"Fortune Cookie..."

Three weeks ago, when I ordered Chinese takeout the night before I left Joisey... that was in my fortune cookie.

Since my last blog entry, I am now officially... a redneck.
Tho I still think "ol Georgie Dubbaya" is a jerkoff,
and as useless as a bag of smashed assholes...
(GOD! I'm already talkin' like a redneck...!!!)

During the past 3 weeks, we've pretty much been settin' up shop around here at the new house. Lots of stuff to keep ya busy...
Hangin' pictures, putting away stuff, setting up computer networks, shopping, mowing, cleaning, planning, etc.
Kelly & DJ got themselves a gorgeous & big 'ol brand spanking new house.
I live in the "south wing".
The whole community here is new... and growing.
We're one of like 4-5 familes actually living on our street...
Timberwind Drive.
(sounds sorta "poetic"...don'tcha thank?)
The other houses on our street are still being built or still waiting for buyers.
Most of the rest of our lil suboyban lanscape filled up pretty fast.
And there's TONS more land off in the distance that'll prolly get turned into even more living communities. Kelly and I take sunset walks with the baby down brand new empty roads with open fields of land just setup and waiting for new houses to be built on 'em.
Apparently... it's booming around here from this and other areas I've seen so far.
You can even see it from the air...
new towns and communities being formed.
And it's friggin' CHEAP too!
What the kids pay for their monthly mortgage...
my ex-wife paid for a months rent in the last dump she lived in up north.
And rent is cheap too down here. Their last place had 2 br & 2 baths in a brand new condo-type house, with parking, a pool and a gym for $800 bucks.

It's sorta like the burbs around here, yet if you drive only like a 1/2 mile or so from here... there's fields, moo cows and barns 'n shit.
So it's kinda country-like too.
Go down another road, and ya got yer Walmart, Targets, Applebees, and T.G.I.F. type Joints. So it's rural, yet also modern and suburban.

And when I left Jersey it was already starting to get cold...
but down here it's still "hotter than two squirrels fuckin' in a wool sock".
(Jay-zuz... thar ah go agin...!)

While sitting at my desk, I often hear the sound of F-15's and other fighter planes, and look out the window to see them flying overhead enroute to Warner Robins Air Force Base about 10 minutes from here.
Every so often one will break the sound barrier and it scares da beejeezuz outta me.
<"Boom!">
But even tho I'm not actually a "military type" person...
it's kinda cool and comforting to know their around.
The AF base if figgedyfarking humongus!
Pretty impressive, I must say.
We go there regularly for family days, retirement things, to bring DJ lunch, or pickup Kelly and stuff.
Kelly works the day shift, and he works nights.
(I woik da "middle shift" watchin' lil Kadee.)

Since I'm down here, I already applied for a job right up the street.
It's a little shit job, just to have some bucks to contribute to the house, and get me thru till I can get up enuff cash for a set of wheels to find a better job.
Kelly & DJ's old neighbors have a Dodge Shadow that's supposedly in great shape waiting for me for dirt cheap.
And the kids said they'd help me out by going halfs on it.
That's the one thing around here compared to back up in the city...
"Ya needs ta hayuv a vee-hic-uhhhl".
And right this second, sitting in my wallet, in my steamy hot lil back pocket, I am thoroughly, and absolutely proud to say...
sits my very first LEGAL driver's license since 1984!!!
Now I'm an OFFICIAL Georgia redneck, able to drive his very own self down to da "Piggly-Wiggly" for sum chewin' tabackky and a snowcone!




(Da address is blacked out for obvious reasons. And the picture has glare on it cuz... well ya'll know wut dem damn "driver's license photos" look like!)

Back up north they gave me a shitload of problems trying to get one.
(see past blog entry about this.)
And they wanted me to wait like 6 to 8 weeks after my written test to take my road test! I got it all done down here in ONE day, and in around TWO HOURS!
"Faster than a bell clapper in a goose's ass"...
(Oh God... somebody please stop me wit da frickin' Suthunisms...!)

I took the tests and aced them, and then they issued me the actual valid Georgia State driver's license like 5 minutes later.
(This wuz all with literally 10 minutes worth of actual driving practice, after not being behind a wheel for 5 yrs. or more!)
But I just gotta say... my hat's off to da Georgia DMV.
This is a very proud day for me, and I'm just plain old tickled about it for a million reasons too long to go into here.
It's something that for whatever reason...
I just haven't gotten around to doing for over 20 yrs.
"Maximum procrastination" I guess you'd call it.

I also now get to spend lots of time wit me lil buggerbear grandmonkey Kadee now.
She's the sweetest, prettiest kid in da whole woild...
and I ain't just sayin' dat cuz she's my granddaughter.



Anywayz, datz about it fer now ya'll.
I'ma fixin' to blow outta here and drive myself down to da Walmart for that thar special deal on O-fishee-all Nascar Monkey Lube and sum mo' beef jerky.
(They actually trust me wit da brand new family SUV! Gotta love my family... wut a bunch of eeediots! Just kiddin'!!! I'd be nowhere without them, and I still can't say enuff about my son-in-law. He's my hero, and someone I wanna be when I grow up.)

After my ride... I'ma go out yonder in the garage 'n fix sumthin'.
'Round these parts, ya only need but two tools...
WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40...
If it moves and shouldn't, use duck tape.

The past year or so, my life and luck kinda went into the toilet for a spell...
but now, it seems like my fortune is finally a changin' for the better.
And I can't wait to see what's around the bend and down the road apiece...

I'll leave ya'll with the contents of a letter that I found in our mailbox on tuesday, that the postman musta delivered here by mistake...

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Dear Ralphy Joe,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though... last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week...
the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning...
but I haven't found out if you are an aunt or uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother...

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly and drowned.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

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Ya'll come back now...hear?