"Happy Birthday Momma...!"

Dear Momma,

Last year was a bad one Momma.
The worst I ever had.
More bad things happened to me last year than any one person could ever bear.
At times I just didn't know what I was gonna do.
Bein' very sick myself and abandoned by a lover made caring for you even that much harder. And watching you slowly become consumed by the lung cancer caused me more pain than anything else that I was going through.

Seeing you in SO much pain just tore me apart inside.

It made me sicker,
it filled me with sorrow,
it made me angry as it ate away at me,
and more than anything...
it left me feeling so very, very HELPLESS.

Because your cancer was at it's last stages, and nothing more could be done for you... the home hospice care people advised me to do nothing but to just stay with you and make you comfortable.

That night that you left me... when you went into that seizure.
I held onto you tightly as you looked up into my eyes and said,
"Eddie.... please help me..."

And all I could do was to cradle you and stroke your head,
distressed and knowing you were leaving me.

That memory will haunt me for the rest of my life.

And even though I knew it was best to just hold you as I let you go... I still felt an overwhelming sense of anxious fear & urgency.
I wanted to DO something,
to call someone,
to cry for help,
to scream out loud...
even though nothing could be done for you.
And I'm still tormented by a deep feelng like I need to somehow be forgiven by you.

At that moment I knew exactly what it was like for Superman,
in that old 70's movie...
when the earthquake killed Lois Lane.
And as he knelt there weeping, holding her in his arms, he knew...
despite ALL of his amazing powers... even HE was powerless.
There was nothing he could do.

A part of me went away with you that day Momma.
But an even bigger part stayed.

The part that is YOU Momma.

Through your simple ways,
the one thing that you taught & blessed me with,
is that part of you that is all of your strength, wisdom and grace.
The part of you that I carry deep inside me,
that saw me thru all of that pain & sorrow.

You bestowed upon me powers greater than Superman's.
He was a fictional character who was an alien from another planet.
You gave me by your example,
the greatest gift that I have Momma...
you taught me how to be... HUMAN.

And now, even though your gone for a year...
I see your echoes everywhere.

I see you whenever I'm thrilled with something that I know you would've liked.
I see you whenever I look at my daughters,
whom you helped me care for and raise.
I see you whenever I look at my granddaughter, lil Kadee.
And I see your eyes more & more now Momma...
whenever I look at my own aging eyes in the mirror.

And even though these old eyes of mine are crying right now Momma,
they're no longer tears from pain & sorrow.
They're tears of joy, knowing that your no longer suffering,
that I had you to watch over me for 48 years...
and that your in a better place.
My tears are a celebration of your beautiful life,
knowing that you've done a wonderful job while you were here taking care of me and the girls.

So today on your birthday Momma...
I just want you to know that we send you our love and thank you Ma.
And your never far from our thoughts.
The girls are doing good, and you'd be proud of them.
And me... I'm doin' alright too.
I've gotten better, and I've fallen in love again.
[I think you'd like this one Momma. She's a nut just like your son.]
And my life just keeps getting more & more exciting & adventurous.

Thank you so very much Momma, for everything you've taught me and for my wonderful life.
Happy Birthday!

I'm sleepy right now Ma.
Gonna lay down to take a nap.
Come visit me in my dreams...
I like it when you do that.

Till I see you again...
I Love You Momma.

eddie