"Escape From Noo Frickin' Joisey..."

Seems like I've been tryin' to get outta here for awhile now...

Went to the NJ DMV yesterday.
They got this new "6 Point I.D. System" now, where like a Chinese restaurant...
you gotta have "one from column A, two from column B, one from column C" type documents to add up to 6 points for your proper identification.
Not having a passport or military I.D.'s, etc.,
it kinda left it up to just my birth certificate , marrige license,
and a few other assorted odds & ends.
And all your stuff has be original copies, and not from hospitals, churches, etc... only state stuff is accepted.

Can you say... Nazi's boys and girls?
Gotta love dem dere whacky terrorists...
Makin' dis joint a really fun place to live lately... huh...?
But I digress...

Thank God stuff wuz on da up & up...
but I had it covered!
(or so I thought...)

So I got down dere to da DMV, proper papers in hand...
and upon presenting them to the girl, was told...
"Oh... this birth certificate has tape on it. We need original copies."

I said, "Ya can't get anymore "original" then dat...
it's forty-eight yrs. old... it's da one they handed me mum!"

She said, "Yeah... but it has tape on it."

"Datz cuz it's old sweetheart...
and that "tape" iz prolly older than you." I exclaimed.

"Well, I'm gonna have to check with my supervisor on this sir..."

So after a coupla minutes, she came back and told me...
"I'm sorry sir, but we can't accept this due to the tape.
and the tape also goes across the middle of the document sir..."

I said, "Yeah... but da "tape" iz CLEAR...!!!"

So she then proceeded to tell me how there are new laws concerning "tape" and other such nonsense, and how here in "wonderful Joisey City"... there was a rash of illegal, fraudulent birth certs given out. And so their Vital Statistics Dept. was shut down.
So I would have to write the state capitol Trenton to apply for a new one.
I asked how long it would take for me to recieve one, and she said...
"Oh... shouldn't take more than 6 to 8 weeks..."

I flipped out.

Everywhere else in da damn county you go downtown to city hall, and get one there.
But because of some freakin' corrupt jackasses in this town...
we gotta suffer.
I told her I couldn't wait that long, and so she said I could go to Trenton in person, and get one the same day.

So I asked, "Suppose I get da cert, come back here to apply for my license...
THEN how long would that take...?"

She said due to the fact that my license was suspended over 15+ yrs. ago...
I hadda redo my tests, etc.
She also said they had NO record of me ever having a driver's license in the past.

I said...
"If they didn't have any record of me ever having a license...
then why for the past 15+ yrs. did they keep sending me a fine for a "suspended one"?
What was suspended then?
Wut da figgeddyfarkinfook wuz da FINE for then...?
Did I just plop down a large amount of bucks a coupla weeks ago to payoff a non-existant one...???"

It just makes NOOOOO frickin' sense.
All a bunch of beaurocratic, terroristically fear-based, assinign & idiotic happy horseshit!
But again, I digress...

So continuing on with my original question of exactly how long the whole license obtaining adventure would take...
she told me that because I'm a considered a "new driver",
upon applying and recieving a permit, taking and passing my written test, they would then schedule me for a road test somewhere in da neighborhood of...
THREE FUCKING MONTHS FROM NOW...!!!

I should of originally taken the advice of my cousin Jimmy, an esteemed & retired NY/NJ Port Authority Police Lieutenant now living in Florida, who now loathes New Jersey had told me...
"Fuck Jersey... just go south, tell 'em ya never had a license...
and apply for one down there!"
(I'm a sometimes slow & dumb Pollock Jim... no matter how I try not to be...
Forgive me. I've always respected your advice and knowledge in da past. You, a cop... taught me how to pick handcuffs years ago when I wuz a young magician.
Wutta guy! A dood after me own heart from da start!
But now, I'm gonna take yer advice.)

So I'm gonna take a train ride down to good 'ol Trenton tommorrow, get me schtuff, come back, buy some cheap luggage... and pack.

Hopefully if all goes right, by this time next week...
I'll be in da Land 'O Cotton...
sippin' non-alcoholic mint julips, eatin' peanuts,
helpin' my daughter and her hubby move into their brand-newly built house, and playin' wit me grand monkey Kadee.

(if not... just shoot me...!!!)

I just hope dat after I arrive, da "Cotton Cops" down dere don't catch up wit me for pickin' dat piece of cotton...)

[see a past post back in October, "Just An Old Sweet Song..." about gettin' yelled at by Kelly whilst pickin' a piece 'o cotton by a lonely roadside]

So here I go...

"Mission Impossible"...

"Escape From Joisey!"

<"dump-dump... dump-dump, dump-dump... dump dump...">