... Melody!!!
She just... "appeared",
out of nowhere... with her arms around me!
It was like a magic trick.

A few minutes later, we were entwined...
our lips were locked on the moving sidewalk in the airport.
And no matter how convincingly,
you couldn't prove to me for a second,
that I wasn't for that frozen moment in time...
floating on air!

[Melody has a scrumtiously delicious & talented set of lips & mouth that would make a Cirque du Soleil acrobat jealous!
'Scuze me a sec, while I just stop a minute and go dump my glass of ice water down my shorts just thinking about it...]


My luggage didn't arrive until the next day, but who cared?
"Stuff... I don' neeed no steenkeeng STUFF...!"
I had ALL that I ever needed & wanted to survive for my stay there...
my sweetheart.

The rest of my visit went great, and she introduced me to what soon will be my new home.
Although we spent a lot of time in her bedroom trying to figure out new kamasutraesque techniques...
we DID manage to get out every now and then.
Taking walks just holding hands and pididdling thru the art district of OKlahoma City, "The Passeo", having dinner in little Mexican joints, and visiting the Oklahoma Bombing Memorial.
For this post 911 New Yorker...
it was a solemn and sympathetically moving experience.
But also very beautiful, tranquil and serene.

My trip to Oklahoma makes me want to break out in a few showtune choruses from the play...
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOk---lahoma, where the wind comes whippin' down the plain...!"

Having to leave her there and get on da plane...
well that was a completely different story.
A painfully quiet car ride back to the airport,
as the minutes counted down to my flight back.
It was damn near devastating to me, as I welled up,
and then beamed, got teary, and then smiled from ear to ear
again all during the flight home.
It still has me all discomblubberated.

I'm now constantly in pain.
My mind wanders,
I can't think straight,
my knees get weak,
I get a constant condition of butterflies in my stomach
whenever I merely picture her.
[Not to mention that "mah loins are boinin' for her".]
I have this constant craving that's creating an empty void,
one that nothing seems to fill... but her.

I looked the symptoms up for this illness on WebMD on the internet.
And the best that I can come up with is...

I've come down with a bad case of being madly in Love.

And nothing... not no medicine, not no prescription,
or over the counter remedy...
is ever gonna fix this problem.
Nothing short of having my lil schmoopie back in my arms.

So now, we spend all our hours on da phone longing for each other,
and planning out our future.

She works for her church, takes care of a garden for a wealthy woman, and is the manager of the custom framing dept. in a Hobby Lobby.

Walking thru the art district we noticed that amongst the galleries and shops...
there were NO custom framing stores.
And I also have been wanting & planning to get some of my own artwork & photos matted & framed to sell here at a local flea market.
And she and I both have TONS of ideas for other types of little artsy-craftsy pieces to sell.
So we are thinking about maybe getting a small business loan, and opening an art gallery/curio/framing shop in The Passeo artist's area in Oklahoma City.
We're spending time talking about how wonderful it is to be 48,
[we're the same age.]
and how working in our own place, growing old together,
and enjoying our life like the rest of the old Hippie/Bohemians weirdo couples there would be a dream come true.
Yeah... we're one of THEM couples.
Artistic, Bohemian, whacky, Magician, Moon Goddess, Pagan, Wiccan...
yep... Nutjobs.
A match made in Heaven!

But for right now... we're just waiting to simply BE together again.
That's our initial focus.
We figure maybe by Summer.

Which though only a few short months away...
seems like an eternity.

We're so much alike it's just crazy.
We like the same things and we share the same views socially, politically and spiritually.
We share the same memories as well because of our close past and age.
And we're even starting to trace our "roots" together to maybe an even earlier time.
Cuz as it turns out, we lived in the same neighborhood as little kids, shared the same mutual friend, and quite possibly played together.
And she could've been at some of my early birthday bashes that my mom would hold for all the neighborhood kids in her tavern.

And mainly... we also both have "toys in the attic",
and are quite nutz as well.

Melody is exactly what her name represents...
a song in my heart!

Not to sound cliche... but she really DOES complete me.
It may all sound like we're a couple of wackaloons,
and if so... so be it.
But this new phatty bom batty love affair with each other
has both of us all mooly-gooly-wanna & diggidy-swizzled.

She is my soulmate who is ever so amazingly into all the same crazy, weird, esoteric, eccletic, bizzare and sublime and spiritually uplifting things that I am into.
She also has Pagan, Wiccan, and Universalist Unitarian beliefs and she seems to have put some sort of a spell on me...
or did I cast one on her...?
Magic is Magick... and I'm not one to quibble with the natural & cosmic powers that be.
And faeries and wee people seem to maybe have been pushing us closer together and creating delightful mischief and love in our lives.
All I know is dat she is my Moon Goddess,
and has sent this Magician's heart soaring.
She has taught my very soul to levitate.
Pretty figgedyfarking NEAT trick... huh...!?!

Rediscovering Melody was like finding the Holy Grail...

Only... the adventure is JUST begining...!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

"Target, Tickets and Birthdays..."

Wow... keeping a blog, a website and a Myspace page updated
kinda gets a bit backlogged every now and then.
As usual, I started this entry on Thursday... and it's now Saturday.
So let's see, where to start and catch up...

Been working at Target for a bit now.
Not what I wanted, but for now... it's a job.
I work on the "POG Team". Which is an overnight team that sets up the signs, price tags, displays, and other components of the aisles, etc.
Hours can sometimes be a bit... bizarre.
I was originally hired to work 10pm to 6am.
But have been working from 4am to anywhere from 9:30 to 12:30pm.
Lately... 3am to 10am.

Target is certainly a strange place.
Kinda like working at a cross between Disneyworld...
and The Third Reich.
Everyone's just so GODDAMNED HAPPY!!!
"Fast, Fun & Friendly" is their motto.
They want you to practically accost people by running up and asking them...
"Can I help you find something?"...
with a huge shit eating grin.
All designed to suck dat last dollar outta the customer or "guest" as they call 'em.
They expect you to learn just about EVERYTHING about the store
and it's operations, how to do almost every job in the store
so you can rush to the register to ring up a "guest" should it be needed, etc.
They have morning "huddles' where they read off stuff from the main office, and give us reports on how much each department made for the week, proudly announce the new movies and CD's being sold,
and have a "recognition" session where everyone thanks
everyone else for being such fine & dandy co-workers and applauds.
"I'd like to recognize Joe for helping me stock 4000 pancake flippers!"
(which kinda turns into a "who can outdo the other match".)
Then at the end, when all is said and done... we all give a rousing "Team Clap On Three...!"

It's enough to make ya SICK.

All while attempting to rush & overwork you, paying you below average wages, and trying to fuck you out of as many hours as possible.
All with a frickin' friendly, warm and fuzzy big SMILE!

And what I wanna know is...
just who are these fucking people who show up at the store when it opens at 8am...?
I can see people in a rush on the way to work, etc.,
making a quick before work purchase...
But we got these "leisurely shoppers" at the buttcrack of da store opening, wanderin' around with a glazed look in there eyes like the Borg from Star Trek...
"Must consume...must consume...must consume..."
I don't think I've ever set foot in a frickin' department store before 12 noon in my life, let alone being the first Godamned one in da store...!

It gives me the "willies' sometimes I tell ya...

It's all based on some college boy business models that though may look good on paper...
just don't woik in da REAL world.
First of all... dis is DA SOUTH. Things are much SLOWER down here.
On paper it may SAY it should take 2 hrs. to unload a truck or stock some shelves...
but dat just ain't a happenin' round here!
They got every single task "timed" down to the letter on how long it SHOULD take according to them.
They have demerits if you don't take your lunch on time, and a bazillion other various rules, regulations, measurements,
ways of doing things, factoids, and other stoopid crap.

When we setup the shelving and displays, da "boys" at da main office must either create it there and assemble it themselves,
or just kinda "imagine it happening" verbally or something.
Then make something called a "plan-o-gram" or "POG" for us to follow.
Like a diagram/schematic/blueprint kinda thing.
Which most of the time... never works because of logistics, bad assembly and wear & tear on the displays and shelves or... "gondolas".
They have SO many abbreviations and a specialized lingo all their own that your also expected to know as soon as possible.
And even have a whole frickin' DICTIONARY in the back of the "Employee Handbook"!
It's a whole "system" way too involved to describe here.
A system kinda based on the old "Sam Walton/Wal-mart" model.
By making your employees feel all warm and fuzzy by calling them "Associates", "Team Members"... or "Family"...
all while trying to screw you out of a decent wage or GOOD set of benefits, and he always let his "Family" know just how exactly EXPENDABLE they were.

I call it... "TARGET NATION".

Because their ACTUAL "goal" is to be...
"The best department store on... the PLANET!"


Kinda like some kooky inbred strain of offspring,
born of Stepford Wife Nazi's who mated with Scientologists.

Like I said tho, for now... IT'S A JOB.

But I DO actually like the work, get employee discounts,
and know when there's gonna be "clearance" before the public.
(I'm a clearance junkie... I just bought a great new pair of name brand sneakers for $4.79...woo-hoo!)
"Must consume...must consume...must consume..."

And I get the old employee discount on THAT as well.

The job IS kinda fun and interesting for now,
and the time fly's by quickly.
The hours are REALLY cool for me.
(most of the time, depending how much sleep I get.)
I get OFF work while most people are GOING to work,
and have pretty much the whole day for myself.
And it's literally like 8 minutes from my house.
I could practically fall outta bed and be there on time.

Well, almost...

The other day they switched our hours from going in at 4am...
to going in at 3am.
(Jeezuz... I now know what early morning TV news guys feel like...)
I went to sleep kinda late, but set my alarm for 2 am to wake up.
I heard the alarm, hit da snooze button,
found myself hitting it for a third time,
then decided..."Lemme get up...".
I checked my phone clock and realized...

IT WAS 3:04!!!

I shoulda BEEN there already!

So I got dressed really fast without fixing lunch or COFFEE...
and headed out the door.
I jumped in to the trusty 'ol "White Shadow", went down the road,
turned onto the road/highway that Target is on, then barreled up the hill till it leveled out and slowed down...
Only to find a COP parked there!

(Shades of "Smokey and The Bandit"...!!!)

I shot down the street at a now much reduced speed
and got about 2-3 blocks further before he decided to follow me.
Finally as I went to turn into Target's lot... he kicked on the lights, and pulled me over in the lot.
Long story even longer... I walked away with 2 tickets dat morning.
One for speeding, and the other for having an expired registration sticker.
I registered the car like the 2nd week in October when I bought it.
The yearly registration cycle starts on your birthday month here.
Mine is November. So I basically paid the whole fee to have my car registered for only a couple a weeks.

I could maybe moan about it all... but why bother...?

"Boss Hog" had me dead to rights, I shouldn'ta oughta been speeding.
(Did *I* just say that? Hangin' out down Soufh here too long...)
And I shoulda got my shit together after it expired.
We were actually grinning and laughing as he handed me my due.
Kinda like...
"Caugh ya!"
"Yeah I know... you DOG You...!"

And the CLINCHER is...
When I got to the employee parking spots, ALL of my co-workers...
including my boss were sitting in their parked cars watching it all!!!
Apparently there was no one there to let them all in at 3am...!
So we all had to sit there and wait till 4 o'clock till they opened the doors anyway!!!

I was their "morning's entertainment", and when I went in the back stockroom to find a guy for some stuff, I said,
"Hi... you Adrian?
And he said...
"Yeah... your Eddie right? The guy who got pulled over this morning in the parking lot, huh? News travels fast around here son."

And so I now go by the nickname of "Speed Racer" at work.

So, for the next month... I'll be working for the state of Gee-OH-gia
to pay off my tickets.
And dat shiny new driving record I came down here with from Joisey...
now has a blemish on it for awhile.
(never had a speeding ticket or points on my license before.)
Oh well... wuddaya gonna do...yanno...?

The other BIG news around here are that we had a big birthday bash a week or so ago for my granddaughter Kadee.
It's was really actually her true birthday yesterday Feb.9th...
but her mom Kelly was sent over to the desert for the next couple a months...
so we had an early celebration.
We had a house full 'o people, with wall-to-wall babies and toddlers.
Kelly did a great job puttin git all together, and we even had a Chocolate fountain, with lil pieces of strawberries, banans, apples,
and poundcake cubes to dunk in the warm chocolate!
( I was a "regular" at da 'ol fountain thingy that day...)
Pix are on a link on my MySpace page. Click the link on the top left of this page to go to MySpace to find them.

So right now it's "Two Men and a Baby" around here.
We had the little monkey to the doctors tonite, cuz she started daycare while Kelly's away, and got some kinda "daycare/school bug" flu & ear infection.
I told DJ my son-in-law that one of us should wear a shirt when we go out together with the baby that says something to the effect of...
"NO... were NOT a gay couple! He's the Dad, and I'm da Pappy!"

Not that I truly care really... tho he may be a bit fomahobic...
I dunno.

All three of us miss Kelly terribly, and hope for a fast tour of duty over there, and can't wait to see her here home again safe.
Love & miss you baby!

Went on a Sunday "expedition" last weekend and ventured a little farther out to a town around here called Hawkinsville for a photoshoot.
Looks like it hasn't changed since the 50's.
I wandered into the poorer, black section of town and was STUNNED at just how poor the conditions are there.
People literally livin' in SHACKS.
Makes the burnt out buildings of the old South Bronx
look like a condo village.
Woulda gotten outta the car to take a few shots, but didn't wanna be some insulting honky, takin' pictures of their plight.
It's a shame that in this country of such wealth and opportunity...
that people have to live in such conditions of poverty.
My heart goes out to them, poverty SUCKS...big time!
Been there, done dat myself... still ain't livin' large.
But despite seeing that, it was a nice day out alone by myself.
I enjoy taking solo trips into oblivion.

I also got an email from a great gal I met on the flight back from Vegas.
She has a jewelry business, and may be interested in having me do a website for her.
A new project!

So basically datz about it for now.
I put up some new music on my MySpace jukebox for anyone who cares to enjoy 'em.
Just hit da lil arrows next to the spindles on the tape player
to advance to a new tune.
Got a few things to do around here, then I'm gettin' dressed,
jumpin' in "Da White Shadow", gassin' up...
and goin' out on another adventure to explore a bit more.

Happy Birthday Karen!
Love you!

R.I.P. Anna Nicole.
You were one whacky broad...
but you were also very easy on da eyes, fun to watch...
and a very LOST soul.
I KNOW the feeling.
Hope you somehow now find the love you were missing.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

"On The Road Again..."

Well, actually... just got back.
(photos at the end of this post.)
More about in a bit... let's catch up a little.

How've ya been my cheeky wee monkeys?
It's been awhile... again, since our last get together.
Since moving down here to da "Peach State", we got the new house in order after the move, the kids bought new living room furniture,
I got my license, and I also bought my very first car in like 20 something years!
A Dodge Shadow in unbelievable condition for what I paid for it!
Clean inside and out.
Only things wrong with it were no spare tire and a droopy ceiling fabric.
Both of which I fixed with a can of spray adhesive and a trip to the junkyard.
Been going out buying little do-dads for it like new floor mats, etc.
I LOVE my lil "hoopdee".
Been gettin' real comfortable with going from city boy to country bumpkin.
A bit slower paced down here... but it's cool.

Been traveling around a bit lately.
I just got back from Las Vegas a few days ago.
First we went to Nashville Tennessee to my son-in-law DJ's
family's house for Thanksgiving.
A humongously HUGE & beautiful house with 5 plus bedrooms and a shitload of land with creeks, lakes, and mountains behind it.
His dad even made a makeshift golf course on it.
Went out and hit/shot/putzed (?) a few after Thanksgiving dinner.
(wuddo I know about golf...?)
Had a great time there.
Met a lot of his family, who came in for the holiday.
So we had a real old time, big Thanksgiving and an early Christmas.
(we exchanged gifts around the Christmas tree early cuz we were all together.)

They live just outside of Nashville.
The countryside is just fantastic there!
Rocky forrested hills with cool mountain roads.
It was an interesting drive there.
Dunno why... but Tennessee sems to have LOT'S of fireworks stores.
Whole SUPERMARKETS... for ALL your incediary needs!

We also went into Nashville and to the Grand Ol Opry.
The Opry is actually a big complex now, with a large mall, hotels, etc. around it.
The whole family went to a holiday exhibit there called "Ice!"
It's a big refrigerated space where you put on parkas, and view amazing ice sculptures.
Pretty cool.
(oops... did I just say that...?)

And just recently, Kelly & DJ got special duty in Las Vegas.
So they asked me to come along to make it a family vacation,
and to help look after Kadee while they worked.
We were there for 10 days, and they worked for 4.
Nice job... huh?
We stayed on Nellis Air Force Base in a military apartment/housing thingy, surrounded by dessert mountains, with all sorts of cool stuff flying overhead!
It's home to the "Thunderbirds" show plane squadron, and a special exercise detail called "Red Flag", where different squads do simulated combat with each other.
I watched few dogfights & chases overhead while there.

Vegas was phenomenal!
No longer "Sin City"... it's now a resort with lots of stuff for the whole family.
Well... certain parts of it are still pretty sinful, should ya want that sorta thang.
[looking at da ceiling, whistling...]
Hey...! Wut happens in Vegas... well... yanno...

Most big casinos had luxurious & large shopping malls inside,
with everything form F.A.O. Schwartz toys to Armani couture.
Dancing fountains, and volcanos that erupt every hour on the hour,
bright lights and neon, MAGIC SHOWS EVERYWHERE...
I wuz in "hoggy heaven" as my buddy Morty says.

We took a ride out to Hoover Dam & Lake Mead and did the tour which was really cool.
And we also went to this resort some miles away from Vegas called Montelago Village on another man made, "Lake Las Vegas".
It's fairly new, and modeled after a lake town near Florence Italy.
A beautiful and pretty "ritzy" joint, with hotels, shops, casinos,
restaurants and golf courses.

But not being much of a gambler, and not rich enuff for the malls, etc... I enjoyed myself more on my solo excursions into the dessert.
I got a few great pictures of it, especially at sundown and at night.
It was like the sky caught fire, and then burned out into complete darkness.

My forays into the dessert were captivating.
I couldn't get over the amazingly hypnotic solitude of it!
It was like being on another planet!
I wanted to drive forever.
Ya can get to a place where there's only another car every 5-10 minutes or so.
Nothing around, no cell phone reception...
just you, da road, rocks like carved concrete, da mountains and sand.

"Cityboy" made da BIG mistake of going out one time...
and not caculating his gas gauge properly.
Mesmerized by the drive and not thinking about the 1/4 tank I had left, I kept going a bit further, till I realized...
"Shit... I may not make it BACK...!!!"
Thank God I DID.
Dat woulda been one HELL of a pain in the ass!

There were even a couple a families camping out there.
(and a few strange lookin' people hitchiking into the city from the dessert from whence, I know not... and don't really CARE to know...!)

One night, we stayed in and watched "The Hills Have Eyes" DVD on our laptop.
It was about mutant people living in the dessert after H-bomb testing in the 60's, who terrorize a stranded family in a camper broke down in the dessert.
It frightened the balls outta Kelly.
And truthfully... a few times I was out in the dessert at night alone...
I kinda got a little case of the "willies" meself!
The dessert is even weirder out there at night... lemme tell yaz!

So all in all... I've been having some AMAZING adventures since leaving Joisey.
The way things are startin' to shape up...
it looks like the New Year is gonna be the start of even more!

Click below for a gallery of pix of Nashville & Vegas.
Having to size them down for the gallery don't do them justice.
But you'll get the idea.

Holiday Vacation!

Well... datz about it for now kids.
Looking forward to see what 2007 brings!!!


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