"Random Randomities..."

[Post concept blatantly stolen from good friend Cherdoo]

Random things about me...

I...

have a tiny permanent hole on the palm of my right hand, into which I can stick a toothpick about 1/4 inch.

have been a "night person" since around age 12, waiting for my mom to close the tavern, and have fought sleep since. But once asleep... go into a coma.

have secretly always idolized Elvis while he was, and then when he wasn't "cool"... and still do now that he's "cool" again.

can swallow a handful of needles or razor blades, a length of thread...
then pull them back up threaded.

have an extremely hard time going past a Best Buy, Circuit City, CompUSA, or any other computer/electronics store... without going in and "becoming one with the Borg" for about 45 min. to an hour.

can live on any type of pork.

still get da "willys", and damn near wet myself whenever I hear Linda Blair's voice in The Exorcist.

have injured myself & broken more bones than Robbie Knievel.

once chanted "Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo" for about 13 hours straight in hopes of "spiritual cleansing" (but actually in an attempt to pick up one of the Buddist chicks I had met that day), and wound up being blessed & recieving a rare Buddist sacrament scroll later that night from the equivalent of the Buddist "Pope" in one of his even rarer USA visits.

weep at awards shows.

have an uncanny knack for stating the obvious, and asking stupid questions.
Polish genes inherited from mom I guess... she's dat way too.

love the smell of Vick's Vapo-Rub.

have a tenacious "idiot/savant-like" aptitude for solving most computer problems...
but have no formal training, and haven't a clue about what I'm doing most times...
yet inexplicably do it somehow.

once ate a chicken, banana and peanut butter sandwich...
and loved it. (but didn't poop for a week later.)

am a complete neat freak.

have met several celebrities, but have never been a "star struck" type person...except for the time I met John Lennon.
(a month or so before he died.)

have a HUGE tolerance to large amounts of pain, yet am a complete baby with things like papercuts, rashes, and the flu.

can push a lit cigarette thru a quarter.

have a very sick & warped sense of humour, and at times... will laugh uncontrollably at some small stupid joke, long after it's no longer funny, and until I begin to sound like a maniacal Ricky Ricardo... with tears streaming down my eyes.

am a total sucker for hype, even though I know better.
especially movie hype.

once found a "giant light bulb filled with steel wool" in an abandoned theatrical lighting company.
(which turned out to be a huge flashbulb...)
I screwed it into a small closet light fixture,
looked up,
flipped the switch...
and thought momentarily...
that they "dropped the bomb".
I got an instant sunburn... and that damned large "spot" stayed in front of my eyes for hours...

can forgive more easily than I can forget.
[still working on that...]

hate to be alone... yet at times... can be amazingly comfortable with it, and with myself.

can snort milk, and make it squirt out my eye.
(NOT a magic trick... just pure talent.)

have difficulty understanding why it is, that when you talk to God, they call it prayer...
but when you get answers... they call it schizophrenia...

have never "acted my age"... even as a kid.

"My Turf..."

Was listening to some music earlier tonite and had my headphones on, so didn't notice that my mom was waving at me, and motioning to me that the phone was ringing.
I picked up the phone, looked at the caller ID and noticed a Monmouth county area code... ex-girlfriend territory...
“Uh-oh... what now...?”

The man’s squeaky voice on the other end of the line asked...
“Is dis Eddie...?
“Uh... yeah...???” I said.
“Yooz got 24 hours, to take dat crap off da internet...
or you’ll have to deal wit me...”

Then he hung up.

I redialed the number from the caller ID, but unfortunately the punk was too chicken to pick up da phone.
So he did the equivalent of a “telephone drive-by”.
Chickenshit.

I don't scare easily...

Your doin' a good job there "hero"...
unfortunately your racing to da wrong burning building Slappy...
Try asking your new honey for some honesty.

I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t get ugly about all this,
and I still won’t really...
But c’mon...???

They say hindsight is always 20/20.
And in retrospect... I seem to remember going thru the same exact situation years ago, with the same ex-girlfriend...
only with me threatening her “ex-boyfriend”...
to stop emailing, calling & bothering my wonderful new “beloved”.
(or was she really "mine"... was he actually an "ex" yet...?)
Now thinking back, maybe she was just trying to "overlap the seams" of the two of us... "cover her tracks" cuz maybe she never really broke up with him originally.

Yep... dat hindsight is a bitch.
I was a magician, an illusionist, an ex-junkie/alcoholic, con-man, and bullshit artist extraordinaire when I wanted to be...
better that the best of ‘em.
I know horseshit when I hear it.
But unfortunately when it comes to matters of the heart...
if it's played too close to da vest...
the blinders always go up.
Things dat make ya go “Hmmm…???”... that sound strange,
you nix off as your sweetheart’s lil idiosyncrasies...
ya always miss 'em... second guess yourself...

I know I was fed a whole “bill of goods” concerning the whys & wherefores about why she was bailing out on this relationship, how long she was or wasn't dating da plumber, etc...
and I know her modus-operandi...
I know she’s prolly spoon-feeding a whole lotta shit to her friends, family and new “heros” about me, and why we split.
"Overlapping da seams"... covering her tracks...
It's called bailing out & cheating on your boyfriend sweetheart.
And ya know wut...?
Datz Ok.
I know my mistakes in our relationship,
and take responsibility for them.
And I know hers as well.
Unfortunately... she isn't taking responsibility for her part...
isn't being honest.
Which is truly sad.
But datz all on her now. She has to live with it.

So does he now.

(Mine & God’s lil joke...! Karma iz a muthafuka...!)

But yanno wut plumber boy...?
She was mine... before she was yours.
She was mine... while she began to be yours.
And that’s ok.

You win dood... enjoy your "prize".

Just a word of warning for ya...
the way I was warned by the boyfriend before me...
Just be careful, and be wise enough to question what doesn’t sound right.
Maybe I shoulda listened...? I dunno... maybe not...
I do cherish the last 7 yrs.
Wouldn't trade 'em back for the world.
And I do wish you both love & luck.

But this is MY TURF.

This is MY website, about MY joys... about MY loves...
about MY pain... and it's my way of easing it.
There’s no mention of full names, nothing slanderous, or anything untrue... no content that would hurt anyone...
just words to enlighten...
if you two are smart enough to hear the message.

It’s about ME... and MY life.

Sometimes with my being sick, going thru treatment, having my mom dying, being faced with even more of life crisis's coming down the pike...
And now losing the one person that I thought I could depend on in life... whom I thought would never leave my side...
always love me...

Sometimes I think it's just way too much pain for one person to have to bear alone.

But I'll get thru it.
And like they say...
If it don't kill ya... it makes you stronger...

Last I checked... I ain't dead yet...
Guess who's doin' push-ups...?

And as Alanis Morrissette sings..."You Learn".
(see song after this post...)

And even tho you may be with her now... she is still... my love.
And will always be to some degree or another... forever.

No matter how much she “bends the truth”...
or is a scared or confused little girl at times...
I will still love her.
For all her faults.
I can forgive her.

Let's see how long you can make that claim...

And I’ll talk to her, write her, post poems & song lyrics here for as ever long as she wants me to, or cares to read them...
And I know she's eating up all this whole soap opera over her as if it were Reese's Pieces...
lovin' all the conflict & drama over her... all the attention...
but still... I'll always be here for her... till the day I die.

Oh... and dat Hudson county number you dialed tonite...???
It’s also MY TURF...
MY HOUSE dere Skippy.
Dis ain’t da Jersey shore up here Chuck.
Your swimmin' in some dark water here son...

So before you go callin’ people, and sellin’ "woof tickets" about who had better do what in who’s house, on who’s turf...
makin' threats...
Ya had better get a grip there nephew...
School's out... smarten up.

You don't know me...
I’m ten years removed from the insanity of my past life...
But you don’t wanna see dat crazy ‘ol werewolf come out when he’s backed into a corner Sparky...

I’m a nice guy today, and wish the best for everyone.
Even you two.
And I mean that with all my heart.
Really.
Have babies and ride off into the sunset on your midlife crisis motorcycles & muscle cars...
(They're just a substitute for your little... oops... nevermind...!
Wasn't gonna go there... sorry...!)

I was trying to "live and let live", forget about everything,
put away the pain,
and move on with my life...
and in this web journal.
Other people seem to have a different agenda.
And now I'm getting threatening phone calls.

Next time... the two of you...
before you speak,
before you say things that aren't true,
before you act...
you'd better... Think.

And just don’t push me...
on MY TURF...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[music link removed due to lack of space, and lack of interest in the parties involved.]

You Learn
Alanis Morrisette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles...

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more that you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears...

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you´re gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend...

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn...

"Dance..."

[music link removed to lack of space, and lack of interest in the parties involved.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Hope You Dance
Lee Ann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance...
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder, where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance... I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone)

"And So The Clock Ticks..."

Had my first visit to the St. Mary's Mental Health Center yesterday.
Mostly just an eval for another therapist whom I'll see in Sept.
Feels good.
I'm now officially a bonafide nutcase...
but I'm gettin' better.
I'm using every tool in da toolbox these days to get well.

Also out of the blue... my daughter in the Air Force in Georgia called me.
She heard thru the grapevine (my other daughter) that Adrianna had bailed out on me for an old plumber with a wad of cash and a motorcycle... and that I was extremely sad.
She said her boyfriend was getting deployed to the Middle East next month.
So she said she wanted me to come down to Georgia to be with her, hang out, and be there when she got her next sonigram, cuz she was sad & afraid she'd be alone for it.
So I get a much needed vacation from around here, and to be a dad and grandfather.
And while I'm down there... I'll finally get to meet my Georgia sweetie Sara Jane in person...!
How cool iz dat...?

Also yesterday, I took Mom to the oncologist (cancer doctor)
Basically, after going thru all the options of chemo, radiation, etc.
we found out exactly where things stand.
I rolled Mom in her wheelchair down to the riverside park, we discussed it all for awhile, and came to the conclusion...
we're not gonna go with treatment, cuz it's pretty much not worth it as far as the quality of the rest of her remaining days.
We're gonna turn it over to God...

We talked about what dress she wanted to be laid out in,
held each other's hand...
and watched as a large Carnival Cruise ship rolled out to sea.

And so the clock ticks...

"After Awhile..."

After a While
Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn
to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...


uv yooz...

"This Too Will Pass Away..."

This Too Will Pass Away
~ Helen Steiner Rice ~

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be ...

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me ...

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that "this will pass away, too!" ...

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains...
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all the chains
That are binding me tight in "the darkness"
And trying to fill me with fear ...
For there is "no night without dawning"
And I know that "my morning" is near...

"I Will Lay Down My Heart..."

[music link removed to lack of space, and lack of interest in the parties involved.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Can't Make You Love Me
Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights,
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me,
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close,
Don't patronize...

Don't patronize me.

'Cuz I can't make you love me...
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power,
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me...
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right,
Just give me till then...
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight...

'Cuz I can't make you love me...
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power,
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me,
If you don't...

"Farewell My Sweet Baby Angel... "

[music link removed to lack of space, and lack of interest in the parties involved.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kiss The Rain
Billie Meyers

Hello...?
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?

Hello...?
Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line...
Are you sure you're there alone?

'Cause I'm...
Trying to explain...
Something's wrong...
Ya just don't sound the same.

Why don't you,
Why don't you,
Go outside,
Go outside...

Kiss the rain.

Whenever you need me.
Kiss the rain.
Whenever I'm gone too long.

If your lips...
Feel lonely and thirsty.
Kiss the rain.
And wait for the dawn.

Keep in mind...
We're under the same sky.
And the night's...
as empty for me, as for you.
If you feel,
You can't wait till morning...
Kiss the rain.
Kiss the rain.
Kiss the rain.

Hello...?
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do...
But not the way I'm missing you.

What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close, but it feels
like you're so far.
Oh would it mean anything...
If you knew...
What I'm left imagining.
In my mind,
In my mind,
Would you go,
Would you go...
Kiss the rain.

As you fall over me...
Think of me.
Think of me.
Think of me.
Only me...

Kiss the rain.

Whenever you need me...
Kiss the rain.
Whenever I'm gone too long.
If your lips...
Feel lonely and tempted...
Kiss the rain.
and wait for the dawn.

Keep in mind...
We're under the same sky.
And the night's...
As empty for me, as for you.

If you feel,
You can't wait till morning...

Kiss the rain.
Kiss the rain.
Kiss the rain...
Kiss the rain.
Oooooohhhhh...
Kiss the rain.
Oooooohhhhh...
Kiss the rain...

Hello...?
Can you hear me...?
Can you hear me...?
Can you hear me...?
Can you hear me...?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dancin' alone again...
Eatin' my big chocolate chip cookie and drinkin' my Yoohoo.

Goodbye my Sweet Baby Angel...

Will always be here for you.
Till the day I die.
Love You...
Yots 'n yots...

"Hello... Hello...Hello... Is There Anybody In There...?"

Anti-depressants.
Against all my better judgement, knowledge, training...
I agreed with my doctor to try them.
BIG mistake.
And I was never really "depressed" from the Interferon anyway...
just a bit extra "weepy" at Hallmark commercials, and sad movies.
I've been in a fog for a week now.
Constant feeling of detachment, being "slightly right of center"...
when I actually hang slightly left.
Very little emotions, and no will to do anything.
They're also 'sposed be for "obcessive/compulsive disorders".
Sometimes a little OCD goes a long way.
It gets the house cleaned, the computer fixed, the cat's box dumped...
I've been forgetting to eat, and going to sleep eating a handful of grapes and a few chocolate chip cookies...
and the PC's still broke, and the house is a mess.
I got stuff to do... people to see, places to go, things to take care of.
Instead I wake up in the morning, and stare blankly at a TV show I have no interest in, and vibrate for 6 hrs with that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I have to go to the principal's office.
Then around four o' clock I muster all the strength I have, to get in the shower, and go over to the hospital to see mom...

A week ago, mom had problems breathing.
It got worse throughout the night, and after much arguing with her to go to the hospital (stubborn old Pollock), she agreed to go to the emergency room the next day.
I rushed her there in an ambulance, and spent the next nine hours in the ER.
At first they said it looked like a bit of pneumonia in her lung, so they admitted her. A few days later after x-rays, catscans and tests... they found "shadows".
Both sides.
After today's lungoscopy biopsy procedure, what they kinda had been guessing about all week is now positive... 2 inoperable tumors...
one on each side.
Mom had breast cancer... TWICE some years ago, and had two mastectomies on different occasions.
She's had a pretty good run for the past 15 years.
Looks like it's back.
She's 80.
She's fraile, with diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, walking around with a hernia, and a host of other assorted lil nasties wrong with her.
She's a tough old Pollock... but this time...
she just wants to go home to see the cat... Spooky.

And having to fill out your mother's "living will", and writing down...
"DO NOT RESUSITATE"
is a punch in the gut I wouldn't wish on anyone.

As if there was a "good time"...
this could'nt've happened at a worse time.
This is a senior citizen's building my mom and I live in.
She's helped me raise my kids here for the past 15 or so years.
They've grown and left the nest recently, leaving just me, mom and Spooky here together.
But technically, we were never really "allowed" to live here with her.
And I've been outta work for awhile now, and had to go on public assistance to help pay for my Hep C treatment and other medical problems.
And I need to stay on it for the next 10 months or so...
or stop my treatment.
Because at around 2 grand a month...
I'd never be able to afford it otherwise.
So basically, depending on how much longer mom has...
I'll be homeless.
Without the proverbial "pot to piss in".
No friends or family to put me up, no substantial money coming in except for a very few bucks I get a month in cash and foodstamps.
And when someone kicks off in this building...
they want your shit out.
Quickly.
Nowhere to put all our belongings, nor the people and resources to move it.
And no one wants a little black cat with "attitude issues".

So now, we wait till monday...
to see exactly which variety of cancer mom has...
and if there's anything that can be done to buy us a bit more precious time.

I have become... "uncomfortably numb"...