"I turned to look but it was gone..."

Jabberwocky!

2009-03-24T17:34:00.034-05:00

"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."

OK…

So what the fuck is up with the recent "trend" of all the weird & funky names for social networking websites, IM/chat, video conferencing, search engines and various other web services, web communities, websites & software lately…???

I would imagine in an effort to be “noticed”… these “geniuses” who create these things figured…
“The weirder the name… the more we’ll get remembered”.

Now these names are thought up by people who are "supposed" to be a LOT smarter than the average Joe on the street. Folks who have all sorts of college degrees in computer science, marketing and whatnot.
Actual smart, intelligent, "grownups" who not only are smart...
but pull down extremely lucrative salaries.

But in an effort to dream up these “catchy, kitschy, whacky & unforgettable” names (mostly in a copycat effort to mimic the largest & most successful search engine on the web)…
I dunno… most seem pretty stupid, annoying, insipid and downright GOOFY if ya ask me.

And after awhile… most become extremely… FORGETABLE.

In no particular order… here are just some of them that are out there…

Google
Froogle
Yahoo
Twitter
Reddit
Digg
Diigo
Friendster
Skype
Flickr
Blist
Blog
(I have one, but dat don't mean I'm happy wit da dumb name for it.)
Mozilla
Ubuntu
Kubuntu
Edbuntu
Wikipedia
(“Wiki” anything for that matter. There are lots of these.
Wiki this, wiki that.
Wut da fuck iz a "wiki"... and who da fuck cares anyhoo...?)

Stumpedia
Spurl
Furl
Simpy
Jaiku
Kaioo
Kaboodle
iMeem
Italki
Habbo
Bebo
Badoo
Bahu
Biip
Cloob
Oovoo
Meebo
Zeebo
Zebo
Uzoom
Xanga
Zaza
Zytu
Zoho

and...

Plurk...?

Who ARE these muppets working at bigtime IT companies that are dreaming up these imbecilic, jibberishy names...
and what kind of spacemonkey crackweed are they smoking in the break rooms...???

C’mon guys… my 3 yr. old granddaughter or a possessed televangelist minister “speaking in tongues” could think up better, more crerative & memorable names for stuff than this…!

Stop it!

These dumb names aren’t “cute, whacky or whimsical",
or MEMORABLE for that matter…
they’re just plain DUMB.

Just stop it right now!

Grow up & stop it before you make me puke!

[Kicking feet, pounding keyboard & banging head against desk]

Also... while on the subject of internet names, etc.

As a website designer & owner myself, some webmasters out there oughta give a little more thought into what they use as their website domain names…

Here is a small list that I “borrowed” (stole) from a forum on the web, of some actual website domain names that the designers gave very little pondering to…

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity:
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in
New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software:
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church:
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?
www.gotahoe.com

10. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers:
www.speedofart.com

Think guys… think…

50 Things...

2008-12-02T16:16:00.031-05:00

I turned 50 this past Sunday.

There were no fanfares, no parties, no whizzbang hootenannies to usher in the milestone birthday.

The only two people that wished me a Happy Birthday were the only two people on the planet that matter to me... my daughters.

Just a quiet day, mostly spent in thought, and then off to work later that night... just like any other day.

I didn't feel any older, any wiser or any different than I did the day before.

As a matter of fact inside I feel younger. It's just my body that bursts the bubble of that illusion.

But over the years I did learn a thing or two along the way. It hasn't been a total waste of time.

Here are 50 random things to name a few.

I've learned that...

1. It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I'm not there yet... but getting closer.

2. It’s 10 times easier to fall in love than to stay in love. And no matter what the sad songs say about romance, broken hearts do mend.

3. The singlemost solitary thing that I've ever done, that is to this day a neverending, constant source of happiness, pride & joy for me... has been to have children.

4. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

5. No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

6. Two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

7. It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

8. Never feed hamsters beer.

9. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

10. If you love them, cherish & tolerate your parents even with all of their quirks & faults. You'll never know just how quickly they could be gone. And no matter how much you think you may be... your never ready for it.

11. We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

12. Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

13. Books are overrated.
Books are fine, but this is the new millenium & information age. And how you get your stories, information, data, news, etc. can be from various sources. Whether it be television, radio, movies, documentaries, books, magazines, or the internet is entirely up to you. Don't ever listen to pseudo intellectual snobs who act as if books are the only "proper" way to get a story or information.
The only real plus side of books over other media is that it's an easier way to increase your vocabulary.
It's all just a matter of preference and your prerogative.
And people who would have you believe otherwise, are full of shit.

14. The same goes with personal taste.
Don't ever let someone dictate to you which movies, art, music, books, clothes, food, activities or any other thing in life are somehow better, cooler, more refined, classier or more enjoyable than what your own personal tastes and favorites are. Shakespere isn't necessarily any better than a Superman comic book. Classical music isn't particularly any better or more enjoyable to listen to than the Ramones. (Just maybe a bit more complicated) A film like My Dinner With Andre isn't any better a movie than Howard the Duck. (As a matter of fact it was an extremely disappointing BORE. Not Howard... but Andre. But then... that's just ME.)
It's all just a matter of taste.
Whatever you like and enjoy is up to... you.
And people who would have you believe otherwise, are full of shit.

15. I can squirt snot out my eye when I blow my nose. Probably milk too if I had the guts to try it.

16. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.

17. Money is a lousy way of keeping score.
It also doesn't dictate the type of person you are.

18. Credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
(Or particularly intelligent for that matter...)

19. Given my past history & experience, I find I'm an amazingly stronger a person than I ever thought I could be.
The expression "If it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger" is in fact very true.

20. Cheesburger + milkshake = Uncertain danger for me and anyone in a 5 mile radius of me.

21. Alcoholism & addiction is a disease for which there is no cure yet.
A recovering addict or alcoholic isn't a bad person getting better,
merely a sick person getting well.
And they aren't responsible for their disease... just their recovery.

22. It doesn't matter if people judge you, people who judge you don't matter.

23. Mental illness is as real as diabetes, arthritis or any other disease, and no more disgraceful. It’s the stigma that’s disgraceful.

24. It’s never a shame when you admit you don’t know something, and often a shame when you assume that you do.

25. Nobody is "normal".

26. Most "all natural" & folk remedies are nonsense. Never listen anyone who wants you to use garlic suppositories for a cold.

27. 1000 sheets of good old fashioned Scott toilet paper wins hands down over any of that expensive, fluffy & extra soft crap everytime.
Trust me on this the next time your stuck on the toilet when that fluffy stuff runs out on you.

28. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

29. The Bible, The Koran and similar "Holy Books" are nothing more than collections old stories, proverbs, fairy tales and morality lessons written by MAN not by God. Though meant for good, they have been the cause of more of man's wars, hatred & misfortune than anything else during our brief history on Earth.

30. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

31. The further you get away from New York City is directly proportional to the degree that pizza sucks everywhere else.

32. Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

33. Never try to make your own firecrackers.

34. You should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

35. Relationships come & go. Friends,lovers even family members come in & out of your life. But the best person to develop a relationship with is yourself.
Because no matter what... your stuck with you.

36. Laughing, crying, joy and anger… All are a vital. All make us human.

37. Never compromise your own reality.
What's true for you... is true for you. And nothing should ever shake that.

38. Cough syrup doesn’t work.

39. Keeping an open mind is as big a challenge as you get older as keeping a consistent waistline.

40. My biggest source of fear, anxiety, sadness & depression... is loneliness.

41. It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think your a fool, than to open your mouth and confirm it.

42. The older I get, the less I find that I really know.
I used to think I had it all figured out years ago, but I find that there is just so much out there to learn that it boggles my mind and makes me sometimes feel as though I don't know anything. Things that I thought were certain aren't, and things I thought I was unsure about I now find that I actually was sure about all along. I never stop asking questions. I never had it all figured out, I never will... and I never stop learning.

43. Love completely & unconditionally.

44. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

45. I'm a lot better person than I have ever allowed myself to believe that I was.

46. Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today, and you make your tommorrows.

47. My life is a Gift. One for which I am and always will be eternally grateful for and humbled by... especially the last 12 yrs. Which has been when I've learned the most about Life... so far. As much as I'd like to complain about things... I can't really. I'm grateful for everything that's happened to me, including the bad... which has been what I've learned the most from. My life has been charmed. Everyone should be as lucky as me and to have experienced what I have.

48. Never lick a steak knife.

49. I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy it.

50. Readers love lists.

(You got to the bottom of this one, didn’t you?)

iPhone Blogging Test

2008-11-10T19:29:00.017-05:00

"This is a test of The Emergency iPhone Blogging System. Should there have been an ACTUAL emergency, you would've been instructed to plant your face firmly between your legs and to kiss your ass goodbye..."

Hmmm... Wonder if this ting is gonna work and send this picture and post from my phone to the website?

Guess I'll know when I check online in a minute on the old iPhone web browser...

If so... I could send pix 'n stuff to my blogsite from ANYWHERE on da globe!!! It already can post LIVE video onto another video blogging website that I have. Pretty AMAZING shit!

Haven't posted here in a dogs age.

Check back.

More to come soon...

[Did I mention that I got an iPhone? Wut a DANGEROUS new toy I have... it does EVERYTHING! It figgedyfarkifookin' ROCKS! Brag-brag-brag-brag... LOL!]

"Happy Birthday Momma...!"

2007-04-17T10:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Momma,

Last year was a bad one Momma.
The worst I ever had.
More bad things happened to me last year than any one person could ever bear.
At times I just didn't know what I was gonna do.
Bein' very sick myself and abandoned by a lover made caring for you even that much harder. And watching you slowly become consumed by the lung cancer caused me more pain than anything else that I was going through.

Seeing you in SO much pain just tore me apart inside.

It made me sicker,
it filled me with sorrow,
it made me angry as it ate away at me,
and more than anything...
it left me feeling so very, very HELPLESS.

Because your cancer was at it's last stages, and nothing more could be done for you... the home hospice care people advised me to do nothing but to just stay with you and make you comfortable.

That night that you left me... when you went into that seizure.
I held onto you tightly as you looked up into my eyes and said,
"Eddie.... please help me..."

And all I could do was to cradle you and stroke your head,
distressed and knowing you were leaving me.

That memory will haunt me for the rest of my life.

And even though I knew it was best to just hold you as I let you go... I still felt an overwhelming sense of anxious fear & urgency.
I wanted to DO something,
to call someone,
to cry for help,
to scream out loud...
even though nothing could be done for you.
And I'm still tormented by a deep feelng like I need to somehow be forgiven by you.

At that moment I knew exactly what it was like for Superman,
in that old 70's movie...
when the earthquake killed Lois Lane.
And as he knelt there weeping, holding her in his arms, he knew...
despite ALL of his amazing powers... even HE was powerless.
There was nothing he could do.

A part of me went away with you that day Momma.
But an even bigger part stayed.

The part that is YOU Momma.

Through your simple ways,
the one thing that you taught & blessed me with,
is that part of you that is all of your strength, wisdom and grace.
The part of you that I carry deep inside me,
that saw me thru all of that pain & sorrow.

You bestowed upon me powers greater than Superman's.
He was a fictional character who was an alien from another planet.
You gave me by your example,
the greatest gift that I have Momma...
you taught me how to be... HUMAN.

And now, even though your gone for a year...
I see your echoes everywhere.

I see you whenever I'm thrilled with something that I know you would've liked.
I see you whenever I look at my daughters,
whom you helped me care for and raise.
I see you whenever I look at my granddaughter, lil Kadee.
And I see your eyes more & more now Momma...
whenever I look at my own aging eyes in the mirror.

And even though these old eyes of mine are crying right now Momma,
they're no longer tears from pain & sorrow.
They're tears of joy, knowing that your no longer suffering,
that I had you to watch over me for 48 years...
and that your in a better place.
My tears are a celebration of your beautiful life,
knowing that you've done a wonderful job while you were here taking care of me and the girls.

So today on your birthday Momma...
I just want you to know that we send you our love and thank you Ma.
And your never far from our thoughts.
The girls are doing good, and you'd be proud of them.
And me... I'm doin' alright too.
I've gotten better, and I've fallen in love again.
[I think you'd like this one Momma. She's a nut just like your son.]
And my life just keeps getting more & more exciting & adventurous.

Thank you so very much Momma, for everything you've taught me and for my wonderful life.
Happy Birthday!

I'm sleepy right now Ma.
Gonna lay down to take a nap.
Come visit me in my dreams...
I like it when you do that.

Till I see you again...
I Love You Momma.

eddie

"There Are Places I'll Remember..."

2007-04-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, I rediscovered a very old, near & dear friend.
Way back in the seventies, while going thru high school, and trying to become a budding new magician...
I met a girl who left an indelible fingerprint upon my soul.

Unfortunately at the time, she was my high school girlfriend's best friend, going out with someone herself.
She was also one of my assistants back when I was performing as "Candini & The Illusionettes".
Whenever we spoke to each other at any length back then,
we connected in a most magical way.
Our eyes always seemed to lock and twinkle.
And it was as if you could see an arch of electricity like a Tesla's coil shoot from our heads and briefly dance together above in midair.
But at the time, nothing happened, because in the litle circle of friends & couples that gathered together on weekends at my apartment, she had he... and I had her...
and anything else would've been unthinkable at the time.

So we just managed to all remain friends, knocking about and having our little seventies, hippie wine and reefer parties, listening to music, envisioning our futures, and dreaming of days to come.

More years passed, and we all went our separate ways, leading separates lives, and trudged on thru this amazing journey of ours called Life.

And as I mentioned before... Life just has these little ways of bringing you "surprises" sometimes... wonderfully crazy, unexpected, exciting and joyful little... GIFTS.

Now... 30 something years later... MY gift is...
Melody.

Awhile back I found her on a website called Classmates that finds old school chums.
I sent her an email, she replied, but didn't seem too interested in communicating with an old "ghost from her past".
She was involved with someone, and so was I at that time.
So we again kinda lost each other for awhile again.

Then some months back I found her again on Myspace.
I sent her a few emails, and got kind of a similar responses at first...
brief replies, again with seemingly little interest.
But then after awhile and out of the blue...
she wrote back to me at quite some length!
She confessed to me exactly how she had always felt about me.
And we both ended up sharing the fact that we always had a mutual "crush" on each other for years.

We emailed each other back and forth for a bit,
then ever so cautiously...
ventured into trying a now ancient form of technology...
the telephone.
[imagine dat...!]

I've managed to burn out my cordless phone battery every single night since...
switching to my cell, then burning that out only to switch back to my cordless again sometimes!

The small but unfortunate "glitch" in this whole adventure is...
she lives in Oklahoma!
And I live in Georgia now.

So a bit ago, I took a trip out there to be with her.
And I just haven't been the same since.

The trip getting there to be with her... was one from Hell.
Two days previous, a tornado barreled down thru her town only a few streets away.
It is... "Tornado Alley" yanno...?
Weather had been completely "full tilt Bozo" that week.
My flight had a layover in Dallas. And it was postponed for 3 hrs due to "extreme weather conditions".
I had worked the whole night before from 10pm to 6am, and had already been awake for 24 hrs. Once on the plane, I crashed and fell into a drooling deep coma for a little bit.
I awoke 3 hrs. later, not having taken off yet, and to the captain's voice saying that...
"What we're trying to fix that prevented us from taking off in the first place, might just be finished after a bit more testing.".
But he also mentioned that weather in Dallas just wasn't conducive to us landing there, and we would now have to land in Shreveport, Louisiana.

AND, once we got there, due to FAA standards and his being awake since 4am...
he wouldn't be able to fly anymore!
AND, that there were...
NO MORE FLIGHTS TO OKLAHOMA CITY LEAVING THAT NIGHT!!
AND... quite possibly not any more flights there till Monday...
3 DAYS LATER!!!!!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!!!!!"

This was totally wrong & unacceptable on SO many levels,
and I didn't relish the idea of being up now for 35 hrs. and having to get my much needed sleep on da floor of some airport,
in "West Timbukthree, Looozeeana"...
and missing out on finally being with and sleeping with my baby!
You think the Postmen have a creed...?
Frickin' thunderstorms, tornados, floods, tsunamis... not nuffin' would've stopped me from getting there that night!
It wuz like I wuz in fuckin' FEDEX mode...
"Guaranteed Overnight Delivery!"

So I immediately called American Airlines and...
"freaked out on they monkey asses".
I told them that I,
"just hafta be in Oklahoma City tonight cuz I'm getting married this weekend!"
A very nice man took my cellphone number, said,
"Lemme see what I can come up with."
and he later called me with glorious news...

A flight leaving on DELTA directly to Oklahoma city was leaving later that night at 9:30, and because of this wonderful man...
I now had a ticket all booked on it waitng for me!

So I went over to Delta to anxiously scoff up my reserved ticket to Neverland, sat down to some much needed Sesame Chicken at an airport Chinese joint, and narfed it down while waiting for my later flight.

I arrived in Oklahoma City around 10:30 feeling completely knackered.
I was originally going to do the 15 hr. drive out there, but figured I would give "The White Shadow", my old jaloopy a break...
and that flying would be a lot quicker,
leaving me more time with my honey.
HA!
Double "HA!" I say!
Apparently not.

"Where is she... where IS she...?"
I moved thru the crowd, and searched all the faces for my darling... but din't see her!
"Phooeyboo!"
"Did she get tired of waiting and go home...!?!"
<"sniffles!">

And then all of a sudden,
I felt something pressed tightly against my chest...
my sweetheart... Melody!!!
She just... "appeared",
out of nowhere... with her arms around me!
It was like a magic trick.

A few minutes later, we were entwined...
our lips were locked on the moving sidewalk in the airport.
And no matter how convincingly,
you couldn't prove to me for a second,
that I wasn't for that frozen moment in time...
floating on air!

[Melody has a scrumtiously delicious & talented set of lips & mouth that would make a Cirque du Soleil acrobat jealous!
'Scuze me a sec, while I just stop a minute and go dump my glass of ice water down my shorts just thinking about it...]

<"pitter-patter...pitter-patter...!">

My luggage didn't arrive until the next day, but who cared?
"Stuff... I don' neeed no steenkeeng STUFF...!"
I had ALL that I ever needed & wanted to survive for my stay there...
my sweetheart.

The rest of my visit went great, and she introduced me to what soon will be my new home.
Although we spent a lot of time in her bedroom trying to figure out new kamasutraesque techniques...
we DID manage to get out every now and then.
Taking walks just holding hands and pididdling thru the art district of OKlahoma City, "The Passeo", having dinner in little Mexican joints, and visiting the Oklahoma Bombing Memorial.
For this post 911 New Yorker...
it was a solemn and sympathetically moving experience.
But also very beautiful, tranquil and serene.

My trip to Oklahoma makes me want to break out in a few showtune choruses from the play...
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOk---lahoma, where the wind comes whippin' down the plain...!"

Having to leave her there and get on da plane...
well that was a completely different story.
A painfully quiet car ride back to the airport,
as the minutes counted down to my flight back.
It was damn near devastating to me, as I welled up,
and then beamed, got teary, and then smiled from ear to ear
again all during the flight home.
It still has me all discomblubberated.

I'm now constantly in pain.
My mind wanders,
I can't think straight,
my knees get weak,
I get a constant condition of butterflies in my stomach
whenever I merely picture her.
[Not to mention that "mah loins are boinin' for her".]
I have this constant craving that's creating an empty void,
one that nothing seems to fill... but her.

I looked the symptoms up for this illness on WebMD on the internet.
And the best that I can come up with is...

I've come down with a bad case of being madly in Love.

And nothing... not no medicine, not no prescription,
or over the counter remedy...
is ever gonna fix this problem.
Nothing short of having my lil schmoopie back in my arms.

So now, we spend all our hours on da phone longing for each other,
and planning out our future.

She works for her church, takes care of a garden for a wealthy woman, and is the manager of the custom framing dept. in a Hobby Lobby.

Walking thru the art district we noticed that amongst the galleries and shops...
there were NO custom framing stores.
And I also have been wanting & planning to get some of my own artwork & photos matted & framed to sell here at a local flea market.
And she and I both have TONS of ideas for other types of little artsy-craftsy pieces to sell.
So we are thinking about maybe getting a small business loan, and opening an art gallery/curio/framing shop in The Passeo artist's area in Oklahoma City.
We're spending time talking about how wonderful it is to be 48,
[we're the same age.]
and how working in our own place, growing old together,
and enjoying our life like the rest of the old Hippie/Bohemians weirdo couples there would be a dream come true.
Yeah... we're one of THEM couples.
Artistic, Bohemian, whacky, Magician, Moon Goddess, Pagan, Wiccan...
yep... Nutjobs.
A match made in Heaven!

But for right now... we're just waiting to simply BE together again.
That's our initial focus.
We figure maybe by Summer.

Which though only a few short months away...
seems like an eternity.

We're so much alike it's just crazy.
We like the same things and we share the same views socially, politically and spiritually.
We share the same memories as well because of our close past and age.
And we're even starting to trace our "roots" together to maybe an even earlier time.
Cuz as it turns out, we lived in the same neighborhood as little kids, shared the same mutual friend, and quite possibly played together.
And she could've been at some of my early birthday bashes that my mom would hold for all the neighborhood kids in her tavern.

And mainly... we also both have "toys in the attic",
and are quite nutz as well.

Melody is exactly what her name represents...
a song in my heart!

Not to sound cliche... but she really DOES complete me.
It may all sound like we're a couple of wackaloons,
and if so... so be it.
But this new phatty bom batty love affair with each other
has both of us all mooly-gooly-wanna & diggidy-swizzled.

She is my soulmate who is ever so amazingly into all the same crazy, weird, esoteric, eccletic, bizzare and sublime and spiritually uplifting things that I am into.
She also has Pagan, Wiccan, and Universalist Unitarian beliefs and she seems to have put some sort of a spell on me...
or did I cast one on her...?
Magic is Magick... and I'm not one to quibble with the natural & cosmic powers that be.
And faeries and wee people seem to maybe have been pushing us closer together and creating delightful mischief and love in our lives.
All I know is dat she is my Moon Goddess,
and has sent this Magician's heart soaring.
She has taught my very soul to levitate.
Pretty figgedyfarking NEAT trick... huh...!?!

Rediscovering Melody was like finding the Holy Grail...

Only... the adventure is JUST begining...!

"Target, Tickets and Birthdays..."

2007-02-10T11:42:00.000-05:00

Wow... keeping a blog, a website and a Myspace page updated
kinda gets a bit backlogged every now and then.
As usual, I started this entry on Thursday... and it's now Saturday.
So let's see, where to start and catch up...

Been working at Target for a bit now.
Not what I wanted, but for now... it's a job.
I work on the "POG Team". Which is an overnight team that sets up the signs, price tags, displays, and other components of the aisles, etc.
Hours can sometimes be a bit... bizarre.
I was originally hired to work 10pm to 6am.
But have been working from 4am to anywhere from 9:30 to 12:30pm.
Lately... 3am to 10am.

Target is certainly a strange place.
Kinda like working at a cross between Disneyworld...
and The Third Reich.
Everyone's just so GODDAMNED HAPPY!!!
"Fast, Fun & Friendly" is their motto.
They want you to practically accost people by running up and asking them...
"Can I help you find something?"...
with a huge shit eating grin.
All designed to suck dat last dollar outta the customer or "guest" as they call 'em.
They expect you to learn just about EVERYTHING about the store
and it's operations, how to do almost every job in the store
so you can rush to the register to ring up a "guest" should it be needed, etc.
They have morning "huddles' where they read off stuff from the main office, and give us reports on how much each department made for the week, proudly announce the new movies and CD's being sold,
and have a "recognition" session where everyone thanks
everyone else for being such fine & dandy co-workers and applauds.
"I'd like to recognize Joe for helping me stock 4000 pancake flippers!"
(which kinda turns into a "who can outdo the other match".)
Then at the end, when all is said and done... we all give a rousing "Team Clap On Three...!"

It's enough to make ya SICK.

All while attempting to rush & overwork you, paying you below average wages, and trying to fuck you out of as many hours as possible.
All with a frickin' friendly, warm and fuzzy big SMILE!

And what I wanna know is...
just who are these fucking people who show up at the store when it opens at 8am...?
I can see people in a rush on the way to work, etc.,
making a quick before work purchase...
But we got these "leisurely shoppers" at the buttcrack of da store opening, wanderin' around with a glazed look in there eyes like the Borg from Star Trek...
"Must consume...must consume...must consume..."
I don't think I've ever set foot in a frickin' department store before 12 noon in my life, let alone being the first Godamned one in da store...!

It gives me the "willies' sometimes I tell ya...

It's all based on some college boy business models that though may look good on paper...
just don't woik in da REAL world.
First of all... dis is DA SOUTH. Things are much SLOWER down here.
On paper it may SAY it should take 2 hrs. to unload a truck or stock some shelves...
but dat just ain't a happenin' round here!
They got every single task "timed" down to the letter on how long it SHOULD take according to them.
They have demerits if you don't take your lunch on time, and a bazillion other various rules, regulations, measurements,
ways of doing things, factoids, and other stoopid crap.

When we setup the shelving and displays, da "boys" at da main office must either create it there and assemble it themselves,
or just kinda "imagine it happening" verbally or something.
Then make something called a "plan-o-gram" or "POG" for us to follow.
Like a diagram/schematic/blueprint kinda thing.
Which most of the time... never works because of logistics, bad assembly and wear & tear on the displays and shelves or... "gondolas".
They have SO many abbreviations and a specialized lingo all their own that your also expected to know as soon as possible.
And even have a whole frickin' DICTIONARY in the back of the "Employee Handbook"!
It's a whole "system" way too involved to describe here.
A system kinda based on the old "Sam Walton/Wal-mart" model.
By making your employees feel all warm and fuzzy by calling them "Associates", "Team Members"... or "Family"...
all while trying to screw you out of a decent wage or GOOD set of benefits, and he always let his "Family" know just how exactly EXPENDABLE they were.

I call it... "TARGET NATION".

Because their ACTUAL "goal" is to be...
"The best department store on... the PLANET!"

<"TO TAKE OVER THE WHOLE WORLD'S DEPARTMENT STORE NEEDS! AND IN THE FUTURE... MAYBE EVEN...THE GALAXY'S!!!">

Kinda like some kooky inbred strain of offspring,
born of Stepford Wife Nazi's who mated with Scientologists.

Like I said tho, for now... IT'S A JOB.

But I DO actually like the work, get employee discounts,
and know when there's gonna be "clearance" before the public.
(I'm a clearance junkie... I just bought a great new pair of name brand sneakers for $4.79...woo-hoo!)
"Must consume...must consume...must consume..."

And I get the old employee discount on THAT as well.

The job IS kinda fun and interesting for now,
and the time fly's by quickly.
The hours are REALLY cool for me.
(most of the time, depending how much sleep I get.)
I get OFF work while most people are GOING to work,
and have pretty much the whole day for myself.
And it's literally like 8 minutes from my house.
I could practically fall outta bed and be there on time.

Well, almost...

The other day they switched our hours from going in at 4am...
to going in at 3am.
(Jeezuz... I now know what early morning TV news guys feel like...)
I went to sleep kinda late, but set my alarm for 2 am to wake up.
I heard the alarm, hit da snooze button,
found myself hitting it for a third time,
then decided..."Lemme get up...".
I checked my phone clock and realized...

IT WAS 3:04!!!

"DOY!!!"
I shoulda BEEN there already!

So I got dressed really fast without fixing lunch or COFFEE...
("GOD!")
and headed out the door.
I jumped in to the trusty 'ol "White Shadow", went down the road,
turned onto the road/highway that Target is on, then barreled up the hill till it leveled out and slowed down...
Only to find a COP parked there!

(Shades of "Smokey and The Bandit"...!!!)

I shot down the street at a now much reduced speed
and got about 2-3 blocks further before he decided to follow me.
Finally as I went to turn into Target's lot... he kicked on the lights, and pulled me over in the lot.
Long story even longer... I walked away with 2 tickets dat morning.
One for speeding, and the other for having an expired registration sticker.
I registered the car like the 2nd week in October when I bought it.
The yearly registration cycle starts on your birthday month here.
Mine is November. So I basically paid the whole fee to have my car registered for only a couple a weeks.

I could maybe moan about it all... but why bother...?

"Boss Hog" had me dead to rights, I shouldn'ta oughta been speeding.
(Did *I* just say that? Hangin' out down Soufh here too long...)
And I shoulda got my shit together after it expired.
We were actually grinning and laughing as he handed me my due.
Kinda like...
"Caugh ya!"
"Yeah I know... you DOG You...!"

And the CLINCHER is...
When I got to the employee parking spots, ALL of my co-workers...
including my boss were sitting in their parked cars watching it all!!!
Apparently there was no one there to let them all in at 3am...!
So we all had to sit there and wait till 4 o'clock till they opened the doors anyway!!!
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I was their "morning's entertainment", and when I went in the back stockroom to find a guy for some stuff, I said,
"Hi... you Adrian?
And he said...
"Yeah... your Eddie right? The guy who got pulled over this morning in the parking lot, huh? News travels fast around here son."

And so I now go by the nickname of "Speed Racer" at work.

So, for the next month... I'll be working for the state of Gee-OH-gia
to pay off my tickets.
And dat shiny new driving record I came down here with from Joisey...
now has a blemish on it for awhile.
(never had a speeding ticket or points on my license before.)
Oh well... wuddaya gonna do...yanno...?

The other BIG news around here are that we had a big birthday bash a week or so ago for my granddaughter Kadee.
It's was really actually her true birthday yesterday Feb.9th...
but her mom Kelly was sent over to the desert for the next couple a months...
so we had an early celebration.
We had a house full 'o people, with wall-to-wall babies and toddlers.
Kelly did a great job puttin git all together, and we even had a Chocolate fountain, with lil pieces of strawberries, banans, apples,
and poundcake cubes to dunk in the warm chocolate!
( I was a "regular" at da 'ol fountain thingy that day...)
Pix are on a link on my MySpace page. Click the link on the top left of this page to go to MySpace to find them.

So right now it's "Two Men and a Baby" around here.
We had the little monkey to the doctors tonite, cuz she started daycare while Kelly's away, and got some kinda "daycare/school bug" flu & ear infection.
I told DJ my son-in-law that one of us should wear a shirt when we go out together with the baby that says something to the effect of...
"NO... were NOT a gay couple! He's the Dad, and I'm da Pappy!"

Not that I truly care really... tho he may be a bit fomahobic...
I dunno.

All three of us miss Kelly terribly, and hope for a fast tour of duty over there, and can't wait to see her here home again safe.
Love & miss you baby!

Went on a Sunday "expedition" last weekend and ventured a little farther out to a town around here called Hawkinsville for a photoshoot.
Wow!
Looks like it hasn't changed since the 50's.
I wandered into the poorer, black section of town and was STUNNED at just how poor the conditions are there.
People literally livin' in SHACKS.
Makes the burnt out buildings of the old South Bronx
look like a condo village.
Woulda gotten outta the car to take a few shots, but didn't wanna be some insulting honky, takin' pictures of their plight.
It's a shame that in this country of such wealth and opportunity...
that people have to live in such conditions of poverty.
My heart goes out to them, poverty SUCKS...big time!
Been there, done dat myself... still ain't livin' large.
But despite seeing that, it was a nice day out alone by myself.
I enjoy taking solo trips into oblivion.

I also got an email from a great gal I met on the flight back from Vegas.
She has a jewelry business, and may be interested in having me do a website for her.
Cool!
A new project!

So basically datz about it for now.
I put up some new music on my MySpace jukebox for anyone who cares to enjoy 'em.
Just hit da lil arrows next to the spindles on the tape player
to advance to a new tune.
Got a few things to do around here, then I'm gettin' dressed,
jumpin' in "Da White Shadow", gassin' up...
and goin' out on another adventure to explore a bit more.

Happy Birthday Karen!
Love you!

R.I.P. Anna Nicole.
You were one whacky broad...
but you were also very easy on da eyes, fun to watch...
and a very LOST soul.
I KNOW the feeling.
Hope you somehow now find the love you were missing.

"On The Road Again..."

2006-12-20T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well, actually... just got back.
(photos at the end of this post.)
More about in a bit... let's catch up a little.

How've ya been my cheeky wee monkeys?
It's been awhile... again, since our last get together.
Since moving down here to da "Peach State", we got the new house in order after the move, the kids bought new living room furniture,
I got my license, and I also bought my very first car in like 20 something years!
A Dodge Shadow in unbelievable condition for what I paid for it!
Clean inside and out.
Only things wrong with it were no spare tire and a droopy ceiling fabric.
Both of which I fixed with a can of spray adhesive and a trip to the junkyard.
Been going out buying little do-dads for it like new floor mats, etc.
I LOVE my lil "hoopdee".
Been gettin' real comfortable with going from city boy to country bumpkin.
A bit slower paced down here... but it's cool.

Been traveling around a bit lately.
I just got back from Las Vegas a few days ago.
First we went to Nashville Tennessee to my son-in-law DJ's
family's house for Thanksgiving.
A humongously HUGE & beautiful house with 5 plus bedrooms and a shitload of land with creeks, lakes, and mountains behind it.
His dad even made a makeshift golf course on it.
Went out and hit/shot/putzed (?) a few after Thanksgiving dinner.
(wuddo I know about golf...?)
Had a great time there.
Met a lot of his family, who came in for the holiday.
So we had a real old time, big Thanksgiving and an early Christmas.
(we exchanged gifts around the Christmas tree early cuz we were all together.)

They live just outside of Nashville.
The countryside is just fantastic there!
Rocky forrested hills with cool mountain roads.
It was an interesting drive there.
Dunno why... but Tennessee sems to have LOT'S of fireworks stores.
Whole SUPERMARKETS... for ALL your incediary needs!

We also went into Nashville and to the Grand Ol Opry.
The Opry is actually a big complex now, with a large mall, hotels, etc. around it.
The whole family went to a holiday exhibit there called "Ice!"
It's a big refrigerated space where you put on parkas, and view amazing ice sculptures.
Pretty cool.
(oops... did I just say that...?)

And just recently, Kelly & DJ got special duty in Las Vegas.
So they asked me to come along to make it a family vacation,
and to help look after Kadee while they worked.
We were there for 10 days, and they worked for 4.
Nice job... huh?
We stayed on Nellis Air Force Base in a military apartment/housing thingy, surrounded by dessert mountains, with all sorts of cool stuff flying overhead!
It's home to the "Thunderbirds" show plane squadron, and a special exercise detail called "Red Flag", where different squads do simulated combat with each other.
I watched few dogfights & chases overhead while there.

Vegas was phenomenal!
No longer "Sin City"... it's now a resort with lots of stuff for the whole family.
Well... certain parts of it are still pretty sinful, should ya want that sorta thang.
[looking at da ceiling, whistling...]
Hey...! Wut happens in Vegas... well... yanno...

Most big casinos had luxurious & large shopping malls inside,
with everything form F.A.O. Schwartz toys to Armani couture.
Dancing fountains, and volcanos that erupt every hour on the hour,
bright lights and neon, MAGIC SHOWS EVERYWHERE...
I wuz in "hoggy heaven" as my buddy Morty says.

We took a ride out to Hoover Dam & Lake Mead and did the tour which was really cool.
And we also went to this resort some miles away from Vegas called Montelago Village on another man made, "Lake Las Vegas".
It's fairly new, and modeled after a lake town near Florence Italy.
A beautiful and pretty "ritzy" joint, with hotels, shops, casinos,
restaurants and golf courses.

But not being much of a gambler, and not rich enuff for the malls, etc... I enjoyed myself more on my solo excursions into the dessert.
I got a few great pictures of it, especially at sundown and at night.
It was like the sky caught fire, and then burned out into complete darkness.

My forays into the dessert were captivating.
I couldn't get over the amazingly hypnotic solitude of it!
It was like being on another planet!
I wanted to drive forever.
Ya can get to a place where there's only another car every 5-10 minutes or so.
Nothing around, no cell phone reception...
just you, da road, rocks like carved concrete, da mountains and sand.

"Cityboy" made da BIG mistake of going out one time...
and not caculating his gas gauge properly.
Mesmerized by the drive and not thinking about the 1/4 tank I had left, I kept going a bit further, till I realized...
"Shit... I may not make it BACK...!!!"
Thank God I DID.
Dat woulda been one HELL of a pain in the ass!

There were even a couple a families camping out there.
(and a few strange lookin' people hitchiking into the city from the dessert from whence, I know not... and don't really CARE to know...!)

One night, we stayed in and watched "The Hills Have Eyes" DVD on our laptop.
It was about mutant people living in the dessert after H-bomb testing in the 60's, who terrorize a stranded family in a camper broke down in the dessert.
It frightened the balls outta Kelly.
And truthfully... a few times I was out in the dessert at night alone...
I kinda got a little case of the "willies" meself!
The dessert is even weirder out there at night... lemme tell yaz!

So all in all... I've been having some AMAZING adventures since leaving Joisey.
The way things are startin' to shape up...
it looks like the New Year is gonna be the start of even more!

Click below for a gallery of pix of Nashville & Vegas.
Having to size them down for the gallery don't do them justice.
But you'll get the idea.

Holiday Vacation!

Well... datz about it for now kids.
Looking forward to see what 2007 brings!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

"Fortune Cookie..."

2006-09-22T21:54:00.000-05:00

Three weeks ago, when I ordered Chinese takeout the night before I left Joisey... that was in my fortune cookie.

Since my last blog entry, I am now officially... a redneck.
Tho I still think "ol Georgie Dubbaya" is a jerkoff,
and as useless as a bag of smashed assholes...
(GOD! I'm already talkin' like a redneck...!!!)

During the past 3 weeks, we've pretty much been settin' up shop around here at the new house. Lots of stuff to keep ya busy...
Hangin' pictures, putting away stuff, setting up computer networks, shopping, mowing, cleaning, planning, etc.
Kelly & DJ got themselves a gorgeous & big 'ol brand spanking new house.
I live in the "south wing".
The whole community here is new... and growing.
We're one of like 4-5 familes actually living on our street...
Timberwind Drive.
(sounds sorta "poetic"...don'tcha thank?)
The other houses on our street are still being built or still waiting for buyers.
Most of the rest of our lil suboyban lanscape filled up pretty fast.
And there's TONS more land off in the distance that'll prolly get turned into even more living communities. Kelly and I take sunset walks with the baby down brand new empty roads with open fields of land just setup and waiting for new houses to be built on 'em.
Apparently... it's booming around here from this and other areas I've seen so far.
You can even see it from the air...
new towns and communities being formed.
And it's friggin' CHEAP too!
What the kids pay for their monthly mortgage...
my ex-wife paid for a months rent in the last dump she lived in up north.
And rent is cheap too down here. Their last place had 2 br & 2 baths in a brand new condo-type house, with parking, a pool and a gym for $800 bucks.

It's sorta like the burbs around here, yet if you drive only like a 1/2 mile or so from here... there's fields, moo cows and barns 'n shit.
So it's kinda country-like too.
Go down another road, and ya got yer Walmart, Targets, Applebees, and T.G.I.F. type Joints. So it's rural, yet also modern and suburban.

And when I left Jersey it was already starting to get cold...
but down here it's still "hotter than two squirrels fuckin' in a wool sock".
(Jay-zuz... thar ah go agin...!)

While sitting at my desk, I often hear the sound of F-15's and other fighter planes, and look out the window to see them flying overhead enroute to Warner Robins Air Force Base about 10 minutes from here.
Every so often one will break the sound barrier and it scares da beejeezuz outta me.
<"Boom!">
But even tho I'm not actually a "military type" person...
it's kinda cool and comforting to know their around.
The AF base if figgedyfarking humongus!
Pretty impressive, I must say.
We go there regularly for family days, retirement things, to bring DJ lunch, or pickup Kelly and stuff.
Kelly works the day shift, and he works nights.
(I woik da "middle shift" watchin' lil Kadee.)

Since I'm down here, I already applied for a job right up the street.
It's a little shit job, just to have some bucks to contribute to the house, and get me thru till I can get up enuff cash for a set of wheels to find a better job.
Kelly & DJ's old neighbors have a Dodge Shadow that's supposedly in great shape waiting for me for dirt cheap.
And the kids said they'd help me out by going halfs on it.
That's the one thing around here compared to back up in the city...
"Ya needs ta hayuv a vee-hic-uhhhl".
And right this second, sitting in my wallet, in my steamy hot lil back pocket, I am thoroughly, and absolutely proud to say...
sits my very first LEGAL driver's license since 1984!!!
Now I'm an OFFICIAL Georgia redneck, able to drive his very own self down to da "Piggly-Wiggly" for sum chewin' tabackky and a snowcone!

(Da address is blacked out for obvious reasons. And the picture has glare on it cuz... well ya'll know wut dem damn "driver's license photos" look like!)

Back up north they gave me a shitload of problems trying to get one.
(see past blog entry about this.)
And they wanted me to wait like 6 to 8 weeks after my written test to take my road test! I got it all done down here in ONE day, and in around TWO HOURS!
"Faster than a bell clapper in a goose's ass"...
(Oh God... somebody please stop me wit da frickin' Suthunisms...!)

I took the tests and aced them, and then they issued me the actual valid Georgia State driver's license like 5 minutes later.
(This wuz all with literally 10 minutes worth of actual driving practice, after not being behind a wheel for 5 yrs. or more!)
But I just gotta say... my hat's off to da Georgia DMV.
This is a very proud day for me, and I'm just plain old tickled about it for a million reasons too long to go into here.
It's something that for whatever reason...
I just haven't gotten around to doing for over 20 yrs.
"Maximum procrastination" I guess you'd call it.

I also now get to spend lots of time wit me lil buggerbear grandmonkey Kadee now.
She's the sweetest, prettiest kid in da whole woild...
and I ain't just sayin' dat cuz she's my granddaughter.

Anywayz, datz about it fer now ya'll.
I'ma fixin' to blow outta here and drive myself down to da Walmart for that thar special deal on O-fishee-all Nascar Monkey Lube and sum mo' beef jerky.
(They actually trust me wit da brand new family SUV! Gotta love my family... wut a bunch of eeediots! Just kiddin'!!! I'd be nowhere without them, and I still can't say enuff about my son-in-law. He's my hero, and someone I wanna be when I grow up.)

After my ride... I'ma go out yonder in the garage 'n fix sumthin'.
'Round these parts, ya only need but two tools...
WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40...
If it moves and shouldn't, use duck tape.

The past year or so, my life and luck kinda went into the toilet for a spell...
but now, it seems like my fortune is finally a changin' for the better.
And I can't wait to see what's around the bend and down the road apiece...

I'll leave ya'll with the contents of a letter that I found in our mailbox on tuesday, that the postman musta delivered here by mistake...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Ralphy Joe,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though... last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week...
the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning...
but I haven't found out if you are an aunt or uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother...

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly and drowned.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ya'll come back now...hear?

"More Soap..."

2006-08-27T20:34:00.000-05:00

Did the trip down to our state capitol Thursday to get the documents I needed.
It was kind of a long haul just to get new birth certs, but what can ya do…?
While there, I also decided to get two copies just in case.
Also my daughter Kelly told me that when she went for her license down in Georgia, they wanted a letter from New Jersey's DMV stating that she had no outstanding violations and was in good standing, etc.
So I decided to go next door to the state office of the DMV, and get an abstract of my driving record just in case.
I’m happy to say that I’m in good standing wit da bastards.

But when all was said and done, I can’t help but wonder…

1. Why a person with whom the New Jersey DMV now claims had “no record of ever having a driver’s license” was hounded for fines over the past years till I paid them.

2. How an abstract of such a “non-existent” record could be printed out then.

3. And mostly, why Jersey City’s DMV told me that they couldn’t accept my birth certificate as I.D. cuz it had a small piece of clear tape on it. Yet when asked for I.D. at the main DMV office in Trenton, I presented them with the very same cert…
they had absolutely no problem with it and accepted it!

Go figure.

But, it was an interesting trip anyhoo, and although Trenton is pretty boring for the most part, I did enjoy walking around and looking at the old architecture.
Wish I woulda took me camera.

My cousin from Florida is up here in Jersey, and her and her husband took me out to dinner lat night.
It was really good to see them, and I had a good time.
I took a trip into N.Y.C. last night, and had a fantastic time alone by myself walking around exploring, etc.
I also saw the movie “The Illusionist”, and I recommend it highly.
(Not just cuz I’m a magician… but because it’s an amazingly great movie.)
It’s probably gonna be the last time I’ll be in the city till sometime in some future trip back up here. If all goes as planned, I’ll hopefully be leaving this coming weekend.
Next to friends and family, it’ll be one of the things I’ll miss about being up here the most.

[What follows next is really just a reiteration & rehash of earlier posts that I feel a need to state again, mainly just for myself. It’s a continuation of an old soap opera, and hopefully a final entry on the subject. So it would prolly be a good idea to go surfing for funny online videos or midget porno sites or something about now. Cuz the rest of this post will be extremely boring to most.]

So when I got home the other night, I wanted to go online to check my mail etc., and called my daughter’s friend with a PC who lives down the block. To my surprise, my daughter answered the phone. She was there futzin’ around on the net too.
When I got there, my daughter (who’s a MySpace addict that checks out everyone’s websites that she knows) told me that my ex-girlfriend had some pretty nasty things on her MySpace page to say about me.
Amazing, how I don’t hear diddley-squat from her in a year after her screwing me over, but at the first mention of my (not having a new girlfriend) but simply having a new female friend…
she decides to crawl out of the woodwork and publicly talk trash about me.
And this is after she rips my heart out and leaves me to bleed.

Yanno… I originally started a “blog” website just cuz I got photo software that had a built-in tool to create one… and I figured wut da Hell… lemme check this out.
Later on when things got really crappier in my life, it provided sort of a theraputic outlet to vent my emotions.
I went thru one of the worst times of my life last year.

When I discovered my ex had been cheating on me and we broke up,
being yet another chapter in my life… I had included it here.
Naturally I was hurt, angry, and most of all…
wishing that it never happened.
It was at a time when my mom was first diagnosed to be dying of cancer, I was going thru a heavy duty drug treatment for my illness, and my world was crumbling around me.
But I was never purposefully malicious in this blog.
I never lied about anything, or blew anything way out of proportion.

And though I wrote down some of my anger at the huge slap in the face that the person who was supposedly the “love of my life” had given me…
more than anything else I also wrote down a bunch of well wishing, heartfelt goodbyes and gratitude for the 7 yrs. with her.
(including love songs of goodbye.)
But apparently, she only read the bad parts of my blog entries…
not any of the good.

So when I read my ex’s MySpace page tonight, it brought back feelings that were just starting to vanish.
A LOT of stuff has happened to me since we parted…
internally and externally.
Admittedly at first reading, it hurt all over again.
Not from the standpoint of still being in love with her…
but from a standpoint of all the feelings of hurt and betrayal coming back.
If someone you love, continually acts as if there’s nothing wrong,
continually tells you they’re madly in love with you,
then kicks you in the guts while you least expect it,
and then leaves when you most vulnerable …
it really sucks.
A year later, the love may go away after while and you gain acceptance of things…
but the pain, hurt and tender scars take a bit longer.
My feelings now are mainly coming from the side that we did have seven great years together, and so it hurts to now hear her talking such crap about me.
I allowed myself to be completely naked with her in terms of thoughts, feelings, and emotions etc.
We shared years of incredible moments of joy.

After all was said & done, in my mind I kinda wanted to somehow remain friends, and I even would include her in my email list that lets friends and family know about my blog updates.
And I enjoyed discovering that she had now her own website.
After reading it was actually happy for her, that she was apparently growing and achieving some of her goals.
No matter what kind of water has passed under the bridge, this was a person that I truly did care about. And always will to some degree.
(I don’t wanna go into a duet here with Julio Iglesias and break into a chorus of “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before”…
but ya kinda get the drift.)

After a year’s worth of reinspection, introspection and retrospection,
I can finally see the forrest for the trees.
My old N.A. sponsor & mentor who passed away had warned me early on in my relationship about my ex’s erratic “stories” and behavior.
He told me that things she stated early on in our relationship just didn’t add up.
And he had tried to point out to me that she exhibited signs of certain personality disorders, but I just wouldn’t have any part of it.
Love is blind I guess.
So I argued with him, stating that he had no right to judge her, and wasn’t a “professional”.
This was a man who was a licensed counselor working in a hospital for years.
A man who advised doctors & psychiatrists on various matters and had a Master’s Degree in addiction, alcoholism, co-dependency & psychology.

After the shit hit the fan for me last year, and I sought therapy to get me through the wall of fire that I found myself walking thru…
and I was totally honest in my descriptions of what transpired between my ex-girlfriend and me.
And I talked about not only her part in our relationship,
but my own true part in it.
I somehow thought that I was all my fault, and that I had done some really awful thing to make her leave me.
I was amazed then, when she pulled a psychology textbook down from her wall, and opened it up to something called...
“Borderline Personality Disorder”.
The only thing missing next to the definition was a picture of my ex.
It truthfully explained a lot of things to me.
And it enlightened me as to why she was so co-dependant, acted so immature at times while so grown-up at others,
and had trouble being honest with others…
and mainly herself.
I now realized why people like her with such disorders put people up on a pedestal,
then turn around out of the blue and pull the rug out from them…
making them now their enemy and point of blame and hate.
Something she exhibited with her father…
her “hero” one minute… and enemy the next.
It’s one of the distinct traits of her problem.

Not that I’m any bag of donuts myself.
(Well… I actually was a bit of a bag of donuts awhile ago...
but lost a lot of weight.)
I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic,
with my own areas of co-dependency myself.
But with 10 plus years in recovery, therapy, and self-exploration…
I have come leaps and bounds from where I was years ago.
Self discovery and personal growth is a wonderful thing, once you’re finally honest with yourself and allow it to happen.
And I have been thru all sorts of trials and tribulations, only to bounce back with shining resiliency. I’ve been thru some experiences that seemingly “stronger men” would have crumbled under.
In short, I have my own crosses and baggage that I carry.
But I’ve learned to forgive and forget.
I’ve found out how to learn from my experience and move on.
Like they say, “If it doesn’t kill ya… it only makes you stronger.”

Truthfully when I first read her blog my initial response was to attack back… to post a point by point rebuttal.
But yanno wut…?
It really wouldn’t matter.
I had wondered what in the world she could have possibly told her friends & family as to why we split up all of a sudden.
Now I have some more insight into that.
She can lie about, exaggerate, and manipulate the truth in any manner that she wants…
and have everyone in her world believing it.
But it doesn’t matter anymore, because I left her world awhile back,
and I moved on.
And she can wholeheartedly believe all of her crap herself in an attempt to turn everything around to justify acting childish, irresponsible and cruel, to feel better about herself,
and to have some excuse to tell friends, family and her new "lover" to explain what happened between us.
And I also know her friends & family probably will never read my blog,
or ever hear my side of the story.

But all that matters is… I was there.
I don’t have to “prove” anything to anyone.
I know exactly what happened between us.
I know her part and my part in the reason our relationship ended.
And one blessing and curse about me is that while I can sometimes put on blinders for a short amount of time, and fool myself into a lot of things… I am ultimately my own worst critic, hardest on myself,
yet also amazingly honest with myself.

I have a conscience.

And I know that given all of the circumstances, while with some things I could’ve maybe tried a bit harder in some areas at times…
I’m not guilty of doing anything willfully or intentionally wrong in my last relationship other than going thru a very rough patch in my life.
People can have a many external problems during a relationship that temporarily prevent them from reaching their mutual goals as quickly as they’d like.
Life happens.

Life… is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.

So trying to go “tit for tat” here in an attempt to somehow defend myself against what she wrote about me would be fruitless and only turn a painful situation that’s finally getting better…
even uglier again.
I keep restraining my own first instincts to try to re-argue the points in which broke us apart, and to try to print some kind of scorecard to show who did what, exactly and how.
But I know what happened between us… and that’s all that matters.
I am powerless against what she thinks, or what she tells her friends & family.
And more importantly… I don’t have to participate in her world anymore.
Nor do I want to anymore.
Like Walter taught me years ago…

“Other’s thoughts and opinions about you are none of your business…”

That’s for them to deal with.
The only person's opinion of me that ultimately really counts…
is my own.

And holding a resentment against someone is like me taking poison…
and then expecting the other person to die.

Unfortunately some people are a little too immature, a bit too spoiled, and don’t have enough experience in the real world to realize and understand any of that.
But that too is something that I am powerless to change.
I can only pray for the wisdom to change the things in which I am able to in my world… like myself.

So to close…
I’d like to make a public apology for anything that I may have unintentionally done wrong to hurt my ex in our 7 years together.
And to also say… thank you for those 7 wonderful years.
Really.
I really enjoyed our time together,
I really did love her during that time,
and I still care for her well-being now.
I’ve also learned from it all as well.
I’m sorry if as she now states in her latest blog entry…
“I was never really in love with you.”

But if that in fact was really actually true, then she certainly fooled me.
If that truly was the case, then she apparently must have been lying to herself,
and created and caught herself in her own self-imposed trap…
one in which she gnawed my leg off to escape from.

But that was then, and this is now as they say.
I truly do wish her and her new love good health, luck and happiness.

It’s also time for me to do some housecleaning around my websites and this blog.
I’m actually running out of space in some areas, and need to take down some old sad songs posted, and eventually put up newer happier ones.
Stuff that reflects more of my present day moods.

I’d like to reprint a poem I posted for her awhile back.
And just hope that she actually reads it this time.
I hope that someday she will come to realize, that no matter how "wonderful" your partner is...
they don't give you a life...
you create your own for yourself
And I pray that somehow the true sentiment of the poem finally sinks in, and that she realizes that it’s not an attack or a criticism,
but merely a loving wish for her…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

© 1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Again... goodbye my love.
And hopefully… once and for all,
I don't have to go here again.
To paraphrase what Forrest Gump once said,
“That’s about all that I will say on that subject…”

I have newer, exciting horizons for me just around the corner.
By this time next week, I should be a residentially transplanted official redneck.
(I’m not exactly sure if going from white trash to a redneck is a promotion or a demotion, but I’ll be sure to let all you kids know about it here.)

But for now... I'm over dat soap opera.
And as always, I’m still happily dancing my way thru life,
waiting for the next adventure to start...

"Escape From Noo Frickin' Joisey..."

2006-08-23T17:09:00.000-05:00

Seems like I've been tryin' to get outta here for awhile now...

Went to the NJ DMV yesterday.
They got this new "6 Point I.D. System" now, where like a Chinese restaurant...
you gotta have "one from column A, two from column B, one from column C" type documents to add up to 6 points for your proper identification.
Not having a passport or military I.D.'s, etc.,
it kinda left it up to just my birth certificate , marrige license,
and a few other assorted odds & ends.
And all your stuff has be original copies, and not from hospitals, churches, etc... only state stuff is accepted.

Can you say... Nazi's boys and girls?
Gotta love dem dere whacky terrorists...
Makin' dis joint a really fun place to live lately... huh...?
But I digress...

Thank God stuff wuz on da up & up...
but I had it covered!
(or so I thought...)

So I got down dere to da DMV, proper papers in hand...
and upon presenting them to the girl, was told...
"Oh... this birth certificate has tape on it. We need original copies."

I said, "Ya can't get anymore "original" then dat...
it's forty-eight yrs. old... it's da one they handed me mum!"

She said, "Yeah... but it has tape on it."

"Datz cuz it's old sweetheart...
and that "tape" iz prolly older than you." I exclaimed.

"Well, I'm gonna have to check with my supervisor on this sir..."

So after a coupla minutes, she came back and told me...
"I'm sorry sir, but we can't accept this due to the tape.
and the tape also goes across the middle of the document sir..."

I said, "Yeah... but da "tape" iz CLEAR...!!!"

So she then proceeded to tell me how there are new laws concerning "tape" and other such nonsense, and how here in "wonderful Joisey City"... there was a rash of illegal, fraudulent birth certs given out. And so their Vital Statistics Dept. was shut down.
So I would have to write the state capitol Trenton to apply for a new one.
I asked how long it would take for me to recieve one, and she said...
"Oh... shouldn't take more than 6 to 8 weeks..."

I flipped out.

Everywhere else in da damn county you go downtown to city hall, and get one there.
But because of some freakin' corrupt jackasses in this town...
we gotta suffer.
I told her I couldn't wait that long, and so she said I could go to Trenton in person, and get one the same day.

So I asked, "Suppose I get da cert, come back here to apply for my license...
THEN how long would that take...?"

She said due to the fact that my license was suspended over 15+ yrs. ago...
I hadda redo my tests, etc.
She also said they had NO record of me ever having a driver's license in the past.

I said...
"If they didn't have any record of me ever having a license...
then why for the past 15+ yrs. did they keep sending me a fine for a "suspended one"?
What was suspended then?
Wut da figgeddyfarkinfook wuz da FINE for then...?
Did I just plop down a large amount of bucks a coupla weeks ago to payoff a non-existant one...???"

It just makes NOOOOO frickin' sense.
All a bunch of beaurocratic, terroristically fear-based, assinign & idiotic happy horseshit!
But again, I digress...

So continuing on with my original question of exactly how long the whole license obtaining adventure would take...
she told me that because I'm a considered a "new driver",
upon applying and recieving a permit, taking and passing my written test, they would then schedule me for a road test somewhere in da neighborhood of...
THREE FUCKING MONTHS FROM NOW...!!!

I should of originally taken the advice of my cousin Jimmy, an esteemed & retired NY/NJ Port Authority Police Lieutenant now living in Florida, who now loathes New Jersey had told me...
"Fuck Jersey... just go south, tell 'em ya never had a license...
and apply for one down there!"
(I'm a sometimes slow & dumb Pollock Jim... no matter how I try not to be...
Forgive me. I've always respected your advice and knowledge in da past. You, a cop... taught me how to pick handcuffs years ago when I wuz a young magician.
Wutta guy! A dood after me own heart from da start!
But now, I'm gonna take yer advice.)

So I'm gonna take a train ride down to good 'ol Trenton tommorrow, get me schtuff, come back, buy some cheap luggage... and pack.

Hopefully if all goes right, by this time next week...
I'll be in da Land 'O Cotton...
sippin' non-alcoholic mint julips, eatin' peanuts,
helpin' my daughter and her hubby move into their brand-newly built house, and playin' wit me grand monkey Kadee.

(if not... just shoot me...!!!)

I just hope dat after I arrive, da "Cotton Cops" down dere don't catch up wit me for pickin' dat piece of cotton...)

[see a past post back in October, "Just An Old Sweet Song..." about gettin' yelled at by Kelly whilst pickin' a piece 'o cotton by a lonely roadside]

So here I go...

"Mission Impossible"...

"Escape From Joisey!"

<"dump-dump... dump-dump, dump-dump... dump dump...">

"A Curveball..."

2006-08-21T20:38:00.000-05:00

Hello again my cheeky wee monkeys...!
Long time no see.
This is my first foray at doing my blog from an internet cafe computer.
Weirdly foreign to say the least.
Well, turns out I haven't left for da south yet.
Bunch of crap that slowed me down...
waiting for insurances checks, doctor appointments, paying off my driver's license fines, and a bunch of other red tape to clear.
My biggest obstacle has been my own slow assed way of doing things.
(I can be da "King of Procrastination"!)
So basically it looks like I'll be up here for a couple more weeks till I pass my driving tests, etc.

But all in all, things have for the most part been... OK.

I lost over 70 lbs. the past months, and am down to a nice fightin' weight of around 170 lbs..
I got a chance to go to da beach.
(Still peeling...)
Got a cellphone thanks to my daughter's friend Misty.
Went up and stayed with my best friend Morty for a few days.
He drove me to a regional DMV up by him to pay off my license and it was fun staying with him.
We bullshitted, caught up with stuff, went to meetings, and he presented me with a beautiful, special color glazed 10 yr. NA cleantime coin.
I'll treasure it forever.
And I also seem to have become Stephie's personal "Mr. Belvedere"...
cleaning, cooking, shopping etc.
But dat comes wit da territory, and ya never stop of being dad I guess.
When I visited Kelly in Ga. last year I did the same thing.
Guess I'm an obcessive/compulsive neat freak.
Gonna make someone a lovely wife one day.
And it's good spending time with Stephie, even though we sometimes bitch and moan at each other.

And just when I started getting used to things calming down and kinda getting quietly lonely and still again... life threw me...
"a curveball".

A few weeks back, I started recieving email from a girl in Maryland.
She found me thru a Hep C messageboard, and then linked to my websites, and to this blog.
She said she was intrigued by my sites, and loved this blog.
It was the first blog that she had ever read, though she admittedly felt as though she was some sort of "voyuer" looking into my life.
But said she was nevertheless tempted to go on reading.
I told her that this was my own weird kinda
"creative outlet/theraputic life journal", and that I posted it for everyone to read should they stumble upon it.
My life is an open book, and I'm not ashamed of anything.
Nor am I too shy to speak about it either most times.
We started emailing each other back and forth over the next weeks, and became thick as thieves.
The two of us have a ton in common, and for reasons that escapes dis "Joisey Boy"...
she said she was somehow was kinda "inspired" by the way I write.
Go figure.
(To ME... I'm about as "inspiring" as a fart in a hurricane. But I'm glad somebody reads dis hoopla that I write, and enjoys it.)

So even though it sounded like a crazy & impulsive thing to do, because I'm moving down south soon and she will be going thru all sorts of stuff come September... she decided...
she just hadda meet me.
Last week, she asked me if I wouldn't mind her driving up to hang out for the day.
Wow! A more than 4 hr. drive up from Maryland just to meet my monkey ass!
Kids, I can tell ya... I was more than flattered, and was even more than excited to meet my new friend!
I couldn't use anymore exclamation marks in dis here blog entry to show just how thrilled I was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
( I think I just broke da exclamation key...)
So I guess in a way, you could say she's my first "website/blog groupie"... (?)
(I always knew something good would come outta spending so much time in cyberspace!)

So Saturday she came up, and met "in poyson" for the first time.
I had seen pictures of her over the past week via email,
but when she got out of the car... all I could think of was ...
Wow!
<"gulp!">
And though she wears these light to dark lenses in her glasses, her eyes are stunning.
But I felt like some "Loungechair Lothairio" constantly commenting about them.
Like any minute she was gonna say, "Cut da corny cliche crap, willya?"
But they really do have an amazing glowing effect to them.
Almost neon at times.
We spent the whole day together in the city.
We covered everywhere from lunch in Chinatown & Little Italy, to lying in the grass talking for hours in Central Park, and then finally strolling down Broadway to Times Square, and back home to my place.
We hit it off amazingly, and really got to know each other more.
Ya know your really comfortable with someone, when you find yourself in each other's arms talking all night...
and she's peeling your sunburnt skin...
and your letting her!
(Flaky 'ol me...)
I felt really bad cuz I had walked her pretty lil butt off, and then she had the long drive home.
But after all was said and done, we got some power naps the next day...
and now both have gained a good friend.
I'm coming out a an extremely long funk.
And she will be going thru her own personal wall of fire over the next few months.
But I know that she'll get thru with flying colors.
We seem to give each other strength and inspiration.
(I certainly know that she does for me.)

I tell her she's like one 'o dem dere "Amazon Wimmenz".
(an inside joke between us for reasons of which I'll keep private.)
She's certainly hit me in the ass with one of her arrows,
I'll tell ya dat much...

Ol' Morty predicted this a while back when I was pitchin' a bitch about being lonely with no one to talk to or play with.
He said, "Watch... at the eleventh hour just before you go down to Georgia, your gonna meet someone. And it's gonna throw ya for a loop."
Well... he was right. I got hit with a "curveball"... right between da eyes.
Anyhoo... my dime just ran out here at da Internet Cafe...
I don't know where this will go down the road, but one thing I DO know...
I now have a wonderful new friend, an ear to listen to me, a shoulder to lean on,
and an "Amazon" to watch over me...

"A New Beginning..."

2006-06-04T00:07:00.000-05:00

Last night in this old house.
Been here for the better part of twenty years I guess.
Ya accumulate a lot of memories.
Now it's near bare & empty.
Truck is coming tomorrow to move the stuff up to Stephie's, and the cable, phone, and internet get turned off Monday.
If the past year wasn't hard enough...
the past two weeks were a true test on me.
Mom's passing, funeral arrangements, house packing & sifting thru years of possessions, keeping only the most important...
trashing stuff ya really don't want to.

Mom's memorial service was humble & small, but all the people that really mattered showed up. A day or so later, we took a trip down the Jersey shore to a place called Keansburg to spread her ashes like she wanted.
The night before it was morbidly comical as I sifted some of her remains into three tiny little Chinese vases for me and the girls to save as keepsakes.
Mom was all over the table, all over me, and even the cat was dancing in her ashes.
Something that might be gross to others... but that me and especially mom would find hysterical.

But a couple of days later after Mom's wake, I got a message from a buddy's brother saying to call him... it was "important".

My best friend Greg Guarinello dropped dead out of the blue.

I had talked to him the day Mom died after not speaking to him for a few weeks.
He had said he was having trouble breathing, and went for tests for his heart, but they came back negative.
But since he was a large guy, they hadda do some more.
He said he was taking it day to day, and possibly wouldn't attend Mom's wake.
Apparently while his wife was at work, he couldn't breath, called 911, and by the time they got there and broke down the door...
he was gone.
He was 53 years old.

We were "thick as thieves" and he was my buddy, confidant, graphics buddy, photography teacher, he shared my sense of humor... and we were gonna devise a business scheme gimmick to become rich together.

I'll miss him terribly...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So the main thing keeping my sanity has been keeping busy lately.
Always one more thing to pack or throw out...
one more thing to add to an ever growing list of "Things To Do".
But I won't be leaving just yet.
Gonna stay till July to get my final affairs in order.
Gotta go for a few more doctor visits to get my clean bill of health, pay all the final bills, get my driver's license finally after a 20 year lapse, get my kitty Spooky settled in her new home, and make travel arrangements.
(Spooky was a real worry, but thank God my daughter's friend Misty is gonna take her.)
Thru all of the pandemonium... I thought I was gonna lose it a few times, and it seemed like a lot of things were gonna be near impossible to get done.
But I have a new sense of awe at just how wonderful the few friends and family that I have really are.
And I found out for sure, that you can muster up an great deal of strength during times of crisis when needed, and if I just get out of my own way and let it go and leave it up to God... things have an amazingly "magical" way of coming together.

It's gonna be scary to say the least starting fresh at 47 years old.
And it's gonna be culture shock for this Joisey tawkin' city boy movin' down to da land 'o cotton... Georgia.
But it's also kinda exciting, and the thought of it all keeps me going.
My daughter tells me the new house will be ready by summer, I have a vehicle waiting for me, and they just got me a queen sized bed.
They can help me get a civilian job on the air force base or elsewhere if I decide, include me on their military health insurance and I'll get to be with my new lil grandmonkey all the time.

Things are really cheap rentwise down there, and what goes for luxury condos up here renting for $2500. a month... they pay $800. bucks rent for down there...
a huge 2 BR, 2 bath place with new appliances, a pool, parking, gym, and gameroom.

Soon I'll be working and get my own little crib going down there for myself.
And the oppourtunities abound.
The graphics and web design market is kinda saturated up here, but down there not so much. And just the webpage design & photo restoration side businesses I have in mind alone can generate extra income.
I'm sure some rednecks will pay a a good buck for their old photos of Granny May Clampet to be restored, and to go hah tehhk wiff they vary owwwn webb saht.
(Sorry... just bein' a low down, no good, Noo Frickin' Yawk Yankee asshole there... southerners are actually kinda OK.)
But seriously... I think there's some possibilities there.

And truthfully, I'm getting to an age where after a day's work all I need is a fridge with some food, cable TV, and an internet connection.
With the help of God, I just may find me a little southern belle down thar.
And I love to drive, so when I need my "hustle & bustle, city & people fix"... I can always do a short roadtrip into Macon, Atlanta, or even Savannah.
Friends and family in Florida aren't too far either.
Though it's a bit on the hot side in summer, air conditioning suits me fine, and I really won't miss the snow a hell of a lot.
I can do Christmas visits in Joisey to see Stephie & friends, the snow and the Rockefeller Center tree, etc.

Anyhoo... I'm ramblin' on...
like da fine 'ol suthun' ramblin' man I'm about to become.

Time too reminisce a bit, take a last look around at what has always been home to me, spend one last night in this old house...
then I hit da road Jack.
I'm goin' "bye-byes"... big time.

Through all the pain of the past year,
the future is finally looking brighter.
Wish me luck...

"Things Change..."

2006-05-24T13:06:00.000-05:00

Sitting here with a half a gazillion things to do,
yet I'm silent and motionless...
collecting myself to get ready for later on tonight.

Last Friday, May 19th...
Mom lost her battle with cancer and passed away.
They gave her 3 to 6 months to live, but she held out for 10.
Long enough to see her new great granddaughter, little Kadee.
Being a fatherless, only child... it was always just me and mom.
Next to my kids, Mom was the most important person in my life.
Words can not describe or measure the almost unbearable feelings of loss & pain in which I have, and I find it difficult to write this.

The only thing keeping me going, is by just constantly moving & doing... and knowing she's finally no longer in pain and suffering.
Finally at peace.

It's been a crazy week since... too busy to even think...
making funeral arrangements, phone calls, packing & cleaning.
You accumulate a lot of stuff over time.
Every closet, drawer, and niche is a pocket of unlimited junk.
Boiling it all down to what's an absolute necessity to keep is extremely hard.

Mom's condition worsened rapidly over the past months, and her pain was unbearable.
Getting something done about it was a feat in itself.
Her doctor is great, but was very wishy-washy about giving out heavy narcotics.
Concerned about her getting other complications that truthfully were trivial in my mom's condition... I just said "Look, my mom is dying, and in excruciating pain... just make her comfortable."
So the doc put her on morphine.
And it worked like a charm... for a short time.
But after awhile the effects wore off, and she needed more.
A LOT more.
As an ex-druggie who just celebrated 10 years being clean & sober,
I knew what was going on with the drugs, and that she was building up a tolerance to them.
Finally, when they no longer were working...
I called for Home Hospice Care to come in and help me.
They came in last Thursday, and it was looking like there would be some relief in sight, and some help to make mom at least feel a bit better.
We upped her dosages of pain meds, and she went into a quiet "dope nod" after awhile.
Later that evening, she started to moan, and toss & turn in her chair.
I talked to her, and asked what was the matter.
With glazed staring eyes, her arm was trembling tight against her body with a tight clenched up fist, she said... "I'm having a stroke".

On home hospice, they want you to call them instead of 911.
So I called the emergency number.
The exchange said they would have a nurse get back to me.
When she did, she said that what was happening was par for the course with them upping her meds...
and that she might be like that for a few days.
So I let it go for a bit.
But she started moaning again later, and with slurred speech, tried to say...
"Help me."
I can just say, that I can think of no other situation in life to make you feel so helplessly powerless as that.
I called them back, but they assured me that I should let it go till the morning, to see what happens. So I sat with mom throughout the rest of the night, petting her head as she slipped into a deep sleep.
The next morning they called to inform me that the hospice nurse would start on Monday.
But I told them, "Ya better come in today, I think mom slipped into a coma."

When the nurse came, we struggled, but managed to move her to her bed, and get her more comfortable.
We cleaned her up, gave her some meds, and then started to plan for the weekend coming, and to schedule an aid to come in.
But in the course of things, the nurse had casually glanced down for a second,
and in a soft voice said...
"She's passed."

In just a tiny small moment... she was gone.
I guess she finally got to her bed, felt a bit more comfortable, figured she had enough pain & fighting the cancer...
and decided it was time to go.
Finally out of all the pain...
peacefully a rest.

And my life will take a drastic & radical change now that she's gone.
The main one being, after a warm invitation from my daughter & her husband...
I've decided to move to Georgia with them, and start a new life.
They have a huge 2 bedroom apartment already, but are having an even bigger house built which will be ready by the summer.
Things are cheaper there rentwise, and the opportunities and possibilities which have presented themselves seem very encouraging.

The 48 week medical treatment for Hepatitis C that I've been on is winding down, and with only 2 more weeks to go...
my viral load has been at a constant zero.
So it looks like I beat it for now.
I have no other ties up here except for my daughter Stephie who can fly down every few months or vice versa for a visit.

Besides being too busy to even stop and think, the more I think about it, the more it's the only thing that's giving me a tiny bit of hope & relief from the deep empty
feeling from mom's passing.
So it's a fresh new start for me.

Anyhoo...I gotta get my act together here...
I got a wake to go to in a few hours.
Time to say goodbye.

Mom was always "Home" to me.
No matter what ever happened in my life, I always knew there was a place to go for love and comfort, for a home cooked meal and a bed to rest my head.
She was always a shelter and sanctuary,
somewhere safe and full of love.
Now I find, even at 47... I somehow feel like an orphan...
and I have no more "home".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Remembering ~
by Elizabeth Dent.

Go ahead and mention my loved one,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending they didn't exist,
I'd rather you mention my loved one
Knowing that they have been missed.

You asked me how I was doing
I say "pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

"The Tale Of Louie Da Lip..."

2006-03-18T13:40:00.001-05:00

OK...so this here blog thang is 'sposed ta be a daily thang, but lately it seems, I've only managed to keep it up about once a month.
Sue me!
(as if anyone was actually reading it anyhoo...)
I'll try to keep it up a bit more often.
I kinda originally made this thing with original photo tie-ins, but haven't been out taking pix all winter.
Now that the weather is getting warmer...
I'll be out for some more photoshoots.

Been kinda busy lately running around to doctors for me and my mom, etc.
She just did another 2 1/2 week stint in da joint...
St. Mary's Hospital.
She kinda getting worse...but still hangin' on like da stubborn old Pollock champ that she is, but came home with more meds, more problems.

As for me...
well it's been a 2 month long, absolute nightmare as far as my "lip cancer".
Two months ago I was told after a biopsy of a lip lesion by my dermatologist to,
"Go to the Cancer Institute of New Jersey...
looks like you might have cancer."
And after weeks of train rides down to the place, and poking & prodding, running around to plastic surgeons and wutnut...
I found out that my insurance didn't cover all the costs, and so then the plastic surgeon looked like he was gonna bail out,
which in turn would make the cancer guy bail out.
So more calls and running around trying to figure out how to get it all paid for thru charity care, etc.
I even went to the Cancer Society of America's website, and looked on their forums for some possible charitable help.
I mean... this is America... we couldn't possibly let our own go sick without SOMEBODY reaching out to help...right...???
I went to their finacial section and read like 400 message threads concerning financial help. I quickly found out that if you have cancer or any other major disease in this country, and you aren't covered by the "proper" medical insurance...
or you ain't rich...
YOUR PRETTY MUCH FUCKED.
Start pickin' out yer coffin pal.

But my lip had healed after the initial biopsy, and my cancer guy called telling me that the first lab report came back inconclusive, and so did his newer one.
The reports pretty much said...
"Could be cancer... maybe not..."
And he said, cancer usually doesn't just up and heal like that.
So even though I was scheduled for surgery on March 29th, he decided to have me go in for a last minute, more extensive, "deeper" biopsy last friday.
Fucker slit my shit open like a pig, dug around in there a bit, then sewed me up like an old coat!
(Fuckin' OW!)
Removing the stitches the other day by myself in the bathroom with a tweezers & nail clipper was certainly fun too!
They kept annoyingly unraveling and popping up like those stiff hairs on Jeff Goldblum's back in the movie "The Fly"!
So I had no choice but to pull 'em myself.

But after the last weeklong nerve-racking wait for results, and my follow-up visit to him yesterday, I am EVER so happy to announce....

"IT"S A FUCKIN' MIRACLE... I'M HEALED...!!!!"

Turns out, it wasn't cancer after all, but just a bad, ugly, SCARY case of..."maybe not".
After the good news, I told my cancer doctor that I never wanted to see him again...
and he told me to get out and never come back.

"Introducing...."

2006-02-10T02:53:00.000-05:00

Kadence Dorothy Salinas!
Born on February 9th, 2006 @ 3:38 PM.
Weighing in at 6 lbs./14 ozs. and measures 20 in. tall.

"Give da little lady a hand...!"

At the time of this post... da lil bugger is aproximately 12 hours old.
(Hee-hee-hee-hee!)

Both Mommy and Kadee are doing fine and should come home sometime on Saturday.

"Auntie Stephie" flew down to Georgia and was also present at her much awaited arrival.
(I hear that during birth, she was bawlin' more than lil Kadee was!)

And lemme tell yaz...
this "Ol Grandpappy" couldn't be more prouder of his little girl Kelly on becoming a mommy!
And I'm proud of my son-in-law D.J. as well.
I couldn't of handpicked a better guy myself to take over the watch of looking after my lil girl for me.
Love yaz both!

Can't wait to see my lil grandmonkey in person!
Good job guys!

"Sometimes If It Weren't for Bad Luck..."

2006-01-23T15:06:00.000-05:00

Well... just when ya think... it couldn't get much worse...

Even though my viral load went down to ZERO lately, I've been getting all sorts of side effect, "wootchie-bootchies" from the Hep C.
Something called "Lichen Planus" whose symptoms are mouth sores, nail splitting, and a rash on my entire body that has transcended mere "itchyness"... and has gone onto a cross between feeling like my body is on fire... and a semi-nervous condition.
Compound this with the fact that for the longest time, I couldn't get conclusive confirmations as to what I had for sure, and what to actually do about it from the doctors that I went to.
And finding a dermatologist who takes my insurance was just about next to impossible. Until I finally found one a few towns away who accepted it, but was only there on sundays.
I was there in a heartbeat!

Now also during the past few weeks, I've developed quite a lil sore on my lower lip, that just wouldn't seem to heal.
When I got to the derma guy, and after checking me out for a bit, he said that I had about 6 to 8 different diseases that would prolly keep us busy for the next couple of weeks.
He proceeded to write me out like 8 different prescriptons, one was for some kinda "magic oil" that he said would kill the rash in a few days!
Whoo-hoo...!!!
Finally! A halfway decent doctor, who seemed to know what he was doing, knew what I had... and how to treat it!

Then he looked at my lip and stated in his Russian Jewish accent...
"Datz gotta coom uff yuh knyow...?"
I was like..."Exsqueeze me...? Come... OFF...???"
He then proceeded to whip out four large needles and zapped me right in da lip with novocaine.
"FUCKIN'...OW...!!!!"
Within 2 seconds I went from a caucasian... to Eddie Murphy going thru those weird "liver lipped" changes in "The Nutty Proffessor".
All I needed were a couple of plates, and some neck bands, and I coulda joined my local Ubangi Oombabamowmow Social Club.
He then sliced off a hunk with a scalpel for a biopsy.
Then, in my now ultra numbed up state with my eyes wide shut...
I asked, "Someone cookin' a steak...?"
Hearing a sizzle... I opened my eyes to see him busily woikin' my lower lip with a Black & Decker soldering iron, like some transistor radio repairman!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH...!!!"

Later on after the novacaine wore off, I felt like I was kicked in da face by a mule, and I couldn't get away from dat smell of singed flesh.
"Yuck!"
But... soon after filling my prescriptions, and using them for about a week now...
I am happy to report he wasn't lyin' about dat "magic oil" getting rid of my rash.
It's clearing up nicely!
(thank GOD for small miracles.)

Last night around 9 pm I was cooking dinner for my mom & daughter when the phone rang, and I heard my mom say,
"Who...? His dermatologist...?"
It was my doctor on the other end.
He said that he was sorry to report to me that the biopsy came back from my lip, and that I had "Squamous Cell Carcinoma"...

Cancer.

If this "run of luck" I've been having lately was GOOD luck...
I'd be frickin' DANGEROUS with a "dollar & a dream" and the New Jersey Figgedy-Farkin' Lottery!

So the doctor also told me that this type of cancer wasn't like ordinary skin cancer, was "serious", and has to be treated immediately. So with his advice, I hadda make arrangements to go to the Cancer Institute of New Jersey in New Brunswick next monday.
It seems like a really state-of-the-art joint, with a very friendly, helpful staff.
No waiting on hold for an hour when you call, or being told that there are no appointments till 6 months from now... like da fucking University of Medicine & Dentistry of New Jersey that I've been going to lately.
Wutta ZOO dat iz!

From what I researched so far, the treatment for this is either surgury, internal or external radiation treatment...
or "all of the above".
And naturally all this brings dat "inner hypochondriac" in me right da fuck out to play...!
My mind has been going from me looking like PigPen from the Peanuts comics, with four hairs coming outta my bald noggin'...
to a lipless "Fire Marshall Bill" from "In Living Color"...
("Coob yoo pweeze pit up my dentures... I can't sheem to keeps dem in...!")
to picturing some "nice epitaph on my tombstone"...

Since last night, I've been going from intense fear, to tears, to anger, and then to hysterical laughter...
COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO FUCKING ME!
I'm gonna look like Vincent Price in "The House of Wax"...!!!!
All I need is a big, black fedora and a cloak!
And so I am trying DESPARATELY to keep my mind away from bad pictures, and trying to see a positive outcome in all this.

So uh... yeah...
Datz about all I got for now.
Will keep yaz posted when I know more.
Wish me luck...

"Merry Christmas!"

2005-12-23T21:00:00.000-05:00

Hello, my cheeky wee monkeys!
It's been awhile since we last visited together!
Sorry if this post's title isn't "politically correct"...
but it IS Christmas time.
It's what I celebrate, what most of my friends and family celebrate, and even my one Jewish friend who's pretty much an atheist even celebrates it.
And it's a "Christmas tree"...not a "Holiday tree".
Not any more than a Menorah is a "holiday candelabra", or a "Kikombe cha umoja" (a Kwanzaa communal unity cup)...
is a "family holiday spitoon".
It's my custom to say Merry Christmas.
And I'm not gonna change that because some hardcore atheist in West Bumfuck, North Dakota thinks it offends his little yuppie larva's "delicate sensibilities".
In a time of such hate, violence and war... why anyone would wanna limit greetings and customs that promoted peace, love & brotherhood even more is beyond me.
I think that some people in the world have nothing better to get their twitches in a snit and a bug up their ass about, than to pick on stoopid crap like that.
To my Jewish friends... Happy Hannukah.
To my African-American friends who celebrate it... Happy Kwanzaa!
For my Atheist friends... have a nice weekend!
But for my Christian friends... for God's sake, loosen up dat sphincter muscle...
Just say Merry Christmas!

So since I've posted here last, things have been going along fairly smoothly.
Although I am still getting crazy side effects from my medication, my last doctor's visit brought me the good news that my viral load went down to ZERO.
Which is a good sign.
If it stays that way throughout the rest of my treatment...
I may just beat this thing.

Since my last post, Thanksgiving passed...
and I celebrated yet another birthday.
(47 for those keeping score.)
And now Christmas will be here in the blink of an eye...
and a fresh New Year will soon dawn upon us.
And I find I've had lots of time to reflect.

The past year or so has played out like a bad country western song for me.
Unemployment, getting sick, having a 7 yr. love affair come to a close...
and then finding out my mom has lung cancer and given 2 to 6 months to live.

But yet through it all... I have faith.
And hope.
Somedays... datz ALL I got... is HOPE.
And with all the "bad hands" that I've been dealt over the past year or so, I gotta say...
life still ain't dat bad.
Sure... things get a bit "sparse" around here towards the end of the month.
I can't always afford life's little luxuries that I would like to have.
I don't live in a fancy apartment or condo, or own a car,
I'm sick and weak more often than I have strength due to my treatment,
I sometimes get lonely,
and worry about becoming homeless after Mom goes...

But then I look at a little down & out homeless guy I know named "Rockin' Ray", an ex-hippie, with no family, that plays guitar in the freezing cold for change, just to get a hot meal and a beer.
Yet always greets me with a great big happy & smilin'...
"Howz it rockin' Eddie!".
I see people who have much more devastating illnesses, and afflictions than I do, and still go on.
I look at the victims of Katrina, and the Tsunami.
And I know people who never even knew their mother...
and not be as blessed as I have been, to have spent 47 years with mine.
(The way this stubborn old Pollock mother of mine has been of late... I may just spend a few more years with her. She seems to be proving them wrong so far. Guess she's holdin' out to see the new grandmonkey that's comin' soon!)

So basically, I'm not wearing rags, I got a warm roof over my head, the bills are paid (mostly), we have enough food to make it thru each month, cable TV, and a PC with an internet connection...
what more in life could ya really ask for...?
I'm getting well, getting my act together, and all the rest of life's little hurdles will all get sorted out, mended and healed over time.

Christmas this year will be a real simple and humble one.
No one around here can really afford presents,
but we'll have each other.
A nice dinner together, trimming our 2 foot Charlie Brown Christmas tree, and hanging out with each other.
And that's really what the holiday is all about...innit...?
I won't be getting any wonderful presents this year...
no cameras, iPods, big screen TV's, new computers or even my two front teeth.
(got da teeth already... bought 'n paid for... sit in a cup at night!)
But looking at my life...
I'm wealthier than Bill Gates,
I have the greatest gifts of all...

Kids.
Who tho sometimes drive me crazy,
I wouldn't trade them for the world,
who love me back, even with all my imperfections,
and are my singlemost treasures in life.

Kelly

Stephie

Colleen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandkids
Who are great to have around, and even better to watch go home to their parents... yet are also a blessing, and the future.

Rene

Lil Albie

"Working Title: Cadence Dorothy"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friends
Who listen to me bitch & moan, pick me up & dust me off when I fall, laugh at my jokes, and tell me what I need to hear...
not what I want to hear.

Morty

Greg

Harry & Lori

Sara Jane

Tara
Even tho my "ex-wife", and we have our "sour spots"... is still one of the dearest friends I have over the past 25 yrs.

Spooky
"The monkey cat from Mars."

Walt
Who tho has passed on into the great beyond...
was my mentor, my teacher, my big brother, my shrink...
but above all...
my friend.
His spirit is still with me every day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But my greatest gift of all this Christmas,
is the precious time I still have left to spend with the person who gave me the gift of life...

Mom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some people go thru life never even being close to as blessed as I have been with these wonderful & cherished gifts of family and friends.

I wish you all the same blesings, and a wonderful & Happy Holiday!

"Things Dat Go Bump In Da Night...

2005-11-01T04:41:00.000-05:00

OK... gonna be a shorty.
Really tired.
We went to the World Famous N.Y.C. Village Halloween Parade tonite.
Entered into the "Book of World's Top 100 Things To Do Before You Die."
After watching every horror movie imaginable over the weekend on TV...
I hadda get out to see some real Halloween Goils & Ghouls.
This year's theme was New Orleans, and the parade raised money to benefit the Katrina victims.
Rightly so, seein' as how dat grand & gracious 'Ol City of da South came to bat for us a fears years ago during 911.

As always... it was a wonderful parade!

Here's a gallery of our adventure tonite...

N.Y.C. Village Halloween Parade

You know da deal, clik on the first thumbnail, then either use the nav buttons under each pic, or just clik the pic itself to move forward.

My feet hurt, my gumbo is beepin' in da microwave...
All I have to say about our great time tonite is...
"Ba-Fun-Ghoul!"

"Just An Old Sweet Song..."

2005-10-24T02:22:00.000-05:00

Wow! It's been awhile... hasn't it kids...?
Brace yourselves... this is gonna be a bit long...
Just got back from my 3 week visit from way down soufh...
in da "Land 'O Cotton".

Georgia.

"Doo-dah...!"

(Well, Ok... been back a week already... just been busy.)
Doctor appointments, therapists, house cleaning, foodshopping, photo expos... and on top of it all, I took like over 400 pix down there, and burnt them to a disk. But something screwed up, and I only managed to salvage like half.
Gotta hook up with Kelly, and get her to send me the missing photos.
But although it took a bit... I made a gallery and finally am able to post a lil sumthin'- sumthin' from my trip.

First off, Kelly & D.J's house is amazing.
(Sorry, parental bragging rights apply here. My kid's doin' way better than I ever did. I'm SO proud of both of them... Stephie too.)
Not so much that it's a palatial mansion... but it's a brand new, 2 bedroom, 2 bath, huuuuge apartment, with walk-in closets in every room, a tropical pool & tiki bar, full sized gym, gameroom, and has all brand new appliances like dishwasher & clothes washer/dryer, security system, in a gated community... with parking!
All for $800. bucks a month rent!
Around here, places like this are called luxury condos, and rent for over three grand a month. I'm living in da wrong state.

The only problem for a city boy like me is that...
well... it's Middle Georgia.
Centerville.
Ain't a Hell of a lot ta do down thar.
It's all clean, and sparkly and all, but not too interesting to look at.
And if your like me, and you don't drink, hunt, or fish...
unless ya like eatin' in chain restaurants like Chili's etc., shopping in malls and doing a lot of bowling... your fucked on a saturday night.
So during the week, I was Kelly's personal maid...
I kept the house clean, dishes washed, clothes done, and mainly watched every HBO movie imaginable (all 5 channels!), and also caught up on the entire 5th season of The Sopranos on DVD...
in like 3 days.

But when my lil toosieface would come home from woik,
fuckin' wit shit down at da 'ol hangar...
I was like a deranged housewife in heat...
"Ooh, Ooh!, Ooh! Kelly... your home! Take me out!
I just gotta go bye-byes...!!!"
We managed to visit every mall & chainstore you can think of...
Sears, Target, JC Penny...
Chuck's Bait, Tackle, Gun & Pawn Jewelry Shop.
Wutta joint dat wuz...!
For all your fishing, ammo, handgun, shotgun, "30-aught-six", high powered automatic, and pawned powertool needs!

And I got to go with my baby... to take pictures of her baby.
We went to get Kelly's sonigram, and we found out that "Baby Herman" is actually... "Baby Hermoine"
We saw her heartbeating, sucking her thumb...
and a great upskirt shot of her tiny lil sideways burgerbun.
So we know she's a lil goil.
A proud moment for this soon-to-be grandpappy!

We went out one night to an "O'Charley's"... "O'Chucky's"...
I dunno... some fuckin' drunken Irish bastard's name... I forget.
Your basic family restaurant/bar thing.
They had a "trivia night' on Tuesday's.
Your play as a group table, all agree on an answer, and the table captain writes the answer on a piece of paper and brings it up to the moderator.
Ya have to hand in the answer before the song he puts on a turntable finishes.
And lemme tell ya... these focker's take their trivia seriously!
All sorts of rules... like ya can't answer a cell phone while at your table. You gotta go up to the moderator in front of everyone, and answer it...
so that you can't cheat and get "phoned in answers".
We were like... "Yeah... OK Regis... it's just my wife on da horn...
I ain't usin' a lifeline there Cha-Cha...!"
But I was at a table full of 20-something airman & their wives...
and they weren't as up on trivia as I was.
I'm a regular "Cliff Claven" from "Cheers"...
just chock full 'O useless information.
I fed them all sorts of answers. And they never scored so high before.
They thought I was Yoda or something.
Our team name was "We Were Here First". Because we apparently bumped another table of "trivia regulars" that usually sat there.
And we really seemed to put Granny Gump's panties on the opposing team in a knot cuz of it. They actually had spies, checking us out, and tried a feeble attempt at ratting one of our players out for taking a cellphone call.
Unfortunately... we didn't win.
But I did manage to polish off a better part of a 50 piece bucket of hotwings & a gallon of rootbeer...
and didn't shit for like the next 3 days.

Kelly took me on her base one day, and got a special security clearance for me to bring me onto the flightline, and onboard one of the surveillance planes she works on called the J-Star.
It's a monster of a radar plane.
And if you pass the little red line after the big gates you gotta go thru to get onto the air field, without clearance...
the armed guards there will as my kid puts it... "Jack yo' shit up".
I didn't wanna test da kid wit da big M-16.
(Although he did piss me off, cuz he was using it as leaning post. Quite possibly fuckin' up a perfectly useful deadly weapon that my tax dollars are paying for!)
The plane was fun, and I got the grand tour...
and I got to sit in da cockpit!
Afterward... the guys had a pig roast, and I ate with the airman.
It made me proud, and brought a tear to my eye to know just what kinda chowhounds are defending my country.
Good times... good times...
Hoo-rah!

They seem to eat a lot of pork down in the peach & peanut state.
Which is fine by me...
my arteries are lined with "the other white meat".
We got wind of a "Pig Jig" down in Vienna, Ga.
(which I was corrected on... it's not "Vee-enna"... it's... "VI-enna".)
It's one of these things ya see on da Food Network.
A big PIG cookoff.
Pulled pork, spareribs, brisket, hamhocks, Bar-B-Que...
you name it... they make it.
And it's kinda like a fair/small western town in the middle of some giant field near a shitload of cotton.
The winners actually setup small wooden duplex buildings permanantly there, with railings and decorated porches & shit.
It was kinda cool.
Afterward we went to a few antique stores with some great old stuff.
And then I got to wander out into a cottonfield...
and actually picked me sum cotton!
I can now die and go to heaven.
Kelly kept motioning me back to the car, and seemed to think I might get brought up on charges of cotton thievery.

And then I finally got to meet my "Gee-O-gee-ah Sweetheart"...
Sara Jane.
I've know Sara now for like 8 yrs. online.
She's from Georgia, and has a website called Southern Fried Chuckles.
(see link top left on this page under links.)
She found my website years back and wrote me...
and we've become thick as thieves ever since.
She's been my friend, confidante, teacher, therapist, big sister and a fantasy.
And now living outside Ga. in another nearby state...
she actually drove for hours just to come see my sorry ass.
It was fantastic!
No words can describe how nervous we were to meet at first...
but how amazing a visit it was!
Unfortunately it was waaay too frickin' short!
But we vowed that we'd see each other again soon, and that next time maybe she'd come up here by me, and I'd take her for a spin around da Big Apple.
(A great big shoutout to Poe for making everything possible for our get together. Your a great guy buddy... thanks!)
Till we meet again Sara my love...

Next it was off to the Georgia State Fair.
It was a monster of a fair, but like everywhere else me and Kelly went, we usually left a tiny bit late, and didn't get to see everything...
so we only saw a bit of the livestock/agricultural part of the fair.
("yawn.")
But it don't get no better than this folks!
Rednecks, cotton candy & corndogs, livestock, rides...
and one of the few remaining old-timey traveling 10-in-one sideshows around!!!
If your a magician & carnie-lover like me, or a just fan of the bizarre and corney... or even just watch "Carnivale" on HBO...
this one's a must see!
The ballyhoo stand...
(that's where the barker drums up business for the show)
had one of the last genuine "Munchkins" from "The Wizard of Oz".
Lil fucker was like 75 yrs old, still doing magic 'n shit.
Inside the tent was pure cheese... in full glory!'
Hokey stunts and badly done illusions, con-jobs, "pickled punks" and fakeries... sawdust and tattered tights.
(a "pickled punk" is carny talk for a fake deformed embryo in a big pickle jar.)
I was in my element!
In usual form, they had like two couples taking turns performing all of the ten plus acts pictured outside the tent...
"Spidora", "Revolvo", The Human Blockhead", The Electric Girl"...
I immediately fell in love with the one chick who was just so amazingly trashy... she was hotter than Hell to me!
A sexy lil number that wore like old mismatched undergarments, with long-john bottoms underneath torn fishnets, and she was tatooed all over, had half her head shaved, and various pieces of hardware threaded thru her face.
But up close... she was a real looker guys...!
My kinda woman.
("wink-wink... nudge-nudge...!")
She actually was quite sexy & cute in person.
Da pix in my gallery do her no justice.
The only thing that kinda gave me the creeps at the fair were the ghastly & gruesome looking, open-mouthed, clown-head trash cans.
They could traumatize a small child for life!

We also took a trip to Macon twice.
Once to just to visit... another time... for a murder trial.
Macon is a cute town with old buildings, but no people that seem to wanna walk around.
It was like 6pm on a beautiful friday night... and the town looked like it was a sunday morning.
Nobody around, except for an old black dood in a wheelchair, and his cronies...
and a handful of yuppie wanna-bees dining in a sidewalk cafe.
One of the only open busineses around.
I dunno... but the empty town kinda creeped me out...
it reminded me of the old 1950's "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" movie.

What's that you say...?
"What about da murder trial Ed...?"

Well... apparently Kelly kinda went out very briefly with this guy awhile back.
Nothing much came about of it, and they parted company.
Thank you Sweet Jeezuz...!!!
Later on... this dood went out with a married woman or something.
(I'm not all that totally clear on the actual story.)
And the woman decided to go back to her paralyzed, wheelchair-bound husband.
So this kid lay in waiting one night for the couple to get home.
Waiting with a large monkey-skinning knife, with deep serated edges for removing monkey nuts...
or some other reasonable facsimile like dat dere.
Anyhoo... when they got home, he stabbed them both visciously to death...
and I believe severely injuring a friend who was also with them.
So he was convicted of murder one.
And what was weird, was that Kelly was called in as a character witness for him during the sentancing trial...
not the actual murder trial.
Kinda like to help lighten his sentance I guess.
I listened to testimony from his high school coaches, Home Depot boss, girlfriend from bible school...
He was a nice fella.
But Kelly never wound up testifying at the trial.
They let her off because she was pregnant & a bit emotional that day.
They didn't wanna stress her out while pregnant.
But he ended up getting hit with da full magilla...
the death penalty.
"C'est la Vie, mon cherie monkey sticker..."

Then one day we took a 3 hour drive out to Savannah.
An absolutely gorgeous town on the coast.
(I think it's on da coast... felt like we were driving to France...)
Old buildings and houses, cobblestone streets, and the one end of Savannah ends with like a two story drop-off, with stairs leading down to the waterfront riverwalk area.
Very impressive.
There we found curio shops, and knick-knack, bricka-brack, give a dog a bone shops.
And lots of seafood joints.
We ate in one called "One-Eyed Lizzy's".
Cajun shrimp with scallops, king crablegs and dirty rice...
good stuff!
By then it was getting dark, so we started for home.
We got a bit lost on the way back, and went thru some of the neighborhoods there.
I regret that we didn't have enough time during the day to explore some of them.
(my digital camera takes crappy pix at night.)
Beautiful plantation-type mansions, and little quaint old houses with porches, and stone streets. Even the ghetto neighborhoods were beautiful.
(which Kelly usually has quite the knack for getting us lost in... da ghetto.)
I need to get back there someday.
I just couldn't get over just how much un-tampered-with, open land there was during our 3 hour drive there between Centerville & Savannah.
On the way back... I couldn't even hardly make out any lights thru the trees.
And I just kept thinking of all the U.F.O. books I've read, and shows I've seen...
where ya always see da redneck farmer talking about being abducted, and taken aboard a spacecraft, and having anal probe thingys shoved up his butt.
It made me a tad offput... and needless to say...
I kept watchin' da skies all da way home,
butt cheeks clenched tighter than a clam.

Last but not least... we went to the Warner Robbins Air Museum.
More planes, cheesey displays of oldtime war stuff, and Georgia heros.
I got tons of cool plane pictures, but most were lost temporarily till me & Kelly hook up and she sends me the remaining lost pix.
Met a great old coot who kinda is the greeter there.
A retired airman from Delaware who made Georgia his home.

All in all... this 'ol Yankee found the south... Peachland, Peanutville... and the people down there... much different than I had expected.
I was actually quite impressed.
I would actually contemplate living there...
or not...
I dunno.
But I certainly liked it.
I liked it alot...
I had a cotton pickin' great time!

On the plane ride back... I hadda switch planes for a layover in D.C.
The first plane on this small independant airline...
(aptly called Independance Air)
had an elecrical problem.
In which the captain came off the plane and proudly announced that he would fix it by his own damn self.
("I don't need no steenking maintanance guys...!")
I looked out at the plane... and it was a tiny Buddy Holly job.
As big as a school bus.
I had never been on a plane dat small...
I nearly crapped my pants.
And I nearly missed the next plane they brought out after El Capitain finally came to his senses about his knowledge of electricity.
The ride back thru the monsoon season the north was in da midst of was rough to say da least...
And so I white knuckled it all the way back,
with my butt cheeks clenched,
just watching da skies out da plane window, for da lil U.F.O. doods wit their anal probe thingys...
I can crack a walnut with my buttocks by now.
They won't take me alive I tell ya!

I had a great time, and a much needed break from a very stressful & trying period of my life. I had a wonderful time because of my beautiful sweetheart daughter Kelly.
Thank you my baby girl!
I miss you so much already.

Here's a gallery of some my adventures in da south.
More pix will hopefully be posted later on when I get 'em.
After clicking on the first pic, either use the navigation below each picture to advance to the next one...
or simply click on the center of each picture to move forward.
Enjoy!

Peanutville Gallery

Long post...
tired... goin' ta bed.
Wuss dat...???
Izzat a lil green man outside da window...???
What's dat he's got in his hand...????

Happy Halloween!!!

"Into The Unknown..."

2005-09-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

Ok... so I went to my first therapy session yesterday.
I can see I'll now be a regular traveler into the wide unknown expanse that is my whacked out mind. My therapist is a really cool woman named Linda, who's around sixty-something, and kinda reminds me a Hell of a lot of my dead sponsor/mentor Walter. In the short time we spent together, we covered a lot of ground, and she seems to also be like Wally in the way that she seems to want to champion my every cause, and question. She was on the phone with people trying to find a medicine for a rash I got as a by-product of my Hep C, and even went into my past experiences of being molested as a child, my grief over my mom dying, and my girlfriend leaving me.
I like her already.
This is strangely exciting territory for me...
like going into a spookhouse.
I can see it's gonna be fun and rewarding.

I also just got back from my dentist a bit ago...

I GOT NEW TEETH!!!

It's also... a new and bizarre experience!
Immediately I went out and bought all dat crap ya need for 'em...
Polident, Fix-O-dent, a denture brush...
the hardest thing to find is one of them there denture cups tho.
Hadda go to 3 stores to find one.
The dentist put like four ounces of Fix-O-dent on 'em, and when I got home... practically needed a jackhammer to pry 'em loose.
He told me it's gonna be a bit weird at first, and that eating, talking, etc. is gonna take practice... but eventually...I'd get used to it.
I hope so...
Cuz I just ate a Blimpie sub sandwich a little while ago...
and it was like an out-of-body experience.
I also now talk like I got my tongue slammed in a car door...
and I have a new lisp.

But I look ... DAZZLING!!!

This is how I look with my new teeth...

This is without...

Handsome devil... ain't I...???

So... all this stuff is gonna take adjusting to... but I'll do it.

Gotta pack in a bit... going down to Georgia on Saturday.
I'm sooped!
I get to go bye-byes on a plane!
Dunno when I'm coming back...
prolly in about 2 weeks.
(or whenever I get bored with rednecks... whichever comes first.)

So... wish me luck!
"Rednecks, New Teefh, and Psychologists... Oh My!"

"Summer's End..."

2005-09-16T01:36:00.000-05:00

"It turned colder, that’s where it ends – so I told her we’d still be friends...
then we made our true love vow – wonder what she‘s doin‘ now
summer dreams ripped at the seams, but oh...
those summer nights..."
Summer Nights - Grease
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So OK... I've been getting lax around here with the updates, and more concerned with pining over loves lost.

Sue me.

My daughter, her boyfriend & I had my mom down to a lil broken down, rinky dink Jersey shoretown last weekend.
She always loved this place, and used to rent bungalows for us when I was small during the summers.
She always said she wanted to have her ashes spread under one of the weeping willow trees down there in Keansburg.
I'm just afraid she won't make it till next summer...
so took her to see it one last time.
We ate boardwalk food, played games of chance, and I took her in one of the old local taverns that she used to be friends with the owners of...
and they were still there & remembered her.
We also took her to the spot where her father (my grandfather)
built a cabin many years ago.
She was in her glory.
Mom had a good time.

I'm in a good, yet melancholy, angry, tired, lonely, happy, poignant & reflective kinda mood.
Scuze me...

Speaking of shoretowns...
As I got off my train tonite, and saw a crapload of out of town yuppie larva "whooping it up" coming from the bars around here...
It reminded me of a thought I had recently.
Lemme get a tiny bit of something off my chest, that since all this craziness going on in my life... stands out in my mind right now again for some bizarre reason...

Down the Jersey shore, the locals call us northerners who come down there to vacation ...

"Bennies"

(No idea where they came up with such a goofy term)

We spend lots of money on overpriced summer rentals, over priced rides & attractions, shop there, and play on what's mostly...
the dirtiest & most polluted beaches on the east coast.
(For which they charge you a good buck to get onto. Most beaches from what I'm told in this country are free.)

So last time I was in the presence of my ex-beloved shore girl, we were going to a BBQ down there at one of her family's friends.
(On the day that my "Spidey-senses" kicked in full tilt bozo...
and I first began to get wise to her "less than honest" ways.
Always trust your gut guys...!)

It was in a tiny beach town...
with one road in & out to this July 4th shindig.
And so while stuck in a bit of expected holiday traffic, someone in the car who's extremely "opinionated" mumbles...
"Lousy Bennies...!"

Bennies...????

How 'bout...
Fuck You...!

During the much-needed-by-you, short 3 month summer season...
Who helps pay your taxes?
Who spends money to beat the band on your broken down, "summer vacation spots" that you've created to price gouge tourists, so you can put your bored & spoiled lil brats thru college, and so you can get fat... and vacation in Florida for the winter..?
And most Jersey shore residents are transplanted Northern Jersey white trash & New York yuppies anyway...
People who couldn't deal with sticking & staying up here to make the urban areas a better place to live in... and changing things here...
so instead fled to the Jersey shore in search of "Camelot"...
acting as if they're now somehow... "better than".
I know I'm ghetto white trash...
but I'm not gonna act differently because I moved and bought a picket fence.

And now... guess what?
You guys come up here, and steal away OUR urban jobs.
(I guess Jay & Silent Bob's strip mall isn't such a promising place to be "Clerks" in down there... huh...?)
And you've helped create real estate markets that have become harder & harder to deal with up here for working people.
And your spoiled & bored lil brats come up here to party in our bars & clubs, and puke & piss on our doorsteps, make noise in the middle of the night, and take away from what little valuable parking there is around here to begin with.
And your "spawn" also help contribute to doubling the normal load of urban drug traffic.
(Bored Lil Joey Beachboy hates the "suburban utopia" that mummy & daddie created for him, and can't buy crack in his town... so he helps perpetuate & double the drug flow up here...)

And you do this 24/7... 365 days a year!

So exactly... who's da frickin' "Bennie"...?

And they make our train stations, streets & roadways insane at rush hour, and our shopping districts like the 34th St./Macy's areas a nightmare on holidays...

Do WE complain...???

NO...!!!

We've actually created pathways out in the street, for more "tourist savvy" locals to walk around you cattle who come up here to work, shop & sightsee.
We add more buses and trains to get your fat, chunky, Olive Garden-eatin' asses up in dis piece.
We appreciate your business, and are proud that this is one of the finest citys in the world... and love to show it off!

This "Bennie comment" was from the same person who was once up here sightseeing near the Intrepid aircraft carrier/space museum, "showing off" this town to his relatives, as if he actually had a clue... and he actually had the sheer BALLS to state...
"I'd like to take one of those fighter planes over there, and run it down Broadway, and bomb this entire place... yuck, yuck, yuck...!
I have no use for this damn city...!"

Guess wut asshole...???
We ain't got no use for crap like you!
Stay home in your lil pink houses!

And so if you can't deal wit da heat of a little holiday traffic down by you...
build some new roads & bridges with the capital your making off of us "Bennies".
Leave a bit earlier, shop & rent your videos a day sooner...
or don't go out on a holiday!

Most tourists & out-of-towners are welcome up here...
But ignorant assholes like you can make this place better for all of us...
by staying outta MY town!

Bennies!

Also, as a side thought... those rubes down there gear up in wetsuits, and hop on stoopidly overpriced toys called "boogie-boards"...
and act as if they have some kinda "surfing skills".
Yeah... OK Cha-Cha...
Tell dat to Big Bruddah Mokanopokielokiewokie over there on Diamond Head, Hawaii...
and try to convince dem real surfers over there about your "badass skills"...
and how "big & hard" da waves are to "surf" down in Joisey.
Dere ain't no waves to speak of that require "surfing" on in Jersey nephew...!
Not unless 'yo ass iz in a storm!
Wut a joke!

Next summer I'll be vacationing up here in the northern mountain & lake areas thank you very much...
Fuck the Jersey shore!
Never liked da beach anyhoo...!
I'm allergic to sharks.
Next beach I sit on is gonna be in the Carribean...
wit a babe in one hand, and a virgin Pina Colada in the other...!

(end of rant...)

So my "agent" Morty, got me a job tonite teaching computer classes to a woman out by him. Made a wonderful new friend.
Nice lady.
And I made some much needed money for my much getaway to Georgia coming up.
Dat old bastard is right... having a few Benjamins in your wallet gives ya a lot better outlook on things!

I sound angry... but I'm not.
I'm actually kind of in an excited, anticipatory mood towards things coming down dat 'ol pike.
Therapists & healing, weight loss & excercise, new careers & new experiences, new friends and new loves...

A period to go into a "cocoon"...
and re-emerge a butterfly...!

"Eddie 2.0"...!!!

Watch out world...!
Watch out ladies...!!!

And I really have no hard feelings or ill will towards the south and it's residents.
(south jersey dat is...)

I've actually been flooded with beautiful, yet bittersweet memories on my train ride out to Morty's tonite...

College campuses & "kidknappings" to the big city.
Taking train rides to faraway towns just to have dinner & feed the ducks.
Exploring new & strange places arm in arm.
Crazy nights on beaches & backseats of cars.
Going to breakfast and having the waitress ask you if you want "the usual"...
Plans of weddings in railway stations, and notes left with the newstand guy...
to let your newly beloved know your waiting for her...

I've been blessed with some wonderful memories the past seasons...
for which I will always be eternally grateful...
Thank you my lil Jersey girl.

But things change.
The world turns again...
A clock unwinds...
A flower dies...
The heart beats yet another beat.

It's just a pity that sometimes summer has to come to an end so soon...

"Stand Back Up..."

2005-09-13T08:52:00.000-05:00

Click forward button 5 times on music player to listen to music here:
http://www.themagician8.com/Home/home.htm

In memory of 911,
for all the victims of Hurricane Katrina,
and after all that I've been going thru... my own comfort & sanity.

Stand Back Up
Sugarland

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
I'm only human but aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say...

I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've have enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe...
But when the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up...

I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly...
If what don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up.

So, go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up...

"Random Randomities..."

2005-08-31T16:00:00.000-05:00

[Post concept blatantly stolen from good friend Cherdoo]

Random things about me...

I...

have a tiny permanent hole on the palm of my right hand, into which I can stick a toothpick about 1/4 inch.

have been a "night person" since around age 12, waiting for my mom to close the tavern, and have fought sleep since. But once asleep... go into a coma.

have secretly always idolized Elvis while he was, and then when he wasn't "cool"... and still do now that he's "cool" again.

can swallow a handful of needles or razor blades, a length of thread...
then pull them back up threaded.

have an extremely hard time going past a Best Buy, Circuit City, CompUSA, or any other computer/electronics store... without going in and "becoming one with the Borg" for about 45 min. to an hour.

can live on any type of pork.

still get da "willys", and damn near wet myself whenever I hear Linda Blair's voice in The Exorcist.

have injured myself & broken more bones than Robbie Knievel.

once chanted "Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo" for about 13 hours straight in hopes of "spiritual cleansing" (but actually in an attempt to pick up one of the Buddist chicks I had met that day), and wound up being blessed & recieving a rare Buddist sacrament scroll later that night from the equivalent of the Buddist "Pope" in one of his even rarer USA visits.

weep at awards shows.

have an uncanny knack for stating the obvious, and asking stupid questions.
Polish genes inherited from mom I guess... she's dat way too.

love the smell of Vick's Vapo-Rub.

have a tenacious "idiot/savant-like" aptitude for solving most computer problems...
but have no formal training, and haven't a clue about what I'm doing most times...
yet inexplicably do it somehow.

once ate a chicken, banana and peanut butter sandwich...
and loved it. (but didn't poop for a week later.)

am a complete neat freak.

have met several celebrities, but have never been a "star struck" type person...except for the time I met John Lennon.
(a month or so before he died.)

have a HUGE tolerance to large amounts of pain, yet am a complete baby with things like papercuts, rashes, and the flu.

can push a lit cigarette thru a quarter.

have a very sick & warped sense of humour, and at times... will laugh uncontrollably at some small stupid joke, long after it's no longer funny, and until I begin to sound like a maniacal Ricky Ricardo... with tears streaming down my eyes.

am a total sucker for hype, even though I know better.
especially movie hype.

once found a "giant light bulb filled with steel wool" in an abandoned theatrical lighting company.
(which turned out to be a huge flashbulb...)
I screwed it into a small closet light fixture,
looked up,
flipped the switch...
and thought momentarily...
that they "dropped the bomb".
I got an instant sunburn... and that damned large "spot" stayed in front of my eyes for hours...

can forgive more easily than I can forget.
[still working on that...]

hate to be alone... yet at times... can be amazingly comfortable with it, and with myself.

can snort milk, and make it squirt out my eye.
(NOT a magic trick... just pure talent.)

have difficulty understanding why it is, that when you talk to God, they call it prayer...
but when you get answers... they call it schizophrenia...

have never "acted my age"... even as a kid.

"My Turf..."

2005-08-30T01:23:00.000-05:00

Was listening to some music earlier tonite and had my headphones on, so didn't notice that my mom was waving at me, and motioning to me that the phone was ringing.
I picked up the phone, looked at the caller ID and noticed a Monmouth county area code... ex-girlfriend territory...
“Uh-oh... what now...?”

The man’s squeaky voice on the other end of the line asked...
“Is dis Eddie...?
“Uh... yeah...???” I said.
“Yooz got 24 hours, to take dat crap off da internet...
or you’ll have to deal wit me...”

Then he hung up.

I redialed the number from the caller ID, but unfortunately the punk was too chicken to pick up da phone.
So he did the equivalent of a “telephone drive-by”.
Chickenshit.

I don't scare easily...

Your doin' a good job there "hero"...
unfortunately your racing to da wrong burning building Slappy...
Try asking your new honey for some honesty.

I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t get ugly about all this,
and I still won’t really...
But c’mon...???

They say hindsight is always 20/20.
And in retrospect... I seem to remember going thru the same exact situation years ago, with the same ex-girlfriend...
only with me threatening her “ex-boyfriend”...
to stop emailing, calling & bothering my wonderful new “beloved”.
(or was she really "mine"... was he actually an "ex" yet...?)
Now thinking back, maybe she was just trying to "overlap the seams" of the two of us... "cover her tracks" cuz maybe she never really broke up with him originally.

Yep... dat hindsight is a bitch.
I was a magician, an illusionist, an ex-junkie/alcoholic, con-man, and bullshit artist extraordinaire when I wanted to be...
better that the best of ‘em.
I know horseshit when I hear it.
But unfortunately when it comes to matters of the heart...
if it's played too close to da vest...
the blinders always go up.
Things dat make ya go “Hmmm…???”... that sound strange,
you nix off as your sweetheart’s lil idiosyncrasies...
ya always miss 'em... second guess yourself...

I know I was fed a whole “bill of goods” concerning the whys & wherefores about why she was bailing out on this relationship, how long she was or wasn't dating da plumber, etc...
and I know her modus-operandi...
I know she’s prolly spoon-feeding a whole lotta shit to her friends, family and new “heros” about me, and why we split.
"Overlapping da seams"... covering her tracks...
It's called bailing out & cheating on your boyfriend sweetheart.
And ya know wut...?
Datz Ok.
I know my mistakes in our relationship,
and take responsibility for them.
And I know hers as well.
Unfortunately... she isn't taking responsibility for her part...
isn't being honest.
Which is truly sad.
But datz all on her now. She has to live with it.

So does he now.

(Mine & God’s lil joke...! Karma iz a muthafuka...!)

But yanno wut plumber boy...?
She was mine... before she was yours.
She was mine... while she began to be yours.
And that’s ok.

You win dood... enjoy your "prize".

Just a word of warning for ya...
the way I was warned by the boyfriend before me...
Just be careful, and be wise enough to question what doesn’t sound right.
Maybe I shoulda listened...? I dunno... maybe not...
I do cherish the last 7 yrs.
Wouldn't trade 'em back for the world.
And I do wish you both love & luck.

But this is MY TURF.

This is MY website, about MY joys... about MY loves...
about MY pain... and it's my way of easing it.
There’s no mention of full names, nothing slanderous, or anything untrue... no content that would hurt anyone...
just words to enlighten...
if you two are smart enough to hear the message.

It’s about ME... and MY life.

Sometimes with my being sick, going thru treatment, having my mom dying, being faced with even more of life crisis's coming down the pike...
And now losing the one person that I thought I could depend on in life... whom I thought would never leave my side...
always love me...

Sometimes I think it's just way too much pain for one person to have to bear alone.

But I'll get thru it.
And like they say...
If it don't kill ya... it makes you stronger...

Last I checked... I ain't dead yet...
Guess who's doin' push-ups...?

And as Alanis Morrissette sings..."You Learn".
(see song after this post...)

And even tho you may be with her now... she is still... my love.
And will always be to some degree or another... forever.

No matter how much she “bends the truth”...
or is a scared or confused little girl at times...
I will still love her.
For all her faults.
I can forgive her.

Let's see how long you can make that claim...

And I’ll talk to her, write her, post poems & song lyrics here for as ever long as she wants me to, or cares to read them...
And I know she's eating up all this whole soap opera over her as if it were Reese's Pieces...
lovin' all the conflict & drama over her... all the attention...
but still... I'll always be here for her... till the day I die.

Oh... and dat Hudson county number you dialed tonite...???
It’s also MY TURF...
MY HOUSE dere Skippy.
Dis ain’t da Jersey shore up here Chuck.
Your swimmin' in some dark water here son...

So before you go callin’ people, and sellin’ "woof tickets" about who had better do what in who’s house, on who’s turf...
makin' threats...
Ya had better get a grip there nephew...
School's out... smarten up.

You don't know me...
I’m ten years removed from the insanity of my past life...
But you don’t wanna see dat crazy ‘ol werewolf come out when he’s backed into a corner Sparky...

I’m a nice guy today, and wish the best for everyone.
Even you two.
And I mean that with all my heart.
Really.
Have babies and ride off into the sunset on your midlife crisis motorcycles & muscle cars...
(They're just a substitute for your little... oops... nevermind...!
Wasn't gonna go there... sorry...!)

I was trying to "live and let live", forget about everything,
put away the pain,
and move on with my life...
and in this web journal.
Other people seem to have a different agenda.
And now I'm getting threatening phone calls.

Next time... the two of you...
before you speak,
before you say things that aren't true,
before you act...
you'd better... Think.

And just don’t push me...
on MY TURF...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[music link removed due to lack of space, and lack of interest in the parties involved.]

You Learn
Alanis Morrisette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles...

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more that you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears...

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you´re gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend...

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn...

"Dance..."

2005-08-26T14:29:00.000-05:00

[music link removed to lack of space, and lack of interest in the parties involved.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Hope You Dance
Lee Ann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance...
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder, where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance... I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone)

"And So The Clock Ticks..."

2005-08-26T13:34:00.000-05:00

Had my first visit to the St. Mary's Mental Health Center yesterday.
Mostly just an eval for another therapist whom I'll see in Sept.
Feels good.
I'm now officially a bonafide nutcase...
but I'm gettin' better.
I'm using every tool in da toolbox these days to get well.

Also out of the blue... my daughter in the Air Force in Georgia called me.
She heard thru the grapevine (my other daughter) that Adrianna had bailed out on me for an old plumber with a wad of cash and a motorcycle... and that I was extremely sad.
She said her boyfriend was getting deployed to the Middle East next month.
So she said she wanted me to come down to Georgia to be with her, hang out, and be there when she got her next sonigram, cuz she was sad & afraid she'd be alone for it.
So I get a much needed vacation from around here, and to be a dad and grandfather.
And while I'm down there... I'll finally get to meet my Georgia sweetie Sara Jane in person...!
How cool iz dat...?

Also yesterday, I took Mom to the oncologist (cancer doctor)
Basically, after going thru all the options of chemo, radiation, etc.
we found out exactly where things stand.
I rolled Mom in her wheelchair down to the riverside park, we discussed it all for awhile, and came to the conclusion...
we're not gonna go with treatment, cuz it's pretty much not worth it as far as the quality of the rest of her remaining days.
We're gonna turn it over to God...

We talked about what dress she wanted to be laid out in,
held each other's hand...
and watched as a large Carnival Cruise ship rolled out to sea.

And so the clock ticks...

"After Awhile..."

2005-08-24T20:55:00.000-05:00

After a While
Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn
to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

uv yooz...

"This Too Will Pass Away..."

2005-08-24T14:19:00.000-05:00

This Too Will Pass Away
~ Helen Steiner Rice ~

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be ...

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me ...

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that "this will pass away, too!" ...

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains...
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all the chains
That are binding me tight in "the darkness"
And trying to fill me with fear ...
For there is "no night without dawning"
And I know that "my morning" is near...

"I Will Lay Down My Heart..."

2005-08-24T02:00:00.000-05:00

[music link removed to lack of space, and lack of interest in the parties involved.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Can't Make You Love Me
Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights,
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me,
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close,
Don't patronize...

Don't patronize me.

'Cuz I can't make you love me...
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power,
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me...
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right,
Just give me till then...
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight...

'Cuz I can't make you love me...
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power,
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me,
If you don't...

"Farewell My Sweet Baby Angel... "

2005-08-22T00:34:00.000-05:00

[music link removed to lack of space, and lack of interest in the parties involved.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kiss The Rain
Billie Meyers

Hello...?
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?

Hello...?
Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line...
Are you sure you're there alone?

'Cause I'm...
Trying to explain...
Something's wrong...
Ya just don't sound the same.

Why don't you,
Why don't you,
Go outside,
Go outside...

Kiss the rain.

Whenever you need me.
Kiss the rain.
Whenever I'm gone too long.

If your lips...
Feel lonely and thirsty.
Kiss the rain.
And wait for the dawn.

Keep in mind...
We're under the same sky.
And the night's...
as empty for me, as for you.
If you feel,
You can't wait till morning...
Kiss the rain.
Kiss the rain.
Kiss the rain.

Hello...?
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do...
But not the way I'm missing you.

What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close, but it feels
like you're so far.
Oh would it mean anything...
If you knew...
What I'm left imagining.
In my mind,
In my mind,
Would you go,
Would you go...
Kiss the rain.

As you fall over me...
Think of me.
Think of me.
Think of me.
Only me...

Kiss the rain.

Whenever you need me...
Kiss the rain.
Whenever I'm gone too long.
If your lips...
Feel lonely and tempted...
Kiss the rain.
and wait for the dawn.

Keep in mind...
We're under the same sky.
And the night's...
As empty for me, as for you.

If you feel,
You can't wait till morning...

Kiss the rain.
Kiss the rain.
Kiss the rain...
Kiss the rain.
Oooooohhhhh...
Kiss the rain.
Oooooohhhhh...
Kiss the rain...

Hello...?
Can you hear me...?
Can you hear me...?
Can you hear me...?
Can you hear me...?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dancin' alone again...
Eatin' my big chocolate chip cookie and drinkin' my Yoohoo.

Goodbye my Sweet Baby Angel...

Will always be here for you.
Till the day I die.
Love You...
Yots 'n yots...

"Hello... Hello...Hello... Is There Anybody In There...?"

2005-08-05T11:30:00.000-05:00

Anti-depressants.
Against all my better judgement, knowledge, training...
I agreed with my doctor to try them.
BIG mistake.
And I was never really "depressed" from the Interferon anyway...
just a bit extra "weepy" at Hallmark commercials, and sad movies.
I've been in a fog for a week now.
Constant feeling of detachment, being "slightly right of center"...
when I actually hang slightly left.
Very little emotions, and no will to do anything.
They're also 'sposed be for "obcessive/compulsive disorders".
Sometimes a little OCD goes a long way.
It gets the house cleaned, the computer fixed, the cat's box dumped...
I've been forgetting to eat, and going to sleep eating a handful of grapes and a few chocolate chip cookies...
and the PC's still broke, and the house is a mess.
I got stuff to do... people to see, places to go, things to take care of.
Instead I wake up in the morning, and stare blankly at a TV show I have no interest in, and vibrate for 6 hrs with that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I have to go to the principal's office.
Then around four o' clock I muster all the strength I have, to get in the shower, and go over to the hospital to see mom...

A week ago, mom had problems breathing.
It got worse throughout the night, and after much arguing with her to go to the hospital (stubborn old Pollock), she agreed to go to the emergency room the next day.
I rushed her there in an ambulance, and spent the next nine hours in the ER.
At first they said it looked like a bit of pneumonia in her lung, so they admitted her. A few days later after x-rays, catscans and tests... they found "shadows".
Both sides.
After today's lungoscopy biopsy procedure, what they kinda had been guessing about all week is now positive... 2 inoperable tumors...
one on each side.
Mom had breast cancer... TWICE some years ago, and had two mastectomies on different occasions.
She's had a pretty good run for the past 15 years.
Looks like it's back.
She's 80.
She's fraile, with diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, walking around with a hernia, and a host of other assorted lil nasties wrong with her.
She's a tough old Pollock... but this time...
she just wants to go home to see the cat... Spooky.

And having to fill out your mother's "living will", and writing down...
"DO NOT RESUSITATE"
is a punch in the gut I wouldn't wish on anyone.

As if there was a "good time"...
this could'nt've happened at a worse time.
This is a senior citizen's building my mom and I live in.
She's helped me raise my kids here for the past 15 or so years.
They've grown and left the nest recently, leaving just me, mom and Spooky here together.
But technically, we were never really "allowed" to live here with her.
And I've been outta work for awhile now, and had to go on public assistance to help pay for my Hep C treatment and other medical problems.
And I need to stay on it for the next 10 months or so...
or stop my treatment.
Because at around 2 grand a month...
I'd never be able to afford it otherwise.
So basically, depending on how much longer mom has...
I'll be homeless.
Without the proverbial "pot to piss in".
No friends or family to put me up, no substantial money coming in except for a very few bucks I get a month in cash and foodstamps.
And when someone kicks off in this building...
they want your shit out.
Quickly.
Nowhere to put all our belongings, nor the people and resources to move it.
And no one wants a little black cat with "attitude issues".

So now, we wait till monday...
to see exactly which variety of cancer mom has...
and if there's anything that can be done to buy us a bit more precious time.

I have become... "uncomfortably numb"...

"Musta Lost My Head..."

2005-07-26T23:06:00.000-05:00

Went for my first follow-up Doctor visit today since starting the Pegasys medication.
Africa hot in beautiful downtown Newark, NJ today.
Da 'Ol Sammy Davis Jr. Liver Center wuz almost empty!
Got a new Dr. today.
An Indian dood who just smiled a lot, kept saying I'm doin' Ok, and asked me to spell the name of the medication they prescribed for my Hep C...
This is a guy who went to collage, studied medicine, studied the English language, is a full fledged doctor who's now going for a specialty in Liver medicine...
asking ME... how to spell the primary medication given for a major liver illness.
Wutz wrong wit dis picture... ???
Also he said they didn't have my bloodwork back yet, told me things totally contrary to what my original doctor told me about making sure I come every 2-3 weeks because the medicine can lower my blood levels and cause a heart attack, and that my blood has to be closely monitored... and I should be very aggressive about my scheduling.
This new guy iz talking like I should come in every 1-2 months...

So basically you get to see one of the underling doctors, and they go over your shit, and then take you by the hand to see da "Big Kahuna" Liver specialist who runs da joint. He is this little freckle-faced, Black Albino Jewish looking guy wit a bad combover, who kinda is sleazy and looks like some tiny, fish-mouthed Jabba the Hut behind his huge desk covered with prescription stamps.
(Last time I was there, my original Dr. and I waited for him outside his office to finish a phone conversation, and I overheard him talking about all the kickback checks he gets from a local pharmacy from his referring patients there... so... you be da judge...)
He barely listens to what your Dr. says, as he signs copies of your paperwork, then if need be, gives you a prescription with one of his many prescription stamp machines.
So I asked him about the scheduling of visits, and he says in his Thurston Howell III voice...
"Oh... we don't schedule that often... every month is sufficient..."
So if I turn up dead... somebody please sue Dr. Leevy at da Sammy Davis Liver Center of Newark...
Thanks.
So he also asked me how I was doing, and I told him I feel crappy a lot, and feel like I got my period, and am weepy one minute and down & bitchy the next...
So against my protest, he put me on looney pills.
First time I'm on an anti-depressant since I wuz 18 yrs. old.
He said for me to try 'em for awhile, and that he by law had to prescribe them, because this bugjuice I'm shooting up every week can possibly make me wanna do a half-gaynor off a bridge someplace.
So... wut da fuck...
Spec sheet says they're also for bedwetting and obcessive/compulsive disorders...
So I guess I won't piss myself while I'm dreaming about the fact that I'm going full tilt BOZO over this fucking computer that I've been fighting with over the past month...!!!

(I'll get it fixed... really... honest... or I'll die trying...!!!)

I took one earlier, and had a lot more to say here...
but for some weird reason now...
I don't seem to give a shit anymore, and I no longer wanna catalog my entire DVD collection...

"I Want An Ice Cream..."

2005-07-22T22:40:00.000-05:00

I don't feel good.
Hadda go out to Newark today, to da Sammy Davis Jr. Liver Center to get my bi-monthly bloodwork done, and get my script filled for my Interferon syringes.
It was like 98 degrees outside.
This bugjuice I'm takin' kinda sneeks up on me every so often.
Like just when I "think" I'm doing & feelin' kinda OK...
it turns around and says...
"Oh really muthafuka...???"
Last nite I felt like I was in Hell... sick and on da phone blubberin' to Adrianna like I wuz a lil schoolgirl with her first big menstrual period.
I was getting emotional at TV commercials.
Felt a bit better today... but not so great tonite.
And my computer is on drugs.
I have no idea what's going on with it.
Worked fine for awhile, then the sound started crackling.
I'm heavy into sound on my PC. Music, games, movies, etc.
Need it.
Tried fixing it for 4-6 hours. Still didn't woik.
Rebooted my machine last time... wouldn't start.
Original error message came BACK.
WTF...???
Got disgusted, and have the desk pulled out from the wall for the past few days so I can get to the back of the PC.
It's been like that now for days.
Today... outta the blue I decided to give it a try... it started up.
WTF...?

I feel like shit.
I almost don't give a flying rat's pitoot... about anything right now.
Long weekend with no Adrianna coming up, no money, computer on shaky ground...
I want an ice cream cone and a long nap...

"Sometimes You Eat Da Bear... Sometimes Da Bear..."

2005-07-18T00:57:00.000-05:00

OK, this frickin' computer iz driving me nutz!
All that installing, reinstalling, setting, customization...
just to go "pffft!"
Out da window cuz of some weird glitch.
Got it working... then it crapped out. Got it working again...
ZAP!
Screwed up again. And from da get-go... I never got my complete 160 gigs outta my new harddrive. Ran all sorts of patches etc. that was supposed to make that work... no dice. Was working fine up till I turned it on last nite... then it failed.
This morning it magically came to life. So I found a bios patch and a driver online, ran dat... Holy Shitsky-bitskys Batman...
I got my lost 30 gigs of space back!
Rebooted several times today... and da PC worked.
So... I give up... I dunno...

Me and Adrianna (my lovely goilfriend) decided last night to take a 45 min. busride about 3 towns away up to Hudson County Park.
(A.K.A. James J. Braddock Park, named after the same famous boxer guy wut they wrote dat "Cinderella Man" Russel Crowe movie about. He lived around there someplace.)

http://www.jamesjbraddock.com/

Then we walked back home to Hoboken. Like about 6 - 7 miles along a scenic NYC skyline view atop the lovely Palisades Cliffs of New Jersey.
Ah... the view...!
Ah... the excercise...!
Ahhhh... da freekin' sore legs and feet!
We had some fun though.

Medicine is still kickin' my ass... but actually kinda livable.
I say a thank you prayer everyday that I got the new bugjuice... not da old stuff.
Stephie finally got back to Joisey, after visiting her sis down in Georgia.
Dentist visit to try on me new teeth later this week, and a bloodtest Friday, before a Dr. appointment next Tuesday.

One minute da computer woiks... next it don't...
one minute I feel fine... next I don't...
But basically for now... things are chuggin' along.

"Gremlins...!"

2005-07-15T02:34:00.000-05:00

So after like 2 weeks of installing harddrives, new operating systems, all my programs, data, updates and customization...
I finally get up and running smoothly again...
then 2 days ago it all DIED!
Got some kinda pre-Windows bootup error message about my "BIOS not being installed because no drives are attached"...
So I'm fah-REEKIN' out!
(and I don't feel so hot either...)
Then I get all sorts of advice from people who either don't have a clue but think they do, or are trying to help but can't... about flashing my bios, changing controller cards, reinstalling Windows, spinning around, grabbing my nutz, and walking backwards chanting "otto"... and various other weird stuff.
So to get on the net to research the problem...
I needed another computer.
And the only PC I have access to...
is my old PC in my daughter & ex-wife's house...
in da next town over.
So being broke... I gotta take my mom's laundry cart, truck up dere by bus.. walk a bunch of blocks from da bus to da house...and bring dat puppy home again.
I get it home, start it up, jack in my internet cable modem...
and it DOESN'T WORK!
Aaaaaahhhh...! Good ol Windows 98!
I give it a rest till the next day, and find out... I need my Windows 98 disks to get the net running!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
BACK up to da wife's house by bus... in da Africa, Tarzan type heat... to fetch da disks.
But after getting home and wrestling with it yet again...
it STILL don' wanna woik.
So after exhausting all possiblilities, decide...
"Hey...if these cable people want me as a customer...
they'll help me!"
But after an hour on da phone wit da cable guy...
dat don' woik either.
I give up!
Almost in tears... I say a prayer to Our Lady of the Diode... and then putz around a bit more... MY GOD! I GOT DA NET BACK!
So I write my favorite geek newsgroup... and these guys take a bit to answer... but it's not really helping, and the answers are weird and waaaay too complicated and over my head...
I'm sunk!
48 weeks sick on Interferon...with no computer or internet...
Lemme just cash my chips in now!
Almost in tears... I decide... lemme see if I can't monkey around in my BIOS, and fuck wit da settings again.
I switch over to the other computer, fire it up...

OH MY SWEET FIGGEDYFARKIN' JEEZUZ... IT'S WOIKIN' AGAIN!!!

Did resetting my bios actually help before, and maybe it just took time to... ummm..."Set"...?
I'm perplexed...
and think I just had a quasi-electronic religious experience.
Or maybe... it was just gremlins...???

"Ok, Ok... Just A Little Pin Prick... Just Nod If You Can Hear Me... But You May Feel A Little Sick..."

2005-07-12T13:24:00.000-05:00

So... first week is over. Second one begins today.
Shot time!
Kinda a bit apprehensive after last week. But at least... now I know what to expect.
I think.
Da last week sucked... but it coulda been woise.
(Hope it don't get no woise!)
Got a weird speckled rash on my inner forearms yesterday. Dunno if it's Pegasys related or what. Med info says I can get rashes...
just dint say where, or when.
Just forty-seven more weeks to go...
<"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!">

Haven't been keeping this blog up much lately. Will try a bit harder.
Crazy week that passed. Medications, being sick, going on long 10 hr. wild goose chases down the Jersey Shore to take my daughter to see her lawyers doctor for a court case she's involved in.
Went to da movies the other day by myself. Was fun.
Saw the Fantastic Four.
Dunno about reviews...but I liked it.
I love comicbook/action movies like dat.
Stopped in a Target afterward to go pee. Saw one of those lil micro portable keychain flashdrives for 12 bucks...
I got a new lil toy!

My younger daughter flew down to Georgia to visit her preggie sister for a week. Was worried about the flight down with the hurricanes and all. She made it fine...but her luggage didn't. It arrived the next day. She sent a few pix of my daughter's new apartment down there. Amazing! Brand new gated community, two bedrooms, all new kitchen with appliances, parking, gym, and a pool...
EIGHT HUNDRED BUCKS!!!
You can't get her closet up here for less than $1500. dollars!
I gotta move!

"Ticking Away, The Moments That Make Up A Dull Day..."

2005-07-06T13:47:00.000-05:00

OK... so yesterday's first Pegasys Interferon shot didn't go as well as I thought it was going. About 10 pm last nite the train jumped the track and headed into Hellsville. Queasy stomach, major body, head and joint aches, fevers getting high as 102.6 and super chills and sweats. Just wanted to take a hot bath to ease my aches and chills last nite, but unfortunately in this building... you can either steam vegetables and cook macaroni... or there's no hot water at all.
Last nite... I could make lemonade with the water.
Hadda turn off the AC cuz I just couldn't get warm.
So the time downshifted into slow-mo last nite, and the clock seemed like it ticked once every 10 minutes.
Thought last nite would never end.
Woke up this morning literally in a puddle of sweat.
(Just hope this is an "aftershot reaction", and I don't go thru this EVERY nite.)
But... "I got better" (listen to my sound byte in my profile)
I feel better today.
I made it thru to the other side...
For now.
Dunno what's gonna happen tonite.
If this only happens the day of the shot...
I can deal with penciling in "Tuesday nite....dying." once a week for 47 weeks.
Say a prayer tonite goes better...

"He's Got A Ticket To Ride..."

2005-07-05T14:13:00.000-05:00

Well... after about a couple week's vacation of installing new harddrives, installing new Windows XP Pro operating systems, putting back all my drivers, programs, and data...
I'm back!
Frickin' computer fought me every step of the way too...
Video card screwed up, programs refused to install...but finally...I got it all to woik. Now I got a pretty stable system.
Just gotta relearn Windows now.
XP is a lot different than my older systems.
Had a nice Fourth of July. Went to da beach, got a sunburn, went to a BBQ... ate shellfish till I almost puked.
(never thought I'd ever reach a point where I'd ever wanna stop eating king crab legs, lobster & filet mignon... but I did.)
And I am proud to announce that today I purchased my ticket and boarded da "Pegasys Interferon train" for my Hepatitis C... and so far... I am chuggin' along fine.
(Only took the shot about an hour ago... but so far...feel fine.)
Got a few niftyneatowhizzbango games & programs that I can now run on my new system.
And now... I'm only 47 weeks away from ending Hep C treatment.
"woo-hoo!!!"
So... life is good... for now.
More to come...

"Gone Fishin'..."

2005-06-21T21:41:00.000-05:00

Just a real quick one...
Got da new 160 gig hard drive today!
"w00t!"
Got a "borrowed copy" of Win XP Pro.
Would really suck if THAT didn't woik!
Got a ton of shit to do...
Dis crap scares da beejeezusz outta me.
Not really a "hardware kinda guy".
Kinda like being given a scalpel, and being told...
"Go ahead... now perform brain surgery on your kid...!"
And it's gonna be lots to backup, reinstall, update and recustomize as well.
Anyhoo... clock is ticking... and the harddrive is sittin' there...
winking at me & lookin' pretty.
Dunno when I'll be back online. (as if anyone cares...lol!)
Wish me luck!
"Cut the blue wire.... no wait... it's da RED one...!!!
<"boom!">

"Die Fledermaus"

2005-06-20T06:06:00.000-05:00

OK... so it inn't ezactically easy to keep up wit a daily blog/journal etc. I could post this as a "late entry for Sunday"...
but then wut if I write something tonite...???
And I'm saying this as if... someone is actually readin' dis horsepucky I been writin' here. If I'm lucky...I got an audience of maybe ... two. Me and maybe one other person...
But hey... it's really just for me anyhoo.

So I went to see the new Batman movie yesterday...
My daughter took me to see it for Farter's Day.
As Joey on "Blossom" used to say... "Whoa!".
(do I put a period after that last quotation mark or wut...?)
As you'll see...punctuation... is all relative to me.
The movie, for lack of better woids, was awesome!
The Michael Keaton flicks were great... but if the tag line for Superman was "It'll make you believe a man can fly...", well then this movie should have a line sorta like...
"It'll make you believe a man can... um...be obcessive/compulsive and look good in a rubber suit..."
(I dunno... wuddo I know...???)
It should have some kinda nifty catchphrase.
It really gets ballzdeep (my latest favorite expression) into da Batguy.
How he got that way, what drives him, how he came to decide on the bat thing, where he got his gadgets & costume from...
All that neato stuff that they would save for special issues of the comic books when I was a kid.

I stopped reading comics about 30 yrs. ago.
And I was a "DC" kinda kid.
Marvel comics were a bit too "out there" for me back then. I mean, I bought & liked Spiderman, the Fantastic Four, and Capt. America and all... but it got really weird for me, with stuff like the Silver Surfer, Thor, and all that fantasy/sci-fi stuff.
Back then... I liked my superheroes old-fashioned, in tights wit a cape, emblem, etc.
And I had TONS of comic books. In great condition, and taking up so much space my old lady made me throw a lot of them out.
(if I only knew back then, what I know now...)
Then somewhere like in the late 70's, early 80's... comic books got all avant-garde and esoteric and shit. And ya couldn't go down to your local newsstand anymore to buy 'em. You went to "comic shops", where they wouldn't let you open the comic and peruse the inside, because the were all in lil plastic bags for "collectors". And when I was a kid... comics were like 15 to 25 cents. And every so often, there would be a "big issue"... and that was like 75 cents to a dollar.
Later on... comics went up and up and up... and they made things called "graphic novels" about Batman, etc... for like 15 bucks or more! They turned it into a big industry.
One that makes a LOT of cash.
But somewhere along the line... I dunno, it just got different.
And they took all the fun out of it. Like a lot of things in life... it just got tainted and jaded somehow to me.
We saw the movie in the city, and it had a major comic shop across the street... "Forbidden Planet".
We stopped in for a few minutes to have a look around.
They have figurines & these "resin kits" nowadays as well. They run upwards of $125. bucks for these babys. We used to call 'em "models". They cost like $3.00 at your local 5 and dime...
But anyways... back to da movie...

It was very dark, gritty, and realistic... with great acting, and especially... an outstanding cast.
Christian Bale is a convincingly obsessed, driven and semi-nutty Batman.
Michael Caine as "Alfred" was fantastic, and the other roles by Liam Neeson, Morgan Friedman, and Gary Oldman were good as well. The effects were great, the storyline was excellent, and very believable. Makes ya wanna go out and be a superhero, as if it were possible given the right skills and cashflow.
I couldn't really find any real flaws in it, except for three things...
ya don't really get a good look at da batsuit. Batman flips, and kicks, and kungfu's his way around so fast... he just really looks like "Blackblurman" in a lot of scenes. Which... in a way, kinda adds to the whole mythical/phantom-esque type scenario I guess.
And there isn't really a "Theme music" for da poor guy. The music is good and all... but it's no John Williams "standout recognizable " theme music score.
And finally... there's not too many "signature", standout, take your breath away kinda scenes in it. You know... like when the original Batman flew the batplane up against the moon, or Luke Skywalker stood on the hill with the sunrise, and the music swelled up, Or like when Superman first hit stood there in his Fortress of Solitude, and ya heard the theme song...
"Da, da, da-da, da-da...da-da, da-da... DA da-da...!"
They did have one scene where Bruce Wayne faced his fears, and stood there as thousands of bats flew around him.
And they had another "moneyshot" from the posters, where he swoops down in flight with his "bat-parachute cape thingy"... but they were all kinda fast scenes. But they also included the one (rather fast), obligatory "gearing up" scene.
Yanno... open safe to reveal mask... gloves..."swoosh-swoosh!"... utility belt "click!"... weapons check..."click, click, click!".
Like Stephie had said... the scene like that in the George Clooney movie... actually showed off Batman's ass.
But other than that... I give Batman Begins 2 pointed ears up!
I LOVED it!
I'm just finding it very hard to push this spare tire of mine into these rubber tights to go to work tonite...

"National Treasure"

2005-06-19T02:44:00.000-05:00

Quarter to 4 in da AM. Missed posting for Saturday... kinda sorta.
This'll be Saturday's post I guess.
Nothin' much goin' to write about anyhoo.
Got my "One" bracelets in the mail today.
Really great charity in my humble opinion. They don't want money...
Just your voice. (tho cold hard cash iz good too.)
It's like a bunch of major world charity organizations are forming into... well..."One".
To try to eradicate worldwide poverty, hunger & AIDS.
If ya haven't heard about it yet... you will.
HUGE worldwide concerts happening next month, with a mind-blowing artist lineup.
I may go to the one in Philly.
Visit the "ONE" link to the right, check out the lil movie, and sign your name...
You'll be a better person for it.

Took a trip into Manhattan today to exchange a pair of shorts I bought there wit da website moolah.
Walked around with my camera just window shopping... stuff for da "wishlist"... and snapping random pix. Got a couple of good shots.
Spent like an hour in CompUSA. God! Gimme like $30 grand and turn me loose in DAT place... MAN! I could loose my mind there!
Love me some hi-tech gadgets!

I love the city.
Some folks like grass, and greenery, and open space 'n wutnot...
I do too... don't get me wrong. I spent my summers on my aunt's farm upstate NY. Even had my own horse "Joey". I love the country & nature just like da next bumpkin. But every so often I get an ache like a junkie does for his fix... I need to get all right up in dere in da mix with people... and lot's of 'em.
I'm like my mom... we can both be content at a sidewalk cafe, or in an airport, just watchin' all da people go by. Rush hour in Manhattan!
A crowded concert in Central Park!
A Saturday night in Times Square... now datz livin'!
And I've been to a few large cities in my day...but I gotta say...
I Love New York!
It's a treasure... a national treasure...
Which is wut I just got finished watchin' on pay-per-view.
"National Treasure", with Nicolas Cage (nice segue huh...?)
Good movie. Well... I liked it anyway.
It's a heist movie about stealing the Declaration of Independance, Freemasons and treasure.
For years as a kid... I thought the "G" in the Free Masons symbol stood for Gosik... my last name. My mom used to have one of those 1960's see-thru lighters, with that symbol floating around in da lighter fluid in da bottom.
Got it from one of her customers in the bar she owned.
I love a good heist/action/adventure flick.
(I shoulda never quit jewel thief school...damn...!)
And next to gadgets, I love movies.
And especially big summer blockbuster, sooperdooper...
hype-all-pumpin'-out-it's-neck type movies.
Spiderman, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings... BATMAN...!!!
(datz comin' tommorrow for Doodie's Day! My kid calls me "doodie")
I'm sooped! I can't wait!
I get all into movie hype... I love it! I watch the trailers, visit the websites, download da desktop pictures & screensavers...
a month later... it's all over.
Yesterday's cold soup.
But it's fun while it lasts.
"NEXT...!" C'mon Hollywood... dazzle me...!
Matter of fact... plant my ass in da middle of Times Square, in a Sharper Image $2000 Vibrating Massage Leather easychair, with a beefed up laptop with WIFI, a plate of Chinese food, some Reese's Pieces, stereo headphones with "The Fanastic Four" coming on the Jumbotron TV... and da keys to CompUSA and a pickup truck...
I've died and gone to Heaven...!

"Lest I Not Forget..."

2005-06-17T22:41:00.000-05:00

Well...da website's DONE.
Thank da Lord!
I'm OK at webdesign, but not exactly a "seasoned pro" at it yet.
I undercharged my client for this last one, but learned da hard way.
It was a bit tricky in some places, and I put in more time than I thought I would have for the money...
but I think it came out rather OK.

The Serenity Club of Hudson County

Got some minor things to tweak, because being a member of NA & AA myself, I spotted some tiny outpoints in the text they gave me about their group. And so I brought it to their attention, and they have to vote on the changes that I suggested.

Went shopping in Manhattan yesterday with the dough I earned from doing the site. Came back with a bag full 'o stuff... just for me! WooHoo!!!
I haven't gone shopping for myself, and come back with more than one item in ages... it feels good.
Like my buddy Morty says... having a couple of Benjamins in yer pocket changes your whole outlook on life!
So...I got me some summer threads!

All this mention of Kelly, and babies, and Father's Day...
lest I not forget I have another kid... Stephie.
She's my lil honey at home. While Kelly has traveled the globe, joined the service, is kinda a tiny bit more "nose to da grindstone" in certain areas and makes me proud as Hell... Stephie seems to be taking after me... and is kinda bobbing around in the "Ocean of Life" like a buoy. A free spirit going wherever life takes her.
And I'm equally as proud of her. Mainly because she has a deep down sweetness & innocence that just makes ya warm & fuzzy.
She's 23, went to culinary school for a bit, is a cook, and works for an executive cafeteria in a large international firm banking firm.
She has a boyfriend, but I don't think has found her soulmate yet.
I dunno. She'll find her niche someday.
But like Kelly, she's also my baby girl. She can be a bitch on wheels at times too...but for the most part... she's generous and sweet.
If there's one thing in my life that turned out right... it's my kids.
I'm proud of them, and I love 'em to pieces!
And Stephie's my movie buddy too. Especially horror movies!
So... I got a date for Father's Day...
my other lil baby datz all grown up...is takin' her dear old Doodie to see "Batman Begins" in Mahattan on Sunday... in IMAX!
She knows wut Doodie likes...
I'm diggin' around for my utility belt, cape and pointed ears as I type...
"To the Batpoles!"
"Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah..."

"Hard Drives 'N Diapers..."

2005-06-16T14:07:00.000-05:00

So I went out to meet Stan, my website client yesterday.
All went unbelievably smooth. I had a pleasant trainride out there, took some shots of the club for the site, got the content info I need for webpages and got paid.
WOW! If only this could happen once or twice a week... I'd be set!
And MONEY... what a euphoric drug!
Then I got home and tried to enter all that data into the homepage,
and then I soon realized...
I haven't got a clue as to how to do this.
HTML editors are NOT word processors.
Straightup text is no problem, but doing bulleted lists & webpage tables have never been my friend.
But after monkeying around with it... I finally got it. <"phew!">
(Not the way I'd like it...but at least I got it all in there.)
Ah... he looked back at it all...and it was good.
Couldn't get any better...could it...?

The phone rings around midnight, and it's my daughter Kelly in the Air Force stationed down in Georgia...
"Hi Daddy!"
"Hi Sweetheart...how are you?"
"Ok...didja get my email?"
"No...been working on a website...haven't checked it."
"Go check it daddy..."

[opens email program and reads...]

"Hey daddy, whats up at the homefront? I’m just sitting here at work bored out of my mind. Your father’s day present shipped out today. It’s one of the hard drives in the email links that you sent me. Oh dad, by the way how would you feel if I told you that you were going to be a grandfather...?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

My baby...my first baby...
da one I carried home in a lil bundle 25 years ago...
is gonna have a baby!

AND I'm gettin' a new harddrive!!!

<"booomp!">
[falls to the floor in a dead faint]

Jeez...ain't life GRAND!!!

"Getting Closer..."

2005-06-15T12:57:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post just to keep this thang goin'...
Gotta meet a client later to finalize his webpage design.
Been talking mostly over da phone, and thru email.
Getting closer to finishing it up, and gettin' paid.
Maybe...he may have some money for me today... ?
(Yay! Money! Was starting to forget what dat stuff was like!)
Took the "iMood" current mood thingy off for now. I really like it, but this is a pre-packaged template I'm using here at Blogger. I can do straight-up HTML type stuff...but this template is in some strange Klingon CSS type crap that's completely foreign to me. Can't figure out how to add the basic HTML code to it, so that the mood thing can be placed where I want it. So the way I had it, changing the mood would change the lil gizmo on all posts...
instead of for each single day.
Oh well...will figure it out later.
Still caught up in a newsgroup flame war.
Try as I may...I still get caught up in these things. I go on a newsgroup asking simple questions, and inevitably...some asshole answers me with some jerkoff comment, I answer him back with one... and so it goes... a clash of halfwits!
And these guys think they're literary geniuses, and cutting edge comedians & insult kings.
So they're either trying to put you down for bad spelling or grammer, or going on & on about how much they "put you in your place" or how much they "owned" you.
Is it just me and my middle-aged-ness...or does anyone else out there wanna just smack da ever-lovin' piss outta every pimple-faced lil douchebag that uses that term "owned", or talks in "l33t 5p34k"...?

It's like...
"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d!"

I wanna just ring their necks till they make dat Bugs Bunny cartoon headshaking noise...
"eeyoi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi...!
But...it's me own fault. Like I learned a long time ago...

"Arguing with anonymous strangers on the Internet is a sucker's game
because they almost always turn out to be, or to be indistinguishable from...self-righteous sixteen-year-olds possessing infinite amounts of free time."

But...sometimes I get caught up in it all...silly wabbit.
Hmmm...this post turned out longer than I imagined it would be.
Gonna try to post a new picture of mine for each post.
Hope ya likes 'em.
Anyhoo... time to hit da showers, pack up me marbles, and head for da train to meet da client.
Wish me luck...!

"Well this is a fine how-do-you-do..."

2005-06-13T23:55:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...blogs...
A good friend of mine had one long before they even had a name for 'em.
I was never really interested in them. Now everybody's got one...
and I'm somehow strangely jealous.
I don't read 'em... ('cept for my friend's)
and I certainly never felt the need to start one. (up to now at least.)
But... I like taking and posting pictures, I've got a new piece of photo software... Picasa, that has this blogmaking thingy built into it... and I've got a website that needs visiting... so...
Who knows...? I just may find that I've got something to talk about to da woild at large.

I'm an outta work graphics artist and magician. I'm also a recovering addict/alcoholic with 9 yrs. clean and sober. I've recently found out that I have Hepatitis C, and that I am somewhere in between stages 2 and 3 in a four stage liver deterioration process. And now I am about to embark on a 48 week Interferon treatment program starting early next month.
[translation: wreckage of my past]

And they tell me due to this "treatment", that I'm in for a world of changes coming in the next 11 months...
Mega Flu-like symptoms such as fever, chills, muscle aches, joint pain and headaches; extreme fatigue (tiredness); upset stomach (including related events such as nausea, taste changes, and diarrhea); blood sugar problems which may lead to diabetes; skin reactions such as a rash, dry or itchy skin, and redness and swelling at the site of injection; temporary hair loss; and trouble sleeping, risks to pregnancies, mental health problems (including irritability, depression, anxiety, aggressive behavior, suicidal behavior including thoughts about suicide and suicide attempts, and trouble with drug addiction or overdose), blood problems (including a drop in various blood cells which can lead to an increased risk for infections, bleeding, and/or heart or circulatory problems), infections (which have sometimes caused death), lung problems (including trouble breathing and pneumonia), eye problems (including blurred vision or loss of vision), autoimmune problems (where the body’s own immune system attacks itself including psoriasis and thyroid problems), heart problems (including chest pain and heart attack) and liver problems (rarely, patients may develop worsening of liver function).

Wow...! Do I know how to start off a fun summer...or what...???
So it should prove to be quite interesting.
But I'm very positive about it all...
(I just love to use 3 dot sentance pauses... but I think I wore my period key out!)
SO... I haven't got a clue as to what I'll write about here...
but it just might be interesting to someone out there....and hey...
I got a BLOG!

Stay tuned...